1. Patients launch a $1.27 million crowdfunding campaign for ME/CFS gut microbiome study.
    Check out the website, Facebook and Twitter. Join in donate and spread the word!
Never Ask Us if We're Hungry -- The Answer's Always No
There are three of us here and for many years, none of us ever got hungry. When our brains would turn to mush, when our faces would go numb, and we would start the invisible vibration which is the signature dance of ME/CFS, we knew we needed to eat.
Discuss the article on the Forums.

Getting Married-- How to handle a wedding???

Discussion in 'Lifestyle Management' started by Sacajawea, Apr 18, 2012.

  1. Sacajawea

    Sacajawea slightly bedraggled

    Messages:
    50
    Likes:
    4
    Hi All,

    It's been awhile since I've visited the forum but I'm hoping you might be able to help me out a bit. I am actually getting MARRIED in about six months. Fell in love with a wonderful man, disabled himself, very compassionate and helpful but much healthier than me. Originally we thought it would be best to just have a private ceremony with no fuss. Although I rarely get out, between the both of us, family and friends are important so we decided to have a wedding and reception. It's really what I wanted. Especially when news started getting out about our engagement, it's been wonderful to see how happy people are for us, as we've both been through so much.

    Has anyone else been through this and how did you handle things? I plan on having the ceremony and reception at the same hall, right down the road from my house. There is a room where we'll either put a couch or a cot for me to be able to lie down as needed. Friends are helping with the details...I haven't done much more than some online searching for invitations and dresses (found one that looks comfortable and I can lie down in it, not a bridal dress).

    The stress I'm feeling right now is mainly wondering how long I will hold out, and how long will friends and family expect me to stay. We're figuring having a short short ceremony at about 4:30 followed with dinner and dancing for others (not us). My fiance doesn't want me to stay too long, which I can understand...but I'm wanting to be a part of things as much as possible. Friends and family will come from out of state, many whom I haven't seen in years so I feel I will need to plan ahead to make the most out of this day and not crash too much.

    I'm sort of all over the place right now...any suggestions or advice would help so much!

    SJ
    anne_likes_red, justy and L'engle like this.
  2. caledonia

    caledonia

    Messages:
    2,678
    Likes:
    1,283
    Cincinnati, OH, USA
    First off, congratulations!

    If you're like me, despite all your worrying, you'll rise to the occasion and be fine. I'm good for about 3 hours of social activity followed by a couple days of PEM.

    I would base it on what you've been able to do previously, without crashing too badly. I would expect and plan for some crashing.

    Rest up in the days prior - don't do a rehearsal dinner the night before, etc. Don't worry about traditions if they will cause you to crash badly.

    Anyway, it's your wedding, so you're in control. I like the plans you have in place so far (the cot, short ceremony, etc.).
  3. LaurelW

    LaurelW Senior Member

    Messages:
    552
    Likes:
    91
    Utah
    I'm in the same boat--getting married in less than 3 months and haven't managed to get the invitations out yet. I've booked the church and lined up the officiant, but that's about it. Any online invitation templates or other ideas would be most welcome.
  4. Googsta

    Googsta Doing Well

    Messages:
    391
    Likes:
    156
    Australia
    How lovely, CONGRATULATIONS!!! :balloons:

    We brought our wedding forward due to my declining health & managed to arrange it within a month (although I don't advise it!).
    First thing to remember is that your wedding day, whilst very memorable is only one day in the rest of your life/marriage. It's good to keep this in mind if things don't go to plan, the last thing you want is additional stress.

    It was not usual to sit during the ceremony but it was arranged that we could sit in comfortable chairs.

    It sounds like you have a very supportive circle of people surrounding you, these suggestions wouldn't work for everybody (I had little help & support due to lack of understanding).
    -DELEGATE! to people you trust & are reliable. Enlist your neices etc to help with alot of stuff, they'll love it.
    - Great! choose venues close to home.
    -Keep the reception simple, we forwent dancing etc & asked our guests to come to us as I couldn't 'mingle'. My husband also acted as a buffer when I had brain fog.
    -Don't use hairsprays etc that you are not used to, something as simple as this can really ruin your day. Keep this in mind when choosing flowers too.
    -On that note, if you have chemical sensitivities maybe request guests not to wear perfumes etc
    -We just handwrote our invitations & thankyou cards.
    -Is there a close friend who could style your hair in a practical/comfortable way?
    -Shop online for table decor etc, it's amazing what you can buy on ebay etc
    - Choose a reception venue with carpetting if you are noise sensitive, it absorbs alot of sound.
    - Keep some sunglasses, ear plugs, water, pain releif on hand. Maybe some Gatorade if you suffer OI.
    - For those wearing a traditional dress, keep a white sheet or large towel handy to use for sitting down on.
    - Make sure your photographer understands your limitations before the big day, that way they can plan taking shots in as shorter time as possible.

    Unfortunately our day was frought by unnecessary pressure due to in-laws being difficult, but that would have happened even if I weren't sick. They were annoyed that we only stayed at the reception 1.5-2 hours, but once again, they would have found something else to criticise anyway, lol.
    If I had it to do over again, that's the main thing I would address. It is YOUR day, not theirs.
    You can't please all of the people all of the time, this is one day when you have permission to suit yourself!

    Make sure you acknowledge your appreciation to those travelling long distances, maybe by way of a note or special thankyou card? My brain is firing off so many ideas lol, I hope I have made sense & something helps. X0
    Have a wonderful day!!!!!
  5. LilacGardenia

    LilacGardenia

    Messages:
    71
    Likes:
    38
    Lucky for you, CFS/ME or not, the bride has a hard enough time moving around with all the layers of the dress, train, etc. (depending on how elaborate you go.) You'll be able to sit a lot without it interfering with the wedding/reception or missing out on a lot, because that's typically what goes on (or at least at the weddings I've been to.)

    During your rehearsal, take note of any potential problems or changes you'd like to make before the big day, so you aren't as stressed or have one of those "I forgot" moments.

    Dress shopping can be really fun, but if you aren't a big dress shopping person, ask some friends or family to go with you. The same for the invitations or anything else--delegating tasks and using your support system for comfort and assistance can be helpful. People are typically happy to help because weddings are really exciting and it's always a joy (or at least I think so) to help make someone else's special. I've done Wedding announcements and invitations for people--you can find a lot of graphic design and artsy people out there that can help you. You can also go really simple with a clean cut basic design, if that's tasteful to you and your fiance (some people like a very simple design, others like to go elaborate, it's just a personal choice.) My parents went really simple with their wedding and they were happy with it--sometimes less is more, so don't get too stressed over thinking you have to do something, focus on what is necessary and what you and your fiance want that special day to be like.

    I hope you have the wedding of your dreams and a a great start to the happy journey with your love!
    All the best!
    Lilac <3
  6. LilacGardenia

    LilacGardenia

    Messages:
    71
    Likes:
    38
    If you have a friend or family member that's really artsy, ask them to assist. There are also plenty of art students and art major graduates that are in need of work (not too many job opportunities to meet the demand.) I'm sure you could hire someone to help you with them/make them for you. I know I made announcements and invitations for people (I was into graphic design and desktop publishing in high school.) You can also go really simple with a nice clean and basic design if that fits you and your fiance's fancy. You don't have to go all out with elaborate decor and invitations, just focus on what you two want them to look like. There are templates out there you could use, and websites that make them. I know I got my graduation announcements made at the Wal-Mart photo center thing. They turned out beautifully done and cost very little--I was very satisfied with it. :D

    All the best!
    <3 Lilac
  7. ggingues

    ggingues $10 gift code at iHerb GAS343 of $40

    Messages:
    3,866
    Likes:
    749
    Concord, NH
    I know it's easier said than done, but don't stress about things you cannot control!

    Just do the best you can, considering your condition, perhaps inform (ignorant) family of the severity of your illness/issues, therefore expectations of your time and energy can be realized.

    GG

    PS Congrats!
  8. LaurelW

    LaurelW Senior Member

    Messages:
    552
    Likes:
    91
    Utah
    Thanks for the great ideas! I'm going to look into them.
  9. Calathea

    Calathea Darkness therapy

    Messages:
    1,083
    Likes:
    527
    Scotland
    Congratulations!

    I went to my partner's mother's wedding in November, which involved a weekend in a hotel. I didn't go to the ceremony, as it was at the top of a tower. As well as eating with the family over the weekend and generally being around while stuff was being done, I went to the first part of the reception, then went back to my room and rested for a few hours in blissful silence, then went back for the dancing and dinner. I managed a short dance, the sort where you cling onto your partner for dear life and then just shuffle around a bit, and mostly sat around. After an hour we realised that there was no sign of the dinner, so I went back to our room, where I'd cunningly brought lots of snacks.

    My main problem was that I got really cold due to the exhaustion. I ended up wearing a long cardigan over my evening dress (and that itself was fairly warm as such things go, devor velvet over a slip, short sleeves), and instead of the flimsy organza scarf I'd brought for the reception, I ended up with the big creased faux pashmina I'd brought to wear with my coat. And I was wearing strappy sandals, so my feet got really cold. Since you'll be having a winter wedding, if you ever tend to get cold when you're tired, I would think about ways to combat that. At the very least, have lots of blankets ready for the cot, and maybe some sort of nice warm shawl or cardigan.

    Comfortable shoes are a must. If you're wearing a traditional dress, people won't really see your shoes, so you can certainly get away with flats. And if you're not going traditional, well then you're not being traditional anyway! If I could go back and change one thing about that wedding, apart from forgetting to pack the electric heat pad, I would bring my lovely warm faux-fur-lined boot slippers, the sort which are a cheap knock-off of Ugg boots. They were black, the dress was long and black, the lighting was low, no one would have noticed. I find that getting my feet and ankles warm makes a big difference when I've got cold.
    L'engle likes this.
  10. SickOfSickness

    SickOfSickness Senior Member

    Messages:
    1,793
    Likes:
    893
    US
    Congrats to you and LaurelW. Great you will have a supportive partner.
  11. hurtingallthetimet

    hurtingallthetimet Senior Member

    Messages:
    612
    Likes:
    113
    congratulations, that is great that you have a supportive partner like others said...i dont have any advice on the wedding i was married along time before becoming ill but i hoope you get alot of good advice from poeple who have been through it..
  12. Googsta

    Googsta Doing Well

    Messages:
    391
    Likes:
    156
    Australia
    IMO rehearsals are a waste of time & energy, we didn't do any & our wedding went just as smoothly as other peoples weddings we have attended. If anything they only increased the stress levels for everyone, it's not rocket science after all!

    The night before we had family come to see me as they had travelled several hours to attend. It would have been good to rest mentally, but it was special spending my last evening with them. Mum just bought some cold cuts, bread rolls & salad to feed everyone, that was nice & simple.
  13. taniaaust1

    taniaaust1 Senior Member

    Messages:
    7,404
    Likes:
    4,134
    Sth Australia
    Sounds like you already have got a quite good grip on the situation... the others have provided great suggestions too.

    If you have any MCS issues.. do put on your wedding invites please no perfumes.

    If you have orthostatic intollerance. Having a chair of the type you can actually put your legs up while sitting at the reception etc, may be a good idea.

    Another thing which really worked for me one xmas when I badly crashed and was far to ill to be with my large family and had to go to bed while they were basically having xmas lunch and thereafter.. was the bed was set up in another room but so that I could lay in there on my side and see clearly out the doorway at the eatting table and watch all the family procedings (or listen with eyes shut but look at times).

    Doing the above (I had clear view of most of the dining room and also of the kitchen and being in another room was much quieter), made it not as upsetting to not be able to participate. Make sure if you set up the above that all those there know in advance that if you head to the bed, not to come to you and leave you completely alone as you need the rest. It was so nice to rest, while still able to enjoy and watch my loved ones having fun.

    This was a great set up as I then didnt feel left out at all thou I did end up falling to sleep briefly on and off. watching the family between dozes (I also had ear plugs for when noise was too much for me).

    I guess if the set up of the place was wrong and one couldnt do the above.. maybe one could set up some kind of monitoring so you could watch and hear the others from another room while resting.

    dont forget to take pain killers etc with you.

    best luck
  14. Sacajawea

    Sacajawea slightly bedraggled

    Messages:
    50
    Likes:
    4
    Thank you!

    Thank you so much for the replies and wonderful advice! So much I hadn't considered so I'm glad I thought to ask! We are keeping things as simple as possible and delegating help. I won't be able to move the date due to friends/family coming in from far away, plus the hall has been rented already (and it is carpeted except for a small dancefloor, thankfully). But I have moments where I wish we would just elope, not in secret, though.

    We're looking at about 150 guests, so the ideas of people coming to me, no perfumes and hairsprays, sounds really good...did you put that as a side note in the invitations? My closest friends know all this, and I'm not the only one of my friends like this.

    My mom watches all those fancy wedding shows so she'd love to have it super decorated but understands I'm on a strict budget and just too practical to overdue things, even if my health were fine. I don't have that wedding gene but did want to have a celebration, especially since I have three kids (two teens and a 21 year old). My daughters are not thrilled about the upcoming date (too soon for them) so that's been stressful but they are slowly coming around, however my son is THRILLED that I found love again. He's always known a sick mom and resented me at times but when he spoke to my fiance a few months ago, my heart melted at how concerned he was about my health and how things will work out. No worries, as my guy is very wonderful...sees me for who I am but isn't afraid to deal with my challenges.

    This is a wonderful time for me but even good stress is hard on a person. I get confused looking at things online but I keep forgetting everyone wants to help.

    I'm not going with a bridal party either, that started getting overwhelming so hopefully my children will stand up there with us, and my dad will walk me down the isle. It's hard deciding what all to do so that it's not totally boring but this is my second wedding (married first time in ,89) so I don't feel the need for all of that. I'd love to get my girls some really nice dresses, rather than me. I can't wait to try on the one I found...it's not something I would have picked but it will suit me well, as long as it looks okay on me.

    The last party I attended was in March and I lasted three hours, but I was just a guest, not part of it in any way. The music was too loud and the place was too big, just getting to the bathroom was difficult...I do have trouble staying upright for long periods but it has improved since going back off sugar for nearly a year now, and also addressing a severe Vit D deficiency.

    I can't see the replies so thank you everyone, and any more input, bring it on.
  15. L'engle

    L'engle moderate ME

    Messages:
    941
    Likes:
    405
    Canada
    "The Bride wore Faux Ugg Boots" Love it!
    Calathea likes this.
  16. Calathea

    Calathea Darkness therapy

    Messages:
    1,083
    Likes:
    527
    Scotland
    The Bride's Not-Quite-Daughter-In-Law Was Fervently Wishing She'd Brought Her Faux Ugg Boots, to be precise.
    L'engle likes this.
  17. L'engle

    L'engle moderate ME

    Messages:
    941
    Likes:
    405
    Canada
    Yup! Was extrapolating to a future in which people take your advice and get married in Faux Uggs :) I shouldn't have used past tense grammar construction. :)
  18. allyann

    allyann Senior Member

    Messages:
    241
    Likes:
    156
    Melbourne Australia
    I organized my wedding in three months last year. Here are my tips:

    * do as much online as possible. I found an online quoting service so was able to put out my requirements for a photographer and caterer. They came back to me with quotes. I also found a hire place online which provided the marque and decorations which the put up.
    * Organize rest times during the day. I had a rest after the hairdressers, ceremony and the part way through the reception. I did have the advantage of having the reception in our back yard.
    * Don't get stressed about keeping people waiting while you rest. It's your husbands and your day and you need to enjoy it.
    * let people help wherever they can.
    * make sure you have as little as possible to do the day before so you can rest up as much as possible.
    * keep stress to a minimum. No day is perfect so just go with the flow.

    Hope this helps.

    Congratulations, I hope your day is beautiful and full of fun and that your years ahead are filled with love, joy and happiness

    Allie


    Sent from my iPod touch using Tapatalk
    L'engle likes this.
  19. Sacajawea

    Sacajawea slightly bedraggled

    Messages:
    50
    Likes:
    4
    hi all...I have intended to go through these threads but after two weeks of dental work, I'm still a wreck.

    I found my wedding invites on etsy...my mom thinks they are too pricey but it's all put together so I like that. I have trouble doing too much online these days.
    Fortunately, my fiance's good friend has a catering business and her GIFT to us is to cater, we just provide the meat. She's also taking care of the cake and rsvp cards so that's great.

    I can only wear shoes w/ no back (due to an unrelated genetic disorder) so the only shoes I wear are slip ons, and they have to be a certain type. I have three pairs of shoes, none appropriate for a dress. I did find some 'slippers' that are supposed to be for indoor use only but have good support so I'm going to order them from Zappos.

    A reception in the backyard sounds great, but outdoors seemed too risky where I live. I'm trying my best not to stress out over anything, just enjoying being in love. I have a tight budget so this can't get too fancy!

    I appreciate all the hints and suggestions...and glad to see it's helping others as well. I can't figure out how to see all the posts when I reply so forgive me for not remembering much.




    L'engle likes this.
  20. Calathea

    Calathea Darkness therapy

    Messages:
    1,083
    Likes:
    527
    Scotland
    Do you know how to use tabs in a browser? If so, try opening the thread in two tabs at once. You use one tab for replying, and the other tab is for looking through the thread so that you can see what you're replying to. Took me a while to figure that out!
    L'engle likes this.

See more popular forum discussions.

Share This Page