A certain kind of peculiar self revolution.

I find myself at a strange crossroads of sorts. A choice between 'Keep doing what I'm doing ', and 'Changing my life completely'. I keep toeing into the foreign territory, but the gripping anxiety and unease has me wavering. It is hard when dealing with an illness to change yourself. It takes so much effort, and, I'm sure anyone that is reading this understands, I don't have a lot to put into said 'effort'. Still, I find a fire has lit itself in my core, and I am desperate to keep it fanned. I'm a serial 'I will TOTALLY pick this back up eventually' type of person, with a long string of half-complete things left in my wake. From learning every sports known to man when I wasn't ill, to violin, to leather working, to 5 different languages..Everything I have ever done reaches about 60% completion before I become utterly bored of it. Illness has not changed this.
I don't want to 60% complete this feeling I have. For once, I want to complete something, standing astride it, and say 'HA, I did it' with complete confidence.
But the thought of actually doing that nauseates me.
Still, i'll share my list in hopes that others can relate.

1. I want to be more socially inclined..I have built up walls after being sick for so long, and it is getting stifling.
2. I want to matter. I swear I am going to do something that leaves my fingerprints on something. Be it actually completing a book for once, or just doing something of note.
3. I am definitely going to pour myself into restarting University, even if I am frightened my mind can't take it..I am desperate to be back in school, if only to coddle myself into saying 'Well least I'm doing this'.
4. I will understand the inner workings of my mind.(I'm sure all that have mental illness on top of physical illness can relate to this. It is not a enjoyable combo).
5.I want to be surrounded by beautiful things.Keeping my house semi-picked up, with faux-flowers, and my dogs brushed and fluffy makes me feel less terrible. If I surround myself with lovely things, I don't feel so ucky.
And finally 6. I want to support people..Which is exceedingly hard for me because, to put it frankly, I suck with dealing with people. Dogs, Cats, horses, I can understand..People are harder, but I want to try. Past social normaties and dubious friendly conversations, I want to be someone to help a cause, be it a personal, or massive one.

I can say I am working towards some of those quite well. I volunteer at the animal shelter when able(Fundraise when I can't). I'm getting my books together for University online, and I have taken up therapy because having someone to rant to for an hour is IMMENSELY ...well..therapeutic.

Self-revolution is a peculiar thing..in that..How does one go about changing the definition of oneself on any level that isn't superficial? It seems to would be hard to change when you're cognitively aware of it..But people do it all the time. So I am going to attempt to same.
And not 60% of attempting this time.

Comments

Really nice post ! From what you write, I would say that you're a very strong person. I admire your willingness of fighting your disease. I'm sure you'll win and you'll get to successfully do everything you wrote in your list. I can totally relate to everything you wrote. Due to the disease, I had to quit my job and momentarily stop my life. I loved my job, my coworkers, etc… just couldn't deal with my work anymore - due to brain fog and pain. And, like you, I have built up walls in my social life… I used to be very sociable. Then the disease came and made me ashamed of hanging out and having fun. Tiredness and pain do not help at all. But , like you, I want it back. I know we can make it!
 
Thank you! And I know we can^^
What I've learned with hanging out with friends now that I'm ill is, make sure they understand. I've gone out with my friends in my wheelchair before and it was great fun(mainly because we're reckless with the wheels..haha). I do a lot more home-based hanging out now, like movies nights, and game nights. I just had to relearn how to be social while being ill, because it is realllly stifling to lock yourself away. And even when I'm not feeling too awesome, I still try for little bits. It is all about knowing your limits and pacing yourself. Know when to say 'guys it has been fun but I reallly need to go home now and lay down'. If they're actually friends they will totally understand. I have lost many, many friends because they didn't think hanging out with me was 'fun' anymore, but I don't miss those people. I love the friends I have now because they don't make me feel bad for being sick.
 
I am very much into things like Chinese five-element theory, energy work - those odd things that get funny looks. The past two or three years, I learned something about my life I had never before recognized. My history is similar to yours - start something, never finish. Could never figure that one out, esp when it would hurt me financially.

I do not know if this will make any sense. Maybe as an analogy; it has great value even at that level.

Each element is associated with a season. Personality and energy-wise, I have always been good at planting the seeds, including preparing to do so. Those baby "plants" emerge with all the excitement, grow for a while, then wither away. I was never reaching fruition - harvest time. Just planning in winter, planting in spring, pulling up a few weeds and getting through summer heat - then dropping it all. I made it a goal to take just one teeny tiny project, don't even remember what it was, through all its seasons to fruition. What a learning curve. I started asking "summer" and "fall"" dominant people about their habits. (Fire and Earth elements.) This approach has been working well. I catch myself "planting seeds" again and again, and consciously move myself to other aspects of earlier projects. Fruition is a word I am beginning to enjoy!

Five languages? You have got the drive to get where you want to be!
 
There are several good books on personality theory out there, everything from DISC to the color code to animals to... My favorite tool is from Chinese element theory as it covers health and relationship aspects on all levels. Just learning about your own personality by different definitions is highly useful: how you think, learn, process, feel, react, act. It has been the basis of permanent changes for me, whether I am thinking, "Well, that was a nice bit of red coming out," or "Today, I would really like to tap into the artist (wood) and start learning acrylic painting." Saying it out loud, realizing I am in seed-planting mode, gets me going on a full plan to get past that first stage.
 
I definitely love the Chinese ideology/philosophy of personalities and horoscopes. My best friend is chinese/japanese and has a book of it all. I am very much my horoscope and element. She's the opposite of me(very grounded and slow moving) so when she's around she definitely makes me tone down and think things though.
Unfortunately i'm usually more headstrong than she has patience, haha.
My latest project is altering clothing and making normal pieces look fashion forward..also thinking about learning sign language. I can go through hobbies like popcorn! hahaha.
 
That is a very ambitious list! For #3 you may want to look into some self-directed programs. I got my BAs from Prescott College's distance learning program and loved it. You can study anything you want. The hardest part was finding teachers in my community. It is the only way I could have done it with the illness. There is a program at NAU that also looks doable, and is much less expensive, personalized learning is the name of the program. (disclaimer, I may be working there soon as a graduate student worker) Graduate school was much harder because I had to physically get to classes, I still haven't finished my thesis and completely tanked at the end of my last semester of classes. I say go for it, just find a program that allows you to pace yourself.
 

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