I would love to hear from others about how to get off the seesaw of the up and down crash pull cycle. Im really bloody fed up today and yet i know that i am lucky because i have started for the first time in a few years to have ups, in general i have been improving but now i ma on a massive down swing again and i cant believ i keep getting back here and it all feels too much and like its never going to end. before i was ill all the time either in bed or the sfa, now after lots of hard work i am improving and can go out a bit more and have short walks etc, over easter i even felt like a nearly normal person for a few days, but now itrs all gone to pot again. I feel sick, my stomach hurts, i cant see properly, the pain is back, the dreams ate back. the panic attacks are back, i cant do very much without being utterly exhausted, the lights are too much, you know the way it is. Maybe im just crap at pacing, but when i feel ok io want to have some sort of life even if its a limited one. I am begining to see a pattern of two weeks good two weeks bad (sorry for typos -i cant work out how to spell today) the other day i stood for 10 minutes looking at a tree in myt garden -couldnt remember its name - its a normal tree that we have all over britain, we live on the edge of a wood that is full of them, they are my favourite tree. Where the word BEECH should have been in my brain was a gaping hole. i dont want to go back to this again, but i also dont want to whinge and be full of self pity i find it pathetic and when i feel a bit better i wont even remmebr it. I know im ranting, so sorry, just need some answers and i would so much love it if they werent the kind of answers that require superhuman amounts of effort or money to enact. Im fed up with having to try so hard all the time, does anyone else ever feel like this?