It's been really bad. When someone says, I've had a horrible day, it's so hard for me to not say, "I have had a horrible 6 years." This is a very negative post, so I apologize. I feel lifeless. Absolutely no zest. I have had a few weeks of horrible. Hell. There is no other word for it other than, torture. Right before my last period, I started the not sleeping. The night-sweats. The, "I feel like I just took a bath and jumped under my sheets" situation. And, someone or something just wakes me up, only to wipe my chest, my neck of this water. This salty water that is all over me. And, I fall back into some sort of sleep only to really be awake and then I wake in pain. Horrible pain all over. I feel like I am dying. After nights and days of horrible. Of exhaustion and horrible, I finally get my period. Finally would not be the right word. I am now getting my period early. Perimenopause, or premenopause strikes again. At age 43, I have been at this for years, but for the last year of horrible night-sweats and a lack of any energy. None. The night-sweats are recent. Two years of them, at this point. And so my CFS, FM, CVID, pain and insomnia that I already had has become intolerable. Inhumane. It's not normal or right. And, I am on progesterone and yet it is worse. And I did BHRT to get worse. I feel like my life is over. It feels over. For 12 days I had no sleep. Maybe 2 nights out of utter exhaustion. Lack of sleep would lead to pain that becomes out of control and I am forced to put on a pain patch, because the pain is that much worse. But, the Fentanyl pain patch causes me to develop a migraine. So, I leave it on only to have to take it off. These patches are supposed to be on you for 3 days. I can wear them for 6 hours. So, bed bound due to hormones. Yes, from upright to not getting out of bed, but not sleeping either. Just crying. Crying, or writhing in pain. Sitting around, unable to write a check or make a meal. Avoiding, or when talking to someone, seeming NUTS. Disconnected and why wouldn't I be? I can't sleep. I decide it's time that I MUST go to my doctor, for I can't go on like this. Mind you, before period....the week before I was due to get my period, I was doing okay. It wasn't great, but it wasn't hell. But to have 2 weeks of hell due to that time of month and "the change" is not normal. As I am driving to doctor, CFS doc, which is an hour away.....the main turnpike is closed. All cars are at a dead stop and I am forced to get off at an exit that literally takes me into New Jersey. Another state. 2 hours later, I am home. I am in bed dead tired, never made it to doctor. But, that CLOSED sign over the turnpike and then the cops and fence closing down the pike made me feel, "this is a metaphor for your life." CLOSED. And, having to go so far out of the way to get back home. Traffic, dead stop, paying money for tolls only to have gotten nowhere. So, no help with sleep with an early wake up tomorrow to hopefully get to the doctor. Try again. I reached out to a friend who had Lyme, a good friend who was crying. Her friend who lived near me, killed herself on Sunday. Yesterday. Her friend also had Lyme. I felt horrible. So bad for my friend and so bad for the woman who killed herself, but felt....happy for her, too. She got out! I know I am messed up if I am thinking that. Completely awful. Her friend with Lyme suffered with horrible untreatable migraines. Nothing worked for her. 15 years of Lyme with no help. No meds helped her. This whole thing made me feel worse. Sad. Anyway, this whole hormonal thing for me, is worse than anything. IT is worse than anything I have been through with CFS, CVID, whatever it is I have. Endo was so bad. I had so many surgeries and so much pain, but at least I had hormones. I was more sane, I slept better, even with endo pain...then I do now. Now, they have switched over to where I have too many or too little all in a matter of a day. I can't take the inconsistency. The lack of sleep, the exhaustion. I was hot all during my period. So hot. It was 65 degrees out and I am walking around in shorts. I am always cold, this is not like me. Before perimeno, I lived. I thrived. Now, I am dying. Or, I want to be. I hate this. And, I hate that this is downplayed. That menopause is not even talked about that much. There really isn't much on here about it. It effects well people horribly, let alone those with CFS.