- Messages
- 33
I've been struggling with sexuality issues in my marriage as a result of myriad illnesses and up til now, the only two people I've talked to about this is my husband and one therapist who helped me a bit, but with whom progress seemed to have plateaued. Last night, I was meditating before bed and it occurred to me that I have this community of people who may understand my struggles better than anyone else in my life.
Here's some background. I've been married for just over a year. My relationship with my husband is solid. Our sex life is an ongoing struggle, though. I am 41 years old. My husband married me knowing that I am recovering (massively improved) from PTSD, some of which is related to sexual abuse, that I am diagnosed with fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue immune deficiency syndrome, natural killer cell deficiency, hypothyroid and orthostatic intolerance. My husband is a recovering alcoholic who has found healing via spirituality and who continues to grow and mature emotionally. The fact that he and I are both committed to growing spiritually is the basis of our relationship. He encourages me to take better care of myself by surrendering to how I feel, resting when I need to rest, and continuing to let go of fear of these diseases.
My sex drive is kaput whereas my husband has a very healthy sex drive. We have had numerous conversations about how to reckon with this. I see my issue as two-fold where part derives from fear as the result of trauma and the other from the symptoms of my battery of illness.
As for emotional trauma, I sought the help of a sex therapist. One of the important breakthroughs we had was her validating that for most of my young life (say, age 14 - mid-thirties) I was in the grip of a genuine sex and love addiction. I didn't know that was such a thing. I suffered immensely from that addiction. (If you know what I'm talking about, I need say no more about it. If you're not familiar with sex addiction or sex and love addiction, it's real and it's terrible.) The proponents of Anonymous groups expound that one will not find relief from addiction unless one surrenders to a spiritual path. I agree. The twelve-step program is one of many spiritual paths. I connected with my husband and was able to grow a healthy relationship with him only after I was well on my way to recovery from this addiction. The bizarre aftermath is that instead of suffering from an unrelenting and excruciating desire for validation through sex and "love", I now find myself in a truly loving relationship with a crappy sex drive. My addictive pattern still manifests in dreams where I feel that pain of desire intensely and act out with fictional men. This is something else I am learning to surrender to and little by little, I see myself in my dreams being guided by a more mature and fully present presence. I want to continue to learn how to experience sexual desire in the context of a healthy relationship. I am somewhat baffled by this because desire seems to imply lack and the object of desire seems to enforce its objectivity. Any thoughts on this part?
The second fold: I regularly feel so unwell that it never occurs to me to initiate sex with my husband. My skin feels like it's being electrocuted, every cell in my body hurts, I'm so tired, I sometimes weep at the thought of performing everyday tasks. No one understands this unless they've experienced it for themselves and I don't wish this on anyone who hasn't.
I've requested that he initiate sex verbally by asking. This way I am able to make a decision. Else, if he's trying to initiate via some sort of foreplay, I sometimes don't get it because I'm often confused or lost or repelled concerning physical cues for all the reasons mentions. I've only ever said no if I'm having a heavy or painful menstruation. It probably doesn't sound so romantic, but it helps clear up communication because otherwise, if I'm too dense to understand what he wants, I risk injuring his masculinity.
I feel like sexually, I'm a huge disappointment to my husband. I'm aware that I fulfill him in every other way and we love each other so much. He tells me that sex is just icing on the cake, but really, how good is a cake without icing? When we occasionally discuss this issue, we do come to an understanding and he does understand that I am working on my own healing. I just feel so stuck and when it does come up, I feel like nothing else I've accomplished matters and I just want the earth to swallow me whole and forget about me forever.
Even if you have no advice, I'd like to hear from you. If you're in more pain than I am, I love you and am here for you.
-K
Here's some background. I've been married for just over a year. My relationship with my husband is solid. Our sex life is an ongoing struggle, though. I am 41 years old. My husband married me knowing that I am recovering (massively improved) from PTSD, some of which is related to sexual abuse, that I am diagnosed with fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue immune deficiency syndrome, natural killer cell deficiency, hypothyroid and orthostatic intolerance. My husband is a recovering alcoholic who has found healing via spirituality and who continues to grow and mature emotionally. The fact that he and I are both committed to growing spiritually is the basis of our relationship. He encourages me to take better care of myself by surrendering to how I feel, resting when I need to rest, and continuing to let go of fear of these diseases.
My sex drive is kaput whereas my husband has a very healthy sex drive. We have had numerous conversations about how to reckon with this. I see my issue as two-fold where part derives from fear as the result of trauma and the other from the symptoms of my battery of illness.
As for emotional trauma, I sought the help of a sex therapist. One of the important breakthroughs we had was her validating that for most of my young life (say, age 14 - mid-thirties) I was in the grip of a genuine sex and love addiction. I didn't know that was such a thing. I suffered immensely from that addiction. (If you know what I'm talking about, I need say no more about it. If you're not familiar with sex addiction or sex and love addiction, it's real and it's terrible.) The proponents of Anonymous groups expound that one will not find relief from addiction unless one surrenders to a spiritual path. I agree. The twelve-step program is one of many spiritual paths. I connected with my husband and was able to grow a healthy relationship with him only after I was well on my way to recovery from this addiction. The bizarre aftermath is that instead of suffering from an unrelenting and excruciating desire for validation through sex and "love", I now find myself in a truly loving relationship with a crappy sex drive. My addictive pattern still manifests in dreams where I feel that pain of desire intensely and act out with fictional men. This is something else I am learning to surrender to and little by little, I see myself in my dreams being guided by a more mature and fully present presence. I want to continue to learn how to experience sexual desire in the context of a healthy relationship. I am somewhat baffled by this because desire seems to imply lack and the object of desire seems to enforce its objectivity. Any thoughts on this part?
The second fold: I regularly feel so unwell that it never occurs to me to initiate sex with my husband. My skin feels like it's being electrocuted, every cell in my body hurts, I'm so tired, I sometimes weep at the thought of performing everyday tasks. No one understands this unless they've experienced it for themselves and I don't wish this on anyone who hasn't.
I've requested that he initiate sex verbally by asking. This way I am able to make a decision. Else, if he's trying to initiate via some sort of foreplay, I sometimes don't get it because I'm often confused or lost or repelled concerning physical cues for all the reasons mentions. I've only ever said no if I'm having a heavy or painful menstruation. It probably doesn't sound so romantic, but it helps clear up communication because otherwise, if I'm too dense to understand what he wants, I risk injuring his masculinity.
I feel like sexually, I'm a huge disappointment to my husband. I'm aware that I fulfill him in every other way and we love each other so much. He tells me that sex is just icing on the cake, but really, how good is a cake without icing? When we occasionally discuss this issue, we do come to an understanding and he does understand that I am working on my own healing. I just feel so stuck and when it does come up, I feel like nothing else I've accomplished matters and I just want the earth to swallow me whole and forget about me forever.
Even if you have no advice, I'd like to hear from you. If you're in more pain than I am, I love you and am here for you.
-K
