Two nights ago I woke up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom; nothing strange about that. But two nights ago was a full moon and it was coming in brightly and I could see myself getting out of bed in the full length mirror. I couldn't see details, just body size and shape mostly. I didn't recognize myself. Seeing myself from a distance full length, like the reflection in a door, I still don't get that hit "it's me". At night when I change position and my hand is resting on my chest or stomach for the past few years I get a hit of "Who's body is this I'm feeling?" Especially if I was dreaming of other times. I know the struggle to keep weight off after usually a struggle to get it off. My struggle wasn't with weight directly, it was with finding the right nutrition that changed my metabolism. I wonder if others have things like that. Over the last 4-5 years I've lost about 75 pounds of water and fat after a loss of a previous 45 pounds a few years earlier, and put on 50 pounds of muscle. As a result I look and feel quite different, to me and everybody else. My body feels radically different to my hands. I wonder how much "this isn't me" plays in this whole business of changing our bodies and have them stay changed. I have lost my foundations. I don't "know" what pain free feels like any more. I haven't felt that in more than 50 years. I don't know what feels normal. I don't know what feels "right" in an overall basis. Intellectually I can recognize myself at a distance in a mirror but it doesn't have the "that's me" response to it. I wake up to a changing profile of pain every morning, and when some part of it is worsening that I notice, it's a real downer, day after day.