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Unable to tolerate people

Discussion in 'Lifestyle Management' started by Misfit Toy, May 22, 2010.

  1. Misfit Toy

    Misfit Toy Senior Member

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    Does anyone else here feel like they are going to snap?

    My tolerance for anything, but mostly people is at an all time low. I am in a serious depression. I can't handle criticism, someones irritability, or just anything. Let's face it; we can't completely live in a bubble. But I honestly feel better with less "chatter" in my life.

    I am sitting here in tears because I have had several people in one week display bad behavior. It's awful when you are alone and you just want a safe harbor and you realize that the only safe harbor is with the doors locked and people banned out.

    I know that a lot of this feeling is coming from how ill I am, but I truly am emotionally drained from feeling like I wish I had people in my life who are loving and nurturing. Instead, I have a family that refuses to want to know, learn or deal with any part of my illness. They never offer to help when I need anything. What I get is a check. A payment. I am grateful for this but a hug or love would be so nice.

    I feel unloved and my self esteem has been hit. It seems that the only way I can gather my composure and self esteem is to not have people in my life. I only have a small few and by that I mean maybe 2 people. That is all I can handle.

    I feel better without people. Life is easier. That is such a wrong way to think. Does anyone else feel the same?
  2. serenity

    serenity Senior Member

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    Austin
    yes, i feel the same way & it is a constant struggle. i want people in my life, but every time i get near them they act so badly i just want away from them again.
  3. MNC

    MNC Senior Member

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    Of course. Word by word.
  4. Athene

    Athene Never give up

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    I wasn't planning to write any messages, since I'm not exactly feeling great, but I had to answer and say that I reckon we all know how you feel. It's very challenging to tolerate other people fussing about trivia, when we have to put up with the unbearable on a daily basis.

    I don't know how to make you feel any better except by saying that there are lots and lots of truly wonderful people here, who would give you a great big real hug instead of an electronic one, if they could. You are loved by many people who have never met you face to face. You are also beautiful, brave, intelligent and really kind to spend your time on this forum sharing your experiences and knowledge to help others.

    I'm sending you a big hug. Close your eyes now and feel the love.
  5. lululowry

    lululowry Senior Member

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    First of all, I am sorry you don't have more supportive people around you right now. :hug:

    I call it retreating to my cave. I need to be mostly alone, to give my over-sensitive nerves a break. I don't think there's anything wrong with it. Animals do it instinctively when they are wounded or ill and I think we do too.

    I have a supportive family and I completely understand. I have three kids whom I adore and sometimes I have to go in my room and close the door. A friend offered to come by and visit today, another wanted to take me for a drive and I simply could not handle it. I have been alone all day. It is okay for a sick person to take care of herself - I think that's what you're doing.

    Some days I come out of the cave. Others, I stay in where it's safe. You're sick. Do what you need to do to take good care of yourself!


    :hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug:
  6. serenity

    serenity Senior Member

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    Austin
    don't mean to hijack your thread, but what do you do if you want to go out wtih people & can't & are really tired of being alone?
  7. Greggory Blundell

    Greggory Blundell *****

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    When Spetember Ends

    Well said Athene, and let me add my voice to that sentiment. People ask me whether I get bored not working, and invariably I respond that one cannot get bored when energy is absent the way it is, but I do get lonely. I understand the contradiction, and am unable to explain it. So I try to let people into what has now emerged as my life, and most make that effort a bad mistake. Been let down too many times, ridiculed if only in tone. But I'll tell you what: I'll still reach out. And I hope you do, too.
  8. Laney

    Laney Guest

    Spitfire, I can definately relate. Being around those who are negative or stressed or 'high-maintenance' takes a toll on what little energy I have.

    For me, a good balance in communicating with others and yet not getting overwhelmed is to avoid real-time communication the majority of the time and limit who I communicate with. I prefer e-mail, texting and FaceBook messages (but no instant messaging or chatting). My family and friends know that they may not get a quick response; it may be days. If the topic is stressful, I can just ignore that message or let it go until I feel up to dealing with it. If I am not feeling up to any communication, I do not check my messages. When I do make or receive phone calls, it is usually brief and with someone who is low-stress. I only have a few visitors, who know to keep their visits brief and low-key. (Also, I live with my husband and daughter (age 21) who are very supportive, are generally up-beat and low-key, and who protect me from toxic communication when they can.)

    Many friendships have not survived. My extended family and the remaining friends accept the limitations, although most do not really undestand it. The easiest friendships are with those with people who also have chronic illness and understand.
  9. Misfit Toy

    Misfit Toy Senior Member

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    To serenity....if I am really tired and can't go out but am tired of being alone...hmmmm. What can you do. Sometimes I force myself out which can be worse. Or, it can be better. That's the thing...it's a roll of the dice. It depends on so many factors. If you can, call someone. That is what you can do.

    I am glad to see that I am not alone in this. In this past year, I have let go of like 10 people. All of them were/are toxic. If I was well they would be a problem, but now they are like kerosene on a fire to me. Even the thought of them brings up ill fears. Anyway, it's just the most bizarre place to be in. To be so sick and yet you crave someone around or someone to take your mind off of the illness but those same people can drive you bonkers.

    I would love to have low maintenance people in my life. Not just low maintenance but LM people who have similar likes and dislikes, etc.

    I had a friend come stay with me a couple of weeks ago. A guy. Anything I needed done that a guy usually does, he couldn't. I needed help loading up the car. "Um, where do you want this to go in the car?" He could not do anything without a question. It took so much out of me that I had to tell him that our friendship needs to be limited. 10 years of being friends, but I am so sick now that his "I don't know how to do anything" drives me over the edge. It was always a problem, but now it is HUGE. I can't take it. When he comes to visit, he asks me "what clothes should I wear?" If I have to dress a 59 year old man, there is a problem. And what's really bad...I feel guilt, but I don't miss him. We grew apart.

    It makes me sad and it makes me wonder. I can only have people, who get where I am at in my life. That's it.

    And stress....can have me in a ball in my bed coming apart at the seams. Today, due to 2 stressful people interactions...I spent the afternoon crying and trying to recover. GOSH. Some way to have to live. Yikes.

    But, I am not alone.
  10. lululowry

    lululowry Senior Member

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    No, you're not alone. This disease pares away people who aren't essential. And I find that this really doesn't bother me. I don't have the energy to hold on to anything that isn't important.
  11. Greggory Blundell

    Greggory Blundell *****

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    I'm sorry. You are not alone. I wish I could offer more, but for me it helps to know that this stalwart group is watching my back - as it is yours.
  12. Kati

    Kati Patient in training

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    Spitfire, I have a few suggestions here that you may find helpful.

    1) Change your attitude towards your family. You cannot change the way they feel and the way you are, but you can change how you feel about it. Let go of hurt feelings because it's not gonna change anything. I know, easy to say, but give it a try.

    2) Be thankful. When I feel bad, depressed, I write gratitudes. "I am thankful for..." Make a list of them, and read them often.

    3) Lower your expectations. Do short visits that are satisfying rather than longer visits that leaves you tired and cranky. Aim at positive interactions.

    4) Think about something nurturing that you could do to someone else. As much as you need to be nurture, sometimes giving back to someone worse off than you can lift your spirits by that other person appreciating your help. I will leave it up to you to decide or think what it may be. I heard of someone with ME building a website and fundraiser for families that have a child that is not expected to live very long. Nurturing someone can take all sizes and shapes.

    5) Practice some extreme self-care. Light a candle. Get a massage. Get a facial, pedicure. Meditate or do a little bit of yoga. Sit in a park for a few minutes, or bring a blanket and lay down. Breathe.

    Personally I am not phoning anyone at the moment. I get irritated when the phone rings. And if I feel I am getting irritable or the headache gets worse, I tell the person I need to hang up cuz I am not well.

    I agree that you don't need needy persons in your life right now.

    Take good care :hug::hug::hug::hug:
  13. Greggory Blundell

    Greggory Blundell *****

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    Wait, what about taking in a good football game? Geez, talk about your gender-biased advice...:)
  14. Kati

    Kati Patient in training

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    If it's what gonna do it for you Greggory, go for it :tongue::victory:
  15. serenity

    serenity Senior Member

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    Austin
    i can so relate to this topic. i have let go of many toxic friends in the last year or so & find myself with only a few who aren't too difficult to be around. i hate the phone, & prefer email communication.
  16. Greggory Blundell

    Greggory Blundell *****

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    Thank you, Kati. serenity, For me at least, I prefer email. I get tired talking and people hear that. email is transparent...
  17. serenity

    serenity Senior Member

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    Austin
    i'm ok with some people one on one, i actually enjoy talking - but, not on the phone. ugh.
    people have no phone manners & i can't stand it, they are always doing something else while talkin to me. it bugs the hell out of me, here i am taking time out of my day to sit on the phone which will make me a little tired & ill after & they can't have the decency to sit down & talk to me?
    ugh
    as i said, i relate very much to this topic
  18. Greggory Blundell

    Greggory Blundell *****

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    I cannot begin to tell you the number of times I've snapped at someone on the phone :FOCUS! Only to regret it later because they don't know how precious cognizant time it to us and I should remember this.
  19. Kati

    Kati Patient in training

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    One thing that I forgot in my previous post is the importance of laughing. Find ways to laugh- whether you will lol by watching America's Funniest Videos or through other means, it will lift your spirits up for sure. Of course you can always resort to the " Paging Dr Yes" thread, always helpful when I run out of ideas! :D
  20. Misfit Toy

    Misfit Toy Senior Member

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    I think of myself as a funny person. I love a good dry sense of humor. Howard Stern makes me laugh and I know he offends many. I can take him in small chunks of time still. But, I cannot deal with someone who is chronically funny and "on." Anyone who is never serious or who feels the need to lighten the mood when I am telling them how I was just at the ER and am not on steroids or something...I cut them loose. I cannot handle superficial conversations and bullshit.

    I am reminded of how ill I am because 6 years ago, I could handle this. Now, this type of person wipes me out. When you become really ill, everything changes. What I want now is someone who is DEEP. Someone whos knows a thing or two about pain.

    Kati, I am constantly learning about my family and expectations. I have made strides in changing that, but I really need to turn the machine on more.

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