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Unable to tolerate people

Discussion in 'Lifestyle Management' started by Misfit Toy, May 22, 2010.

  1. serenity

    serenity Senior Member

    what i've thought about lately is to try to tell myself "it's not that they dont' care, it's that they are in denial."
    i still get angry, but it hurts a little less that way.
    ugh, the phone - i just refuse to be on it now. if you can't sit still & talk to me then dont' freakin bother, i dont' want to listen to you check your email or go thru the checkout line at the grocery store. so i just dont' anymore, i just tell people i dont' talk calls without an appt.
    i understand about the people who are a little bit more than superficial. i can't stand that crap either, those "everything is fine" sorts who won't believe you might actually have problems. the one really good friend i am close to now works in a nursing home, & has for many years. she knows a thing or two about illness & she understands.
  2. Victoria

    Victoria Senior Member

    Melbourne, Australia
    I think most of us can relate to what you're saying. Life seems to be one big contradiction in these days of chronic illness. I have a very special girlfriend who I would love to be spending some time with now that I'm not working. When I DO see her, I feel this amazing rush of love & affection for her. But by the time the get to gether is over, I am feeling emotionally rung out because she's spent most of the time relating her adult children's issues & problems. I'm usually a good listener, but I really want to hear about HER day & HER feelings. I want us to converse about our things.

    I love her & her family very much, but somehow, after she's left, I feel so incredibly glad to be alone again.

    I understand your need for less "chatter". Chatter is tiring. I think we need people who understand where we're coming from & understand we need short bursts of company.

    We need friends & family to speak slower, softer. We need uplifting & laughter.

    Short bursts of company - sometimes about an hour can be good, sometimes more, sometimes less.

    And if the friendship has run it's course, we need to recognise this & let go & move on with our lives.

    It's very hard for family to understand that while financial assistance may be helpful, it's not what being a family is all about. It's about love & compassion. It's an emotional "conversation". It's about meeting each other's needs.

    It's better to have 2 really good friends, than a hundred acquaintances.

    I'm sorry to say, but you have to keep clear of negative people & people who cause you pain & distress. You have to avoid needy people, because in chronic illness, we have become the "needy" ones who need help & reassurance. We just DO NOT have the energy to go to great lengths of supporting others.

    Now, having said that, I feel really uplifted when I can help someone else & be there for them in their time of need.

    ..........Just not all the time.

    I need "me" time to balance that "you" time out.

    Yes, life IS easier without those negative people.

    Sorry to say it, but it is.

    Your life has changed, just as mine has.

    And it may be, that no one seems to ever understand your current life.

    I guess the thing to do is accept this new you. But also, if the depression & hormonal changes are serious, one needs to seek some medical help. If the Dr is no help, one needs to seek another opinion.

    All I can say is that you have to hang in there - someday I know you're going to get over this rotten period in your life & start to feel better. The physical pain may hang around for a long time, but the emotional pain will heal one day. I can assure you the despair & pain you feel in your heart will eventually heal, & you will find a new way of living.

    Your future life will be different to the way it was before chronic ill health, but different doesn't have to be a bad thing.

    A different life can be a great life.

    I still have periods of time when I feel "down" & "sad". But I get through these by knowing from past experience that they will go, & I will get through them, & feel much, much better when they end.

    I know I will get through the bad times, because I ALWAYS GET THROUGH THE BAD TIMES.

    (Especially now I've got rid of the hormonal stuff that was happening).
  3. Misfit Toy

    Misfit Toy Senior Member

    Thanks Vicky. I wish I could get rid of the periods like you...but too young and they won't do that without good cause. I am not bleeding to death and have no tumor or such. I seem to do really well with people who are loving, compassionate but also really "independent." I guess I am kind of needy but in a way that isn't needy. Meaning...I like love, but I need space. My "need" is for space. I wish I could clone my best friend and make her a man. She never puts me down, never says anything mean...she just allows me to be me. She doesn't need me much and if she does, she is REALLY in need. I am always there because it's so rare and I cherish it more. We laugh and talk about guys, getting older, illness and just life. She just "gets" me. I am lucky for that.

    You are right..having 2 good friends is better than having a bunch of people that I just "know."
  4. Victoria

    Victoria Senior Member

    Melbourne, Australia
    Wish I could send my younger brother's partner over to you. She dropped in to see me on her way home from the airport yesterday.

    She is an absolute treasure.

    She has her own issues, but she is just the most perfect friend in the world. She always says just the right thing.

    She gives me unconditional love. Unconditional love is one of the most beautiful kinds of love in the world. It is so rare to find it these days. She is such a giving person. Even when the times are tough, you only catch a glimpse of her pain, as she's so busy giving.

    Just typing about her brings a rush of tears to my eyes. If I could pack her up in a bottle, I'd throw her in the ocean & wait to see how many ports of call she could make in a year & how many blessings she could bestow on the world. I KNOW she would cheer you up (without being overwhelming & tiring).

    (In fact, the last man in my life was very giving too, he gave to every female that needed it. Only trouble was, he was giving to 3 of us around the same time :D. Still, he was a lovable Larrikin - I miss his joy & love of life. He was a lot of fun. He even ate all the last dinner I served him, when the oven went kaput & the casserole was burnt to a black tinder :eek:).
  5. Carrigon

    Carrigon Senior Member

    PA, USA
    I do better when I'm alone. I can't take being around alot of people. I get flared up. And if I am even dealing with one person, just that little bit of stress and my brain goes into overload.

    I don't answer the phone anymore. I let it go to voicemail, and when I'm up for it I'll call someone back, but often, it takes me awhile.

    I hate being alone, but I do better alone. I don't think I could really be with anyone. When I'm flared up, it's like forget it.
  6. BEG

    BEG Senior Member

    Southeast US
    Thanks, Spitfire, for being so honest about this topic. I would just add that it's not "a wrong way to think," in my opinion. There is no right or wrong here; it's just your feeling. I'm right on board with that feeling, too. I'm in day 8 of a relapse from a long (unavoidable) trip. When my physical being deteriorates, my tolerance of others declines as well. I just turn inward and hunker down for damage control. Yes, I feel like I could snap, too, at times like this. Unconditional hugs and support to you. :hug::hug:

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