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taking a cue from "Selfish Knitters" on Ravelry

WoolPippi

Senior Member
Messages
556
Location
Netherlands
I belong to a group on Ravelry.com (database of knitting patterns and lots of forums)
It's called "Selfish Knitters and Crocheters" but only because we knit what we want, when we want and for whom we want.

You wouldn't believe the amount of people who think they can ask for a handcrafted item just because you have the skills! Mostly they're after a freebie and don't realize knitting takes hours and hours and hours and hours.
If we say "no, I won't knit for you" we're often called selfish. But we really aren't.

In the group we're encouraging each other that "no" is indeed a polite and complete answer to a request. No justifications are needed.
We give each other examples of how to deal with the guilt and the urge to please people.
We laugh at ridiculous requests some knitters get.

The vibe of group has helped me with ME/CFS matters. Whenever a request is made upon me I check:
- do I want to do this? Really want? Would I have enjoyed doing this if the request was not made?
- will the person appreciate my effort? Know how much it will cost me?
- would this person do a similar thing for me if the situation was reverse?

I've now been called selfish in my family because I don't attend birthdays or send cards. Because I insist on emailing people instead of calling them on the phone. You know, all the things that make life more bearable for an ill person.
It's ok. I'm doing better for it healthwise.

I now have the freedom to enjoy my time on the sofa and actually knit, instead of fretting over guilt or being too exhausted from whatever I felt I had to do instead of what I wanted to do.
I've also stopped explaining the hows and the why's. If they don't know by now, they never are going to hear me.

Be "selfish", dear PRers!
 

belize44

Senior Member
Messages
1,660
I don't knit, but I certainly can relate to how much time and effort goes into it! Over fifteen years ago, a good friend's mother knitted me a beautiful afghan as a Christmas present. I was amazed and touched at this gift, because I knew it must have taken a long time to do. It meant more to me than gift certificates, expensive presents from high end stores, or anything else I can think of. This woman recently passed away, and her gift, which I still have, means even more to me.

This is why I agree with the OP so much, because the time and work that goes into knitting beautiful things should be respected. And, I love the comparison to our illness because it also rings so true!
 

whodathunkit

Senior Member
Messages
1,160
In my 20's I taught myself how to crochet after I quit a crap job to look after my newly invalid (massive stroke) Grandmother. I had a lot of sitting time to fill. It was A LOT of work. I completed a hat, scarf, and two doilies (crazy hard) before life got going again and I had to stop crocheting. Aside from the time-consuming nature of it, I also found that it gave me a lot of neck and shoulder tension. Although I've heard from the veterans that that goes away with time. Is this true, @WoolPippi?

Even before I taught myself I wouldn't have had the chutzpah to ask for a freebie, though. Jeez. I can't imagine asking someone for free stuff like that.

Guess I shouldn't be surprised, though. I used to be a massage therapist. People who wouldn't dream of asking an acquaintance for something tangible like a free scarf think absolutely nothing of asking someone they barely know who has massage skills "Would you mind working on my shoulders for a quick couple of minutes? They're REALLY REALLY REALLY tense." Further,they do it any old time: parties, during the massage person's break at work, impromptu neighborhood coffee klatches, etc. Basically whenever, wherever. :rolleyes: :meh: And it's worse with good friends and family. These days I let my old family members slide, but politely but firmly decline the "massage invitations" of family my age or younger, unless I have the energy or am in the mood. Categorically decline the invitations of bare acquaintances, no matter what the age.

Nice tie in with ME/CFS. Anyone who hasn't mastered the art of guilt-free declining (of anything, but particularly energy-draining activities) probably should start working on it. It's very liberating once you master it.
 

WoolPippi

Senior Member
Messages
556
Location
Netherlands
I also found that it gave me a lot of neck and shoulder tension. Although I've heard from the veterans that that goes away with time. Is this true, @WoolPippi?

not in my experience.
I had to learn a different posture and more relaxed attitude towards knitting before it went away.
I still cannot crochet without it flaring up which is a pity because crochet is great.
 

SOC

Senior Member
Messages
7,849
Now that I live alone, I'm finding how much easier it is to construct what feels like a somewhat normal life, as long as I don't have to deal with other people's needs and expectations. When my daughter and son-in-law come to visit I realize how limited I actually am and how little things affect how well I function overall, even though since my daughter also has ME they are very considerate and understanding. It's just that when I don't have to think about other people, I can adjust my daily routines to best suit my capabilities.

Almost no one, including PWME ourselves, realize how much it impacts our health to work around other people's needs. IMO, we are very very fragile people. It's a miracle we function at all. I think it's admirable that most of us manage as much as we do given the consequences we suffer. Saying no, or asking for alterations to other people's expections should be considered a basic survival skill for PWME. But it's not. :(
 
Messages
2,565
Location
US
Now that I live alone, I'm finding how much easier it is to construct what feels like a somewhat normal life, as long as I don't have to deal with other people's needs and expectations.


It's just that when I don't have to think about other people, I can adjust my daily routines to best suit my capabilities.

Almost no one, including PWME ourselves, realize how much it impacts our health to work around other people's needs.

Yes, exactly! :thumbsup: :thumbsup: :thumbsup: It's so hard for me being in a relationship or dating, even when they compromise and put up with my irregular and late sleeping, etc. (But if I'm single, it sucks, because I need help from strangers :( since I don't have willing, nearby friends.)

Also the rest of your post is so true. :thumbsup:
 

WoolPippi

Senior Member
Messages
556
Location
Netherlands
that's funny: I'm the other way round :) (I crochet laying down + extra neck support. How do you knit?)
also lying down, with neck support :)
Or with my head flat and my eyes closed, just letting my fingers find their way through stockinette

for reducing tension in my shoulders I had to change to bigger needles and bigger yarn. No more fiddly stuff for me, no colour work, no socks. Also no more trying to get it perfect. I had to change my mental attitude most of all.
(and somehow Brioche stitch works really well for relaxing my shoulders.)

I keep a knitting blog over here, if anyone is interested. It has some dyeing and spinning too.
 

whodathunkit

Senior Member
Messages
1,160
I crochet laying down + extra neck support.
Hmmm. This never occurred to me. Maybe I should try this. Do you and @WoolPippi find that changing your "line of sight" orientation to your project (by lying down v. sitting up straight) impacts anything in your process?
 

Effi

Senior Member
Messages
1,496
Location
Europe
Do you and @WoolPippi find that changing your "line of sight" orientation to your project (by lying down v. sitting up straight) impacts anything in your process?
I prop up my head with some pillows (+ special neck pillow when I need extra support) so my elbows rest on the couch. This way my project is right in front of my eyes, so I think it's a similar 'line of sight' as if I'd be sitting up straight...