I am hoping if I write this, I will sleep. I am exhausted. Happy New Year's. This past year, 2014, was one of the worst in my life. May 2015 be better. I am in a severe crash. Since stopping the Plaquenil and Topomax, which helped my sleep and pain, I am sicker than a dog. Every day is an absolute yo-yo for me. I am not sure what to do or where to go from here. I can't sleep for one. I slept on those meds. But, I can't live on a med that gives me headaches. And now my muscles are jumping all over, but I don't want to drink magnesium. I am frightened I will throw it up. I am so tired of medicine, whether it's holistic or regular. I don't want to swallow one more thing. My surgery is in 11 days. I wonder how I will be after. I have a week and a few days to get ready. I won't be able to type with 2 hands. I will be a mess. If I am bad now, I will be worse. It will put me in a total crash. I can't think of working this spring as I just feel that the surgery will totally set me back. I am exhausted. I came home from going to visit friends today because I am alone all of the time and I made myself go out today even though I didn't sleep a wink last night. I woke up exhausted and like what was that? Was that sleep? What was that? I woke up every 2 hours and was in pain throughout the night. I couldn't even get up until after 2 pm today. I was so exhausted and when I woke I felt like where am I and why am I feeling so poisoned? I dissect all that I ate yesterday and all that could of done it was drinking Tonic Water. I am not sure. There is no rhyme or reason to this thing. None. I go on the Sjogrens board on FB and I feel so disconnected from people on there. They can take the meds, some can exercise and some have no pain but more of the salivary issues and eye issues. I go on the CVID board on FB, they are all dying, or sick from infections. I go on the Fibromyalgia board, they are all in so much pain and tired. (I can relate to that.) But so many are doped up, angry, can't spell one word right folks and I think....do I fit in here? There is so much drama on that board and many are train wrecks. I know that sounds awful, but many are hardcore drug users. Or, alcoholics that are a mess. It's sad. Depressing. I come on here and many people don't have the pain that I have or the other diagnoses. Where do I fit in? I don't, but yet I do on here. I fit in only because I am comfortable here and feel like I have a more intimate relationship with people on PR. Thank you. I am just tired, a mess. I am worse since stopping the meds for Sjogrens, but I went off them because they were making me sick. I am worse than before I started taking them. My brain is a mess and yet the very meds that I take to help the brain, make me sicker or feel drugged. I am expecting to just be indoors this weekend because I am not sleeping and without sleep, I am useless. Here's to sleep. Maybe getting this out, I will sleep. I can't cry. I am too tired to cry. I am tired of fighting. I am tired of this illness. I don't know how many of us do it. It's relentless. I am praying. That's all I can do. I am praying that God, or whoever is above can help me. I need this yo yo to stop. I need my body to calm down. I need some sleep and for the pain to ease up. Please, up above, help. Give me some regularity instead of this crazy hell. I can't take it.