Story of dogged determination

[Gingergrrl]

OK enough! I am going to get tearful before breakfast and we can't have that can we

@justy Sorry about that and no crying before breakfast LOL

 

[Gingergrrl]

Thanks @PatJ for all your feedback and support.

The world is round and the place which
may seem like the end may also be the beginning.
―Ivy Baker Priest

Great quote!

Thoughts of suicide can be a benefit if they act as turning point toward something better and more optimistic. Going through with it is a permanent solution to what may be a temporary problem.

I could never go through with it b/c I cannot hurt my husband, daughter or parents to that level and I know the suffering it would cause them is greater than the suffering that I endure now. I just feel so guilty for the level that I hold everyone back from the life that they would choose to have. Plus sometimes I just get tired of the suffering myself.

Please remember what Firefly_ has said Gingergrrl. The real burden is in your mind. Instead of assuming you know what your family thinks, you could try asking them outright: "Am I burden to you?" A loving response from them may dispell your perception about being a burden.

We've talked about this a lot and I think both things can be true (that I am a burden but that they love me and choose to do this anyway.) I am not a financial burden to anyone but I am a physical burden b/c I cannot care for most basic needs on my own. Because I tried to taper off of a med, I made myself worse and can no longer eat alone or eat and then be left alone afterwards b/c of anaphylaxis risk and need to be pushed everywhere in wheelchair until I get a motorized one which will take some time.

Your love for them isn't a burden to them. The time you spend talking with them isn't a burden. The help you provide to your daughter with her homework or problems in life isn't a burden.

I try to remember this when she is so excited to lie on my bed or sit with me on couch and tell me stories of her day and show me things. Many teenagers do not do this so I know I must listen well and provide her with solid feedback. It is just frustrating b/c I cannot do anything with her outside of the home (not even as basic as eating in a restaurant b/c of my MCAS, cannot drive her anywhere, cannot go for a walk, cannot take her shopping and all the things that I'd planned.)

Think of what your family would lose without your presence ― it would be more than what they would gain. Your husband would lose a loving wife and wonderful person who shares his life. Your daughter would lose an experienced guide, friend, and mother. She would have many significant moments in her own life, such as marriage, that would occur without you.

I know this is true on some level but if I were gone, they could travel and go on vacations like they used to, and they would be free of this burden. My time with her where I was healthy was so brief, I don't think she even really remembers it.

Real life is every moment. A diverse life of rampant activity isn't any more real than a bedbound life. It's what you do with the time you have that really matters. The fact that they are with you shows that they choose to spend their time with you, not that you are holding them back.

I guess "real life" wasn't the best word choice on my part and I have accepted that this is my real life, I just don't want it! I don't really want or need rampant activity, just to be able to leave the apt on my own. Right now the front door is too heavy for me to open on my own and I often feel like I am in prison (by my own body) but my family is free and is in prison b/c of me.

Don't forget about alternative medical systems such Ayurvedic Medicine, and Traditional Chinese Medicine. They both have very different, but often very effective ways of treating illness. They have intelligent, experience based techniques that western medicine isn't aware of.

You are right and this is something that I have not pursued for this illness yet.

Long ago I read two words that I've never forgotten: Fail forward. Every "failure" is one less item on your list of things to research or try.

This is true and it seems like this is all I have done the last three years is "fail forward."

Knowing what doesn't work may be valuable information at some point. I've read that Mr. Dyson who invented the cyclonic vacuum went through more than 1200 prototypes. He learned from what didn't work and failed forward toward a design that works beautifully.

Thank you and I did not know that!

Ninety-five percent of the remedies I've tried have either made me worse or done nothing. But without continued searching and trying I wouldn't have found the five-percent that have helped and improved my health.

Agreed and about 95% of stuff I've tried has also made me worse or done nothing.

I can learn and fail forward. You can do the same.

I will keep trying and talking to you is always very inspiring for me and I wish I could maintain such a good attitude as you do! I really appreciate it.