Here is a realization I came to in chat.....I will paste it here. I wanted to share it with you all! "and buddhist heroes will go meditate in a cave for 7 years, and they are so thirsty and starved that they can barely think.......but they consider it "productive" So that made me re-think what I consider productive. Like maybe all my suffering is productive in a way. If someone can do what the buddhist monks do and reach enlightenment....I figure I am pretty close to that! Because all I basically do is sit in a cave. So maybe I am thinking about it in the wrong way 2:58 AM we do not go into the caves, but we are heroes "in house" ...in bed.. 2:59 AM yeah. Like in America, they would call you crazy if you meditated for 7 years with little food. But if there is one culture that says that is good and they celebrate it, then fine. I will take it. I used to feel like I was wasting my life, but now I don't feel like that. Thinking I was wasting my life, is what was wasting my life....I was devaluing it" I just want to let all you guys know that the one thing this illness cannot take from us, is the one thing we were put on this Earth to do....to love! Loving is a choice, as well as an emotion/feeling. And we are all here for a reason! Please don't think your life is not worthwhile. It is a miracle that we are all here. I have learned to not feel guilty for doing virtually nothing all day. I continue to love my husband and my family. I am sure that means something to them. I smile a lot of the time, because I feel like I have finally let go of the resentment for all the things I can't do. I am just happy to be here and to love others. That is all God asks of us anyways. I am not screwing up.