Oerganix, I thought I'd just go ahead and start another thread, not sure if this topic is going elsewhere. I read some books by Hank Wesselman and started using his drumming CD for meditation. Drumming really is helpful for tuning in. At least for me it is. I tend to drift into sleep or get distracted by stupid stuff. The books were about his experience with "journeying". Reading about his journeys helped in some way to facilitate my own. For years I got nowhere with meditation and now it comes easily, with or without the cd. I don't hear anything (but drumming in the background) but I see things. I don't always know what it means. You mentioned that you think this illness may have something to do with some lessons. I see it a little differently. I don't see this life as a series of lessons, I see it as a series of experiences. I also believe we choose our experiences on some level. We can either be actively choosing what we experience or sitting back and letting life happen to us. I think for a long time I just let life happen, come what may. I certainly didn't consciously choose "sick". But on some level, I must have let it happen by the choices I made, be that actual conscious choices or not paying attention and letting stuff happen. I believe in our ability to create our own reality, our experiences, both personally and globally. Which doesn't say much for some of our choices. Actually, globally, I think it says it's time we start paying attention and choose a different tomorrow. Stop letting it just happen and participate. Personally, I had to accept that I create my world and take responsibility for it. That wasn't easy. I really wanted to blame somebody else for it. Still do. While I still think somebody unleashed something on us, I have to accept a part of the responsibility for allowing it. Then choose differently, every day.