A fresh start (6)

Today is not a good day.
I feel so tired, so incredibly tired and sleepy. I feel like I cannot wake my body up. I have a cold sore, but do not have a fever. So that's not it.
I have tried to figure out why today is so horrible, I measured my blood pressure and heart rate.
My blood pressure is on the low side but not dramatically so. Its between 103/60 and 90/55 most of the time. I have taken my Midodrine, and my fludrocortison two times already. I have tried my daylight lamp, to see if light could wake me up more. But it does not work.
My heart rate, is on the low side. Its around 53 most of the time. I suspect its even lower when I the sleepiness forces itself on me. But in those moments I am too sleepy to remember that I should measure something.
In this state, I cannot do anything. I just have be down on the couch and sleep. If I try to do something, I am floating around like a ghost, everything is blurry and vague. I cannot wrap my mind around what I am supposed to be doing.
I think that its possible that I am sleepy because of the low heart rate, but my mind is unwilling when I try to fit more pieces into the puzzle. I cannot think straight. The sleepiness drives me insane.
I compare myself with people of the same age. Young people that are vibrant and active. When I look through the window I imagine them, being at work or caring for their newborns. At the same time I am here, at home, day in day out. My profile picture is very fitting, its a young girl looking out of the window. The walls inside look like 'nighttime', as if she is stuck in a dreamworld and cannot escape it. She looks through the window, outside its day, she is longing for the daytime. Longing to be awake.

"Not all days are like this"
I repeat this sentence to myself, to remind myself that there is hope for tomorrow and that I just have to be patient. Just wait. Allow it and wait. There are good days sometimes.

Maybe tonight it will be better, evenings and nights sometimes magically help me to feel a bit more awake.


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