A while ago, I wrote about troubles with IVIG or at the time, Hizentra. Briefly, I was diagnosed with CVID back in the fall and low igG and low igA. Before I started the treatment, I was quite sick. That's why I pursued it. However, after being on 5 months of treatment, I am much much sicker. I want this documented because from what I can see, many are too scared to come out and share how they may have the same experience for fear of being a Debbie Downer. I wrote about this on the CVID board on FB and many could relate, but interestingly, many felt the need to private message me instead saying that they didn't want people to shun them for reporting such adverse experiences to IVIG or SubQ of gammglobulin. No one should feel that way and more importantly, no one should try to make them feel that way. If you have a good experience that is great, but there are many who don't and that doesn't mean we are negative people. The first 2 times I did Gammaguard IVIG, I was fine. The 3rd and 4th sent me into explosive pain. The pain was so bad after the 3rd infusion, I had to go on prednisone. For 4 days. That's not normal or right. I also had a rash that went nuts. Turns out though, that I also had a case of walking pneumonia which probably was aggravated by the IVIG. That is supposed to be the case. IF you have an infection, you will get worse with IVIG. However, my doctor did not regard my symptoms bad enough, even if I called him 2 times in one week with a fever. An immunologist who is against giving antibiotics. WTF. Anyway, with my lymphocytes being low, my WBC's, being high...he pretty much dismissed it. After the one I had last week, I felt fine for a few days, but since then have broken out in an all over body rash that looks like little pimples and my eczema went nuts. Also, I have warts now on my left hand and last night a whole toe nail fell off. I didn't even know until I found it on the rug in my living room. My skin has zero color in it, except it's not white, but a sallow color. I went to the immunologist and he said he had no idea what is going on. I suggested subQ, but I have zero desire to try anything at this point. This is too much and my body is clearly not handling it. My heart is flying and my blood pressure is very high also. Interestingly enough, the day I had the IVIG, my blood pressure sky rocketed 2 times and they finally had to stop it. By the end of the IVIG, my throat was closing and a cough came on. And, I can't sleep. Nope. Or, when I do, I get up at 1 pm the next day. Crazy. Most people with CVID ask me if I am taking benadryl, tylenol and the normal meds that you take for this. YES. And, I am floating in water from drinking so much. That is the protocol you are supposed to follow while doing this. Clearly, I am much more ill than many with CVID. I don't think my liver and my kidney's can handle it. As always, I am not your typical case and couple that with adrenal burnout of exhaustion and you have a failure indeed. My bed is my best friend right now, which is not like me. Everything aches and I am itching to death. I am popping antihistamines like PEZ. I clearly have an immune disorder. Low igA causes all kinds of problems. GI distress, food allergies, etc. And I have developed them over the years. I used to be able to eat pizza all of the time. Now, every single food item that makes up pizza makes me deathly ill. Milk gives me absolute full on diarrhea in minutes. I used to eat BOWLS of ice cream. Where do I fit in? Nowhere. Many with CFS have allergies, but not many have them like I do. Minerals, pills, meds, foods, everything is a possible danger to my system. The methylation protocol, I could do it back in 2007, but now now! I went to an acupuncturist today who said, "It must be a protein in the IVIG. But from looking at your tongue, you have kidney deficiency." And, of course, she can cure me! Yes, she will get me well. I sit there and think..gosh, I am so negative because I think that is hogwash. 25 years...no cure my friend. The body has broken down significantly because no one knows what is up with my body. Point blank. So, because no one can figure it out...it seems a little too late now. When ever anyone finds something, they always think they can CURE me. The IVIG will CURE you. Yes, that's what I was told. From my first immuno and then from her office manager who was reporting these awesomely wonderful responses of folks. I was careful to not get my hopes up as I know I am not the usual person. And I am going to say this and some will think, gosh, how morose; the only hope I have, is that CVID and an immune disorder in general can cause cancer, but especially CVID. Lymphoma. May it happen, God. Please. End it. Enough. Enough with the treatments and the never ending expense and the surviving but not living. May I go on to the next life. Bring it. Or, if there is no next life, may there be an end to the pain, the rash, the feeling misunderstood; all of it. And for those who judge me for that last line; I am sorry you feel that way. I am glad you are better. But, I am not. And it's okay to say, I want this to end. Whether that means that I want to get WELL, or better so that there is a bearable existence, or I want this to just end. Let it be. It's being real, it's being honest and it's saying....enough is enough. I don't want to just survive. I want to thrive. I dream of dancing, traveling and a life. A life with love, no pain or less pain and an existence that is full of vitality. Not this.