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XMRV (Spoof) short story

Discussion in 'Media, Interviews, Blogs, Talks, Events about XMRV' started by Adam, Jan 28, 2010.

  1. Adam

    Adam *****

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    Sheffield UK
    XMRV (Spoof) Short Story

    (For non-UK members please note the Tardis is a time machine used by The Doctor.; the central character in the BBC TV series Dr. Who and Norfolk is completely flat!);)

    Does a virus cause ME/CFS/ICD?

    A special report by our undercover investigative reporter XV (they call him MR XV):cool:

    First up readers. A small slice of background for the unenlightened.

    British Medical authorities list much maligned illness ME/CFS (Misanthropic Egoitis/ Chronic Feasibleness Syndrome), also known as ICD or to give it its full name - Imperious College Disease (so called after an outbreak a few years ago at the world renowned centre of learning), as an Organic condition (unclassified) of unknown aetiology.

    Major symptoms include:

    Talking in riddles (Episodic)
    Chronic invention and subsequent overuse of acronyms (Oxford Criteria only)
    Uncontrollable chronic bouts of smugness
    Hysteria/Paranoia (All criteria)
    Chronic overuse of brackets in written material
    Dislike or distrust of anyone who disagrees with them (Chronic)
    Neurological symptoms include but are not limited to; sneering, talking in a condescending manner.

    The disease, has to date been confined to small localised clusters. Outbreaks predominantly affecting Psychiatric Academics at the outer fringes of the profession.

    The majority of the very vocal advocates in CFS/ME/ICD patient support groups (known as Gee-Hads), contend that the illness is psychological in nature, not organic. We do not, I repeat said Dr. Simian Weasel-Baum, a leading, pro-psycho-babble-somatic-disorder/anti-organic explanationist, we do not. LOL. LMAO, have an organic illness. WTF?

    News that a lab in Never-Never land had uncovered a Retrograde virus known as XMRV (xenophobic misrepresentative retrograde virus) which is widely presumed to be the cause of the illness has angered leading support group activists, in particular, Weasel-Baum.

    As the good doctor (who now insists on being known as Dr. What) is widely regarded as chief amongst the organic dissenters, I decided to catch up with him.

    I found him at his Ski Lodge in Norfolk peeling sprouts. Reading Volume 26 of his own collected works - Somatic Disorders of the 20th Century. (NB. What had crossed out 20th, above it, scribbled 21st)

    I introduced myself as the Peoples Champion, a champion of the people and newshound extraordinaire.

    Come in, come in he said, sneering at me from the top step of his static caravan but OMG, dont bother sitting down - I dont like you.

    Not a good start, I venture. Which made me feel somewhat nervous about broaching the subject of XMRV. But then I said to myself: why the hell did you come here in the first place XV, if not to get at the truth?

    No doubt mention of the V word would provoke Dr. What into a tedious bout of smugness. Probably spark off a round of acronyms. Trigger an insidious attack of riddles. But, as Dr. What himself often says, WTF?

    Xenophobic Misrepresentative Retrograde Virus?

    XMRV!

    He narrowed his eyes. Nonsense newshound. Anyone fool can see Im suffering from a highly complex somatic disorder. LOL.

    You really do believe that I said dont you?

    FU XV.

    Charming. Touched a nerve there I thought quickly deciding to try a different approach.

    Which was?

    Let him do all the talking.

    I waited. Finally he said WHO.

    What? I said.

    Yes he said.

    Yes what? I said.

    WHO. The World Health Organisation?

    What about them What?

    When Weasel-Baum or What or whatever pseudonym he was going under today failed to answer my question, I assumed just the mention of WHO was enough for him, What.

    Point made (WHO supports his assertions that CFS/ME/ICD is a somatic disorder and not organic in nature) he looked horribly smug.

    Tell me he said why on earth did Jill accompany Jack up the hill to fetch a pail of water when quite clearly there were adequate facilities near by?

    Indeed. What had a point. And all the major symptoms, too. Not a shadow of a doubt in my mind now Dr. What had CFS/ME/IPD. The question was, was What correct in his assertions he had a somatic disorder? Or were the Never-Never land people going to nail this debate once and for all with the retrograde virus, XMRV?

    I had no answer to Dr. What s riddle and left him in the galley kitchen of his Ski Lodge clutching a large cardboard box, which had been painted dark blue (presumably by himself) with the legend TARDIS etched on all four sides. A bottle of poster paint left open on the drainer. And the poor deluded soul muttering something which sounded like Forgive me Sigmund? WTG my old buddy friend Freud. LMAO. Promise not to desert me if I come and visit you like I promised you I would?

    Sad I thought. He really doesnt see it does he? His phoney psychosis is an insult to those with a genuine psychiatric/psychological condition.

    A-O!

    Next stop the MRC (Misleading Research Contingent).

    I thought; must get to the bottom of this. If fair play is to be seen to be done, then Dr. What and his fellow anti-organic theory of illness supporters deserve a hearing. Unbiased research to prove or disprove their assertions.

    At the MRC I tried for the CEO. The Head Honcho by any other name. Had to settle for the relief caretaker (janitor). LOL. WTF?

    Know anything about the research budget for CFS/ME/ICD? I asked in a very casual manner.

    It just so happens I have the file right in front of me he replied.

    I am on the verge of uncovering the truth. Is the MRC deliberately sidelining valuable medical science?

    Then it dawned on me why the file was out.

    SOB who answered the phone is security. Guys going to stall me, or start quoting the Official Secrets Act. LOL. Shred the documents any moment now. Sob. SOB.

    It was right then I dropped the blas tone. I demand to know I said exactly how much the MRC has earmarked for researching non-organic causes into CFS/ME/IPD and I refuse, point blank, to be put off or misled or patronised etc. etc.?

    Okay, okay. Hold your horses. Sounds of paper shuffling, thenFive to six hundred.

    Mean or what? What was right. These guys dont give a stuff. LMAO

    Half a million is a bit meagre I offered, feeling all of sudden a tad more sympathetic for Dr. What et al. Cant you stretch to a bit more?

    No he replied, I meant, five to six hundred quid.

    So I knew then not why or how or where but that was that for What.

    A scientific cul-de-sac if ever I saw one.

    Which, I suddenly recalled, I had.

    Adam
     
  2. Thanks for posting your story, Adam. I enjoyed it a lot!
     
  3. Abraxas

    Abraxas Senior Member

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    :tear: Thanks Adam! Hilarious!
     
  4. Lily

    Lily *Believe*

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    THAT was GREAT, Adam!!! Thanks a bunch!!!:D:D:D
     
  5. jimbob

    jimbob ME/CFS84-XMRV+

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    myrtle beach, s.c.
    not from the u.k., but really liked dr. who. torchwood was my favorite!
     
  6. Amy

    Amy

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    Adam, I've just come across this and it's hilarious!
    Thanks for giving me a good laugh today!

    Amy
     
  7. Dr. Yes

    Dr. Yes Shame on You

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    :D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D

    I actually understood more than 50% of that! This is thanks in part to you having a relatively more lucid moment, but mostly to me modifying my translation protocol. Now I translate everything you write from (whatever language you write in) to Croatian to English via Dutch, using Google Translate and Babel Fish during the runs. This seems to have increased the accuracy; check this out, for example:

    Yours:
    Translation:
    Much better.
     
  8. Adam

    Adam *****

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    *MR XV informs me that all of his royalties go directly to the CHURCH OF FALSE ILLNESS BELIEFS Pole Dancing CFS mission, where he is a part-time counsellor.

    *Allegedly, or rumour has it, which ever phrase you crazy forumers prefer to subscribe to, Pastor Yes is overseeing project finances for the Pole Dance your way to full health camapaign and has volunteered to vet all applicants in the KCL sponsored triple blinded study.

    Pastor YES is a multi talented practitioner...I am led to believe.

    By himself no less.

    A check on his CV, however, reveals he is illiterate in at least 17 euroopean languages.

    I rest my case.
     
  9. Adam

    Adam *****

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    Spoofiness

    Thanks Amy. It's all part of my elaborate plan to train forumers to become LP's. ;)

    Laughter Practitioners. :tear:
     
  10. Lily

    Lily *Believe*

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    LOLOLOLOL!!!!!!!!!!!!! It's VERY EFFECTIVE!! :D:D:Retro tongue::D:D:D:D:D:Sign Good one::Sign Good one::Sign Good one::Sign giggle:With this and the Dr. Yes thread we can help millions!!! AND make BILLIONS$$$$ - if we were greedy, that is - which we AREN'T:innocent1:
     
  11. ukme

    ukme Senior Member

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    That was great Adam
     
  12. Otis

    Otis SeƱor Mumbler

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    Too much laughter at once, I'm due for a relapse

    WTF? Don't you know, Adam, that we need Graded Enjoyment Therapy?

    You can't start the humor machine on high! You'll injure the only thing we have left, our self-deprecating sense of humor.

    Did you capture that data Drs. Light?

    Thanks Dr. Yes. Please continue to use your modified translation protocol - I finally understood what your were saying. :Retro wink:

    Now to sleep this off for a month.
    :In bed::

    Seriously (is that allowed?) I had a random good day today and this was a nice capper.
    Otis
     
  13. Mark

    Mark Acting CEO

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    What was That?

    I find all this frivolity most unbecoming of a very serious place dedicated to very serious discussion of a very serious illness, and I think I have detected a hidden agenda here.

    Are you not aware that excitement is not good for people like us? Laughter is the WORST medicine for people like us, it can have quite devastating consequences. I, for example, have tears streaming down my face as I write, thanks to you lot, and only moments ago, a little bit of wee came out, followed soon after by another, and another, before finally I lost all my evacuatory inhibitions and collapsed into a pool of my own yams. Thanks a lot for that! What do you expect me to do now? I am too weak to get to the bathroom, so what kind of a day do you think I have to look forward to now, here in Sofa? I bet you don't even think about that sort of thing when you post this drivel.

    I cannot prevent you from depositing your toxic filth in this forum and thus compelling me to do the same thing here in Sofa, but there is one thing I can do: I can Ignore You in the hope that you will Go Away. So that is precisely what I am doing RIGHT NOW.

    I urge anyone who values their life to do the same. Feeding this fire will only make things worse.

    Come On, People! JUST IGNORE THEM! The more you encourage them, the worse they will get!

    Adam > Find All Posts > Base Style > Bold Gray (Bold Gray??) > Quick Language Chooser > Wot No English? > DOCTOR THAT! > IGNORE!!! > IGNORE!!! > IGNORE!!!
     
  14. Mark

    Mark Acting CEO

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    Excellent: I'm glad to see you're all taking my advice and ignoring this truly awful thread by not posting here. That way, it can just drift down the rankings and nobody need ever see it...
     
  15. fds66

    fds66 Senior Member

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    Brilliant - you're all absolutely hilarious. Love it all.

    Am off to practise yodelling whilst pole dancing in my new high efficiency recovery program.
     
  16. starryeyes

    starryeyes Senior Member

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    I'm glad Dr. Yes helped translate some of that for us. Thanks for the entertaining story Adam. :sofa:
     
  17. JillBohr

    JillBohr Senior Member

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    I am embarassed to admit this but when I first read Adam's thread (which was a while back), it actually put me into the mood of re-reading my worn out "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Universe". You must stop doing that. I do not have time to re-read books for enjoyment. Besides, I go from reading this to watching Red Dwarf which then takes me down a very slippery slope.
     
  18. starryeyes

    starryeyes Senior Member

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    Red Dwarf and The Hitchhiker's Guide Series are never a waste of time.
     

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