It's worth living like this?

[Basilico]

One of my old friends, who is autistic, asked me if I ever thought of euthanizing myself. I told him I did, and he just nodded his head in understanding. That meant so much to me. He was the first person who let me just express myself without judging me. Everyone else says things like, "I would be so sad if you did that!" Or "Suicide is for the weak. You have to keep going!" I know they mean well, but we really need people who will give us space to just be who we are, even if it's not so pretty.

I think this was one of the best responses. I am no stranger to dark depressions, and while I know many people try to be helpful, I often find myself cringing at responses that don't acknowledge that everyone is struggling with a different reality, and what is worthwhile for one may be an unbearable hell for someone else. I firmly believe that suicide is a personal choice, that each person must decide for themselves what they are able to bear, when it is worth living and when it isn't. Blanket statements like 'life is always worth living' really infuriate me because not only is it not true, but it's an insensitive response that invalidates the person asking for support.

With that said, the trouble is that a person's physical and mental state are subject to change, so one day or week or year everything might seem hopeless (depending on which neurotransmitters are or aren't working) while later on those feelings might drastically change. There were times when I absolutely would have loved to just end things, but didn't because I didn't want to hurt others who loved me. Looking back at those times, I'm glad that I had the resolve not to act. But what if it never got better...would I still feel glad? I don't know. The point is that my health and other issues are not necessarily better now than they were then (in fact, I was probably much better then), but somehow my brain doesn't feel the same hopelessness and despair as I did then.

You are suffering from the effects of a truly awful chronic disease. It has transformed your life into something you never expected. You have every right to question whether it's worth living under those constraints, and it's something only you can answer. But that answer might change over time, so even if your answer today is 'no, it's not worth it', next month it might be more along the lines of 'I'm really glad I didn't give up when things seemed bleakest.'

What if in the next year there is a medical breakthrough and a cure was found - would you think it's worth living then? What if you made some new friends or fell in love with someone? Those things may seem impossible now, but they might not be completely out of reach forever. If your answer to the question 'is it worth living' changes depending on factors that have a possibility of changing in the future, then it's probably worth sticking it out awhile longer and focusing on the things you can do, however small, to make your life more enjoyable. Maybe it's reaching out to others here on PR who are depressed and lonely and need support. Helping others who are struggling is a great way to help yourself in the process.

And in the meantime, maybe read up on the many, many, many philosophers who for thousands of years have been struggling with the idea 'is it worth living?' as a reminder that this existential question has been plaguing humanity from the beginning, and you are not alone in your questioning. It is an excellent question which has a different answer depending on who you ask and at what point in their lives they are asked.

 

[IThinkImTurningJapanese]

My point is- look for the little things like this. Whether it's a butterfly, a pretty flower, enjoying the fresh air outside, or good food. This is where I find joy and what keeps me going.

The Book of Tea helped me to start thinking like that.