I have been restless/wired on and off since my "big crash" almost 1,5 year ago. But this past months this has gotten really bad, and I'm in a position where I most days can't rest nor be active, and this state provokes horrible anxiety and dark thoughts. I always been a restless soul even before getting sick. I have a lot of anxiety because of all my symptoms. My insomnia is horrible - last night it took me 6 hours (!) to get to sleep and then I woke up after 4 hours. I feel so stressed all the time. I'm going crazy with worry and this restlessness. I'm afraid of getting more sick, afraid of not getting better. I tried so many ADs but can't tolerate them. I will try Valdoxan next but I'm skeptical because when being this ill you don't need energy or motivation, which ADs tend to give you. Most ADs makes me even more restless and wired. I need to be able to relax and enjoy small things again I think. TV was my saver before but now I can't handle the visional overload. I miss my horses so much it's hurts everyday. In periods I suppress the grief, pretending it is okey. But as soon as I see a horse I will get reminded. I just can't accept a life without them. Living like this is so depressing. Not having physical energy nor be able to watch the world because of visional overload (light sensitivty, inability to handle movements etc). I wake upp hoping there is not a beautiful day outside since I can't take part in it when having bad days. Just writing it depresses me. I'm desperate. I have to be able to rest.