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Living separately from partner/husband/wife etc. for health reasons?

Discussion in 'Lifestyle Management' started by Plum, Oct 2, 2016.

  1. Plum

    Plum Senior Member

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    I was curious if anyone else is living apart from their partner/husband/wife for health reasons?

    This is something I am having to consider.

    My partner's job is in a large, very polluted city and housing within commutable distance is not doing my health any good as I have MCS as well as ME. I'm finding the thought of doing this very upsetting as I would hate to not be physically with my partner every day. Even though I'm mainly in bed and don't talk very much it's nice knowing he's around.

    We've discussed him moving job several times but either the jobs aren't suitable for him or the environment still isn't good for me.

    Curious if anyone else is living this and has any suggestions?
     
  2. cman89

    cman89 Senior Member

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    I have never been married, but I can say Ive had to take time away from relationships for health reasons. If your partner is mature enough, then I think there should be a general understanding of actions that you have to take for the sake of your health. It does sound like you have explored options, which is good, and sometimes opportunities arise out of the blue that we never expect, so maybe a temporary situation would be just that, time-limited.
     
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  3. RogerBlack

    RogerBlack Senior Member

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    Consider the downsides.
    'polluted' - why is this a concern?
    Why do you think removing this will help?

    There are a number of ways to remove some different pollutants that may be appropriate - especially if you're mainly bedbound.
    Would you actually have a maid/... service available?
    Assuming fo the moment that your partner helps with the housework when you're most ill - having to struggle through this does not help CFS at all.

    Consider also what else you can do with the money that would be spent.
     
    Last edited: Oct 2, 2016
  4. flybro

    flybro Senior Member

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    pluto
    I have MCS and have faired better in more rural location.

    Is there anyway yr partner could seek different employment?
     
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  5. hellytheelephant

    hellytheelephant Senior Member

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    I agree with @RogerBlack - I think the downsides would outway the upsides : loss of emotional support, help with the house, the expense and upheaval of moving etc...( and for both of you not having a daily relationship-which could lead to all kind of practical problems as well as been miserable because you miss each other)

    Maybe this is a good point to reiterate to your husband just how much you value having him around and just how much he helps you...? He might be feeling that he is a bit useless in making things better.
     
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  6. Gingergrrl

    Gingergrrl Senior Member

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    I agree although of course I do not know all of the details and each situation is so unique.
     
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  7. Cheesus

    Cheesus Senior Member

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    I do not have MCS so I am afraid I cannot offer any advice grounded in experience, however when I saw your post I immediately wondered if an air purifier could help alleviate some of the burden of city living. It would be a terrible shame if you were forced to live separately.
     
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  8. Gingergrrl

    Gingergrrl Senior Member

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    Excellent idea and we have two Blue Air Hepa Filters (one in bedroom and one in living room) plus a top quality filter (just the paper filter itself) that our apt bldg lets us put into our A/C unit vs. the one that they would supply. We had such a bad experience with mold that we take every precaution available now.
     
  9. L'engle

    L'engle moogle

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    Could you try getting away for a weekend together to a rural place and seeing how you feel in a non-polluted environment?
     
  10. Zombie_Lurker

    Zombie_Lurker

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    I have MCS as well. I too have an IQ air purifier in the bedroom and a different one in the living room. Another extreme measure that we have done is that my wife's work clothes are kept out on the porch (These get perfumy from working in an office building). She has a separate set of home clothes.
     
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  11. Hell...Hath...No...Fury..

    Hell...Hath...No...Fury.. Senior Member

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    I don't have MCS so can't advise as my situation is different but I live separate to my partner (and maybe always will) as i'm too ill for 24/7. I don't mind my own company so its not too bad for me.

    There's too much mess when there's both of us and i'm the one who clears it up as he'd happily live in a pig sty. After a few days the mess starts getting me down. When i'm on my own there's less to do and I can properly rest.

    The only way i would ever live with a partner is if they aren't housework shy. I don't mean anal levels but not leaving a trail of clutter everywhere they go.

    Its great having a different house to go to once or twice a month too. Its the only break i get from my prison here and because he doesnt care about mess, the whole time i'm there i can do absolutely nothing and leave stuff lying around knowing i can come back to my tidy home after a few days :)

    I think i'd struggle not having his house these days. The cabin fever would be so much more intense if we were together and I didn't have his place to go to. I can only stand one month inside here before my mind starts suffering.

    We're together at weekends and he can pop over through the week if i need him after work. This arrangement is perfect for me and he gets his freedom from me too.
    This might not be great for you and your partner as you'd miss each other a great deal :(
     
  12. L'engle

    L'engle moogle

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    @Plum Just an idea. I've been able to improve the air quality in my room and the spare room next to it quite a lot by adding snake plants (sanseiveria(sp?)), which produce oxygen day and night and filter the air of toxins. Combining that with an air filter I realize that I rarely air out my room anymore. We had a very smoky week last summer due to forest fires in the interior but I was almost entirely in my room that week and the air was good. You might be able to create a good environment in your room or home and just rarely allow the polluted city air to come in.
     
  13. SueJohnPat

    SueJohnPat Sue

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    Hello,

    I am considering living apart from my family temporarily so I can peruse extreme mold avoidance.

    I went in s " mold " sabbaticAl to the Death Valley California area in Oct 2016. I was gone for 2 and 1/2 weeks.

    I had a remission of 90% of symptoms And at the end of 2 weeks I hiked 3 miles in Death VAlley with no pem.
    CAme back to NJ ( next to Philadelphia)
    Felt great for about 3 weeks . Then . Back to CFS.

    We had mold in our home remediated . I took cholestyramine last August and felt well from August 2016 until November.

    We are moving to an apartment nearby. I went there on a rainy cloudy day / felt good to me.

    My sons are 15 and 17 , my husband is 57 and is. Civil engineer. We need to stay in our area until my oldest graduates high school.

    I am back to CFS. I am improved that I can now go out a little And have been able to make a few friends again.
    However
    I have severe cognitive issues at times and feel like a zombie. Then this clears up after a few days especially if it sunny and warm.

    LAst week it was sunny and hot and my symttoms significantly subsided . Able to walk 1/2 mile without pem.

    It had been cool : cloudy much of the last week. I have been struggling.
    I feel blah, I try to push to do something then I will start shaking become dizzy feel nauseated and will burst into tears.

    I have been ill for 7 years. I have not been able to participate in my families life.

    This did not happen once in Las Vegas and Tecopa (Death Valley) Ca. I was alone and I felt my old self emerge.
    I was alone and was afraid at the start.

    I did have one mini crash in Las Vegas ( I stayed in Las Vegas for 3 nights before going to Death Valley) after going on a hike in Red Rock Canyon. Went back to room about 2 pm and stayed in until nextt morning.

    Back in NJ. I have withdrawn from my friends. My old friends are all busy working . My husband had been very depressed . He is getting help but it is not working. I think maybe the mold is affecting him.

    Feel like I just put on an act trying to be ok and just get minimal stuff done around the house. I tried to talk my husband into integrative therapy for depression and ketamine but he will try nothing with his md.

    We have money saved . I was thinking about taking a year off as a family and traveling. He just says " we can't afford it" .

    I remember how I felt while in Death Valley. I just want to go .
    I am hoping to improve after putting our stuff in storage And moving.
    I want to spend part of the winter in Mexico if my symptoms start to flare up again in November.

    I think you should try a trial or sabbatical in a pristine place. I was very afraid myself. I stayed at an airb and b in Tecopa California.

    My health drastically improved. I wound up helping my host clean up and he gave me a few nights for free. I met really interesting people I could actually tAlk to.

    I think you should try this. Not saying you will have a great result but for me it was life changing.

    Ps I have discussed this with my husband . My family wants me to stay but imy husband and my kids have seen my extreme suffering and realize why I may be on my own for periods during the winter. My symptoms start settling in badly ( for me this is from Nov/ April. )
    I may buy a MECU . A van to sleep in to avoid mold.

    I have gone on a few mini trips to Atlantic City by myself and like it a lot. I like traveling alone because I can do my own thing at my own pace. I never traveled alone before but now I love it.

    I think Lengle offers some good suggestions.

    Sorry for the novel, the desicuon to travel alone for an extended period of time was very very scary and I had to push it past my husband but it changed my life.



    Ps. I had 2 exercise studies done one by Betsy Keller and one at Georgetown Dr James Baranuik. These indicated I had CFS. I have never been bedbound but I am on disability and at times have been housebound.
     
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  14. Hell...Hath...No...Fury..

    Hell...Hath...No...Fury.. Senior Member

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    I totally hear ya. I've been all over the world on my own while ill. Longest trip was 6 months. I really miss it. Hot places fantastic, cold places horrific and extremely painful.

    I was always single while doing this so had no one to think about but myself but now i'm with someone its much more difficult. I don't envy your situation, its an awkward predicament to be in.

    I've travelled with my partner but its so much more hard work as i'm the one who has to do/arrange everything. I have the safety of having someone with me but the benefits end there :whistle: I love being on my own, being able to go at my own pace and rest whenever I want.

    I was going to say that eating out etc. is easier when with someone but even that is do-able on your own. There's always people around especially if hostelling and I became expert at picking safe quiet pubs to pluck up the courage to go for a drink on my own. Perfecting my 'resting bitch face' so I didn't get bothered by men helped too :D

    I hope you get to keep up the travelling, once you get a taste for it, and the different version of yourself you find while there can be hard to give up.
     
    Last edited: May 30, 2017
  15. SickOfSickness

    SickOfSickness Senior Member

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    I hope you go, @SueJohnPat. Thanks for sharing that you pushed through the fear.

    Sorry, too tired to add more, but I love your post.
     
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  16. TrixieStix

    TrixieStix Senior Member

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    Do make sure you minimize/avoid exposure to "Valley Fever" (fungal lung infection) while down there are it is in the places you are talking about staying.

    https://www.cdc.gov/features/valleyfever/index.html
     
  17. SueJohnPat

    SueJohnPat Sue

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    I am aware of Valley fever. It seems self limiting and can be treated with antifungals. Frankly I would take Zika , west Nile and Valkey fever and malaria over cfs. I would be more scared of Hanta virus.

    CDC makes a big issue out of these and they should , but cfs is virtually ignored.
    Loves Ebola which is a huge problem in Africa , a few people here got it, front page media attention and less than 10 people in United States sick from it. Cfs over a million people sick , treated like we are a little tired. Next to no publicity considering this such a widespread problem.

    If Valley fever is a concern there are other areas in a pristine environment that you can go to.
    I was 45 when I became ill. The only thing I did to prevent health issues was wash my hands and eat a balanced diet.
    I ate raw seafood and meat in the past . Something I don't do right now.
    I did have parasites which were treated. This is probably from my love of Sushi.

    If I can get " clear" and can get part of my life back I will gladly take my chances.


    I have lived a very conservative life. But living in NJ next to Philadelphia is not making much sense to me since everyone in my family seems to be suffering from neurological issues. Oldest son Add/ depression , youngest son Aspergers , husband depression. We gone to psychiatrists ( the best) no results. We tried tall the possible solutions now will try the " impossible" my favorite Sherlock Holmes quote.


    My friend around the corner has they same thing happening to a lesser extent in her family.


    We had been a very happy family before everything went south about 7 years ago. We had successful careers traveled , socialized , living the dream.

    I have no idea if moving , extreme mold avoidance will work but I have noticed a big positive effect when I practice it. It is very hard to wrap your head around but I have had severe acute reactions if exposed at times.
    It is just extremely difficult to even convince myself and I still have doubts at times, but I have to try.




    If I can feel well somewhere I I would go even if it may piut me at risk. If I had a guarantee I would have my health back I would live in the Jungle along the Amazon .
     
    Last edited: May 31, 2017
  18. TrixieStix

    TrixieStix Senior Member

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    Glad your aware of it. Someone I know became severely ill from it and the drug he had to take to treat it was a highly toxic and painful to administer intravenous drug (amphotericin) and he relapsed multiple timea. So that put the fright in me to avoid high risk activities when I am down there (digging in dirt, being outside when it's windy)
     
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  19. SueJohnPat

    SueJohnPat Sue

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    Sorry this happened to your friend. Amphotericin"s nickname is a pho. Terrible because it is such a toxic drug

    I well inderstand your fears when I went out west last year I was very scared. But as I started

    feeling better I started to feel confident about being able to rely on myself. I have not been able to do this for a very long time
    I am back to Cfs again. But I had a huge boost from the desert and plan to go back if I don't improve soon.

    I stayed at an airb and b in Tecopa. I felt I was way too sick to sttempt to camp in a text by myself. My room at The Seond Wind was a tiny lean to built onto the main house. It was as outside as I cpuld be without camping.
     
    Last edited: May 31, 2017

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