Dr. Bateman answers IOM questions from the community: Part 1
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Profile of a Critical Person

Discussion in 'Spirituality and ME/CFS' started by Wayne, Feb 12, 2012.

  1. Wayne

    Wayne Senior Member

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    It almost seems to be a given that anyone dealing with CFS will at some point have to deal with an exceptionally difficult interpersonal relationship involving someone being critical of us for our health difficulties. I think the following two paragraphs are quite remarkable in that they succinctly describe the kind of person (or mentality) I believe many pwCFS either have dealt with, or will deal with at some point. Just having a good understanding (from a spiritual perspective) of the kind of person who turns on those close to them could be helpful for those of us who are faced with this type of situation.

    Best Regards, Wayne
     
    Last edited: Feb 15, 2015
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  2. Nielk

    Nielk

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    Thanks Wayne for this insightful description. It is easier to deal with these type of personalities if one recognizes that it is an inherent weakness in their personality. It takes away the blame and shame, knowing that it's not our fault. It is their character flaw that makes them look at the world in a warped way. It also solidifies my feelings that one can't really change them or their opinions. It remains a very difficult situation to deal with, especially when one is feeling sick, weak, vulnerable and highly emotional.
     
  3. Wayne

    Wayne Senior Member

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    Critical "Group Consciousness"

    Hi Nielk,

    All good points Nielk. I might add that in addition to individuals having this character flaw, it can also be quite pervasive in institutions where a "group consciousness" exists, such as in psychiatry (the Simon Wesselys of the world). It can also show up in an entire profession (Sexism in Medical Health Care), which is a pretty sobering thought, given how much we're all affected by it.

    Best, Wayne
     
  4. madietodd

    madietodd Senior Member

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    And remember that this trait is just a part of a whole tapestry of personality. I was taken by surprise by someone I'm close to, when this suddenly surfaced. Because her more obvious personality traits are very kind and generous.

    When I got slammed, I realized that I'd always noticed a nitpicking complaining streak that seemed out of character. I had ignored at my peril a basic truth: if she's complaining about other people behind their backs, she's probably doing the same to me.
     
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  5. Nielk

    Nielk

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    It's interesting that you mention that it's not always an obvious recognized problem. The person I am thinking of, also seemed (and probably is) very kind and thoughtful so it came as a big shock to me when they became "not accepting of" my illness. Then, I thought back and this person was always very opinionated. Thinks seem always either black or white to them. They either love someone or hate them. There doesn't seem to be a middle road. I've come to realize that this person harbors a lot of hidden anger. Unfortunately, this anger seems to be directed to me and my illness now. I try to rationalize that they just don't realize what they are doing but, I can't say that it's not hurtful.
     
  6. Mary Poppins

    Mary Poppins PJ Princess

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    This is an interesting discussion, thanks for bringing it up, Wayne. I must say that I've been guilty of being over critical of people. This was indicative of severe emotional pain, however, and wasn't actually what I believed at heart.

    It was more about projecting outwards the inner turmoil I was feeling on the inside.
     
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  7. Wayne

    Wayne Senior Member

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    I think this topic on criticism is an important one for pwCFS who find themselves on the receiving end of it. it's been on my mind recently, and thought I'd revisit this thread for others who may find it helpful.
     
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  8. GracieJ

    GracieJ Senior Member

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    Glad you bumped it. It describes my upbringing. I came across a really nice list of home/family traits today (we do kindness, we do forgiveness, we do second chances, etc.) including grace. "We do grace." That is such an opposite concept to those two paragraphs. A good one to remember when others do not understand at all. It is so easy to get caught up in anger at the critics when the need is great for understanding for our circumstances. Somehow, some way, dealing with it well includes giving grace and understanding to those very people.

    Then you need to run away as fast as you can from toxicity. At least, I know I need to, just cannot abide those circumstances at all.
     
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  9. Wayne

    Wayne Senior Member

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    @GracieJ, very well put.... thanks.

    I had varying degrees of (angry) judgment come my way, which took me a long time to figure out the best way to deal with it. I essentially realized I didn't have the health, strength and resilience to deal with it, so after initially "running away" from it all, I decided to stay away. And then I got more angry judgment for doing that.

    Some people are going to judge us harshly no matter what we do, because that's part of their makeup. I've come to accept it--it is what it is. I very much agree with your mentioning how we need to run away from toxicity as fast as we can. It seems almost certain engaging with our critics would be extraordinarily depleting.
     
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