The 12th Invest in ME Research Conference June, 2017, Part 2
MEMum presents the second article in a series of three about the recent 12th Invest In ME International Conference (IIMEC12) in London.
Discuss the article on the Forums.

Opinion On Grieving

Discussion in 'General ME/CFS Discussion' started by SmokinJoeFraz93, Sep 10, 2017.

  1. SmokinJoeFraz93

    SmokinJoeFraz93

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    I know these forums are based on M.E./CFS, but I’d like people’s opinions on something I’d like to ask.

    My question is regarding grieving. I lost my father when I was 10 years old, and I don’t know if I ever grieved. Yes I cried when my grandmother told me he had passed, and yes I cried in the funeral. But nearly 14 years have passed and I can speak about my father with no emotion involved.

    Also, my grandparents brought me up since aged 5, and I lost them both 3 years ago within the space of 3 months of each other.

    The reason why I’m asking this question because I really do believe there’s an emotional/unconscious connection as to why I have this chronic illness.

    So the question is, can someone give their opinion as to whether I’ve grieved the loss in my life?

    Thanks.
     
  2. pamojja

    pamojja Senior Member

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    Might be you learned at a young age to get over the grief through not remembering somehow, or it might be not applicable to you at all. How to you respond to situations where it would be only natural to grief these days?

    I think that could turn out immensely complicated. I remember as a young adult, still healthy somewhat keen to wake up suppressed negative emotions. I did wake them up, and along with it came some health issues (though not ME/CFS).
     
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  3. SmokinJoeFraz93

    SmokinJoeFraz93

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    Well the only thing I can think of is when I have feelings for a person and we split up, I find it very painful. That’s all I can give an example of.
     
  4. pamojja

    pamojja Senior Member

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    As you describe it, you also give the very good reason to come over such painful feelings of loss. Especially as a 10 year old. Now, much older, you could of course also take a different stance, if you feel ready, and dive a bid deeper than the pain-layer of such feelings.

    But without expecting recovery of chronic conditions, as I think it's a bid more complicated than that. But for a richer emotional life itself.


    PS: And it is completely OK not to.
     
    Last edited: Sep 10, 2017
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  5. Valentijn

    Valentijn Senior Member

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    The research shows that there isn't a connection between earlier trauma and developing ME/CFS. So it would seem unlikely. But a lot of people have experienced trauma, and some of them end up with ME eventually - but most don't. So it's more likely to be unfortunate coincidence.
     
  6. SmokinJoeFraz93

    SmokinJoeFraz93

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    That’s the thing, I’ve been to therapy multiple times, and spoke about stuff, and nothing ‘comes up’.
     
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  7. SmokinJoeFraz93

    SmokinJoeFraz93

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    I think there is... https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/19124690/
     
  8. pamojja

    pamojja Senior Member

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    So you seem to be bent on finding out? ;)

    Maybe try something as safe as focusing assistance? Just as simplified example, if nothing 'comes up' (in focusing the attention is always directed to the present), how does that feel and what kind of sensation are associated with all of that? .. (pause) ..

    If that doesn't help, something a bid more brutal like a 10-day vipassana retreat? Though for a very few that could be re-traumatizing.

    Whichever way, good luck.
     
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  9. Valentijn

    Valentijn Senior Member

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    Retrospective studies have been widely discredited for connecting past trauma to disease. Having a disease seems to result in a general recall bias, which is not present when prospective studies are used. Accordingly, prospective studies into trauma have shown no increase in cases of ME, and provide much stronger evidence.
     
    Last edited: Sep 10, 2017
  10. hellytheelephant

    hellytheelephant Senior Member

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    I think the fact you have asked the question suggests that you don't feel you have grieved...and yours is the only opinion that counts!

    I have found my grief about 'losing my life to ME' (that sounds melodramatic, but you know what I mean), has manifested as grief about past losses where I had no space to grieve at the time.

    For me therapy/counselling have been really positive experiences. It has given me tools and insight into how to live better with what life has thrown at me. ME and pain are very hard to live with, but I am more at peace than I have ever been,due to lugging around less emotional baggage.

    If you feel you would like to explore this further in a talking therapy, I would say, go for it, but with two cautions:

    • Do not have 'getting better from ME' as your goal, as this will only lead to major disappointment for both you and the therapist.

    • Find a therapist that understands that you have a serious physical illness. It is important that he/she doesn't have 'curing' you as their goal.
    Another option would be doing some kind of creative work with an art therapist or Meditation. Meditation is incredibly revealing.

    In terms of why people get ME- there are so many factors involved. Many people go through traumatic losses and never get sick like us...

    :hug:
     
    Last edited: Sep 10, 2017
  11. SmokinJoeFraz93

    SmokinJoeFraz93

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    Thanks for your input. I thought that myself to be honest. At this precise moment I’ve given up on therapy because I’m spending money and getting nowhere. Whenever I speak about childhood traumatic events or even my dad’s death, I feel nothing. It’s just like talking about the weather.

    So I’ve just let it be hoping that one day something just clicks inside and I begin a grieving process whatever that looks like.
     
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  12. Alexi

    Alexi

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    Trapped emotions : Google Dr Brad Nelson
     
  13. SmokinJoeFraz93

    SmokinJoeFraz93

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    I’ve come across him before. Wasn’t fussed on him.
     
  14. NelliePledge

    NelliePledge plodder

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    ive had mild depression/low mood due to prolonged grief about my mum having severe dementia over 12 years, when she died I was pretty quickly over the depression and off fluoxetine within 6 months

    but with ME i think it is going to be on a par with stomach ulcers which previously were attributed to exessive stress but are down to H Pylori
     
  15. *GG*

    *GG* Senior Member

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    Doesn't sound like you had much of a connection to your farther? My father is still around, but we are very different, how much will I grieve when he passes? Not sure, but feelings towards him now would say not much, he was a good provider, but that is about it!

    He is 77 now and has had a decent life, so I doubt I will grieve in that regard. Meanwhile I have been been ill now for more than 14 years, and he doesn't know shit about my illness!

    GG
     
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  16. SmokinJoeFraz93

    SmokinJoeFraz93

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    Thanks for the reply. I’m sorry to hear what you’re going through.

    As far as I know, my father and I had a close relationship. I didn’t live with him, but we were close.
     
  17. erin

    erin Senior Member

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    I've lost my dad when I was 18, thirty years on, still grieving and I have ME.

    I remember him every day very fondly, I still talk to him in my head (yes border line Schizophrenia!)

    I believe I had ME some 12 years ago after a horrid chicken pox infection.
     
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  18. SmokinJoeFraz93

    SmokinJoeFraz93

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    Thanks for the reply. Sorry to hear what you’re going through.
     
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