I'm really sad about this and even if you don't have advice it would be nice to get replies. I am really sad that I am not able to be a half decent friend to anyone. I just can't cope with it and I don't want to be alone and am grateful for the company but it always seems to drain me more than it helps. A minor example is that if a friend came over and looks hot, then I want to offer them a drink with ice, but it honestly hurts my body just to get a cup and pour the drink and everything. And yes some friends will understand that it's hard for me, and they will tell me it's not problem for them to just get the cup and everything, if I tell them which cup and where. Unfortunately it also tires me out trying to explain where to get the cup and sometimes it's quicker for me to just get it. So my body suffers later on for getting it. I also can't help it, and even though they say it's okay, sometimes I can tell they would prefer me to do it, or it would have a better result, or I just want to do it. Same with talking with the friend, I usually muster up more energy and I smile and nod and gesture, but later I am so exhausted. I got some good from being with them, and they enjoyed it too, but it's just too hard for me, and it's all because of this disease. Even when they are really understanding it's just, I don't know, I am ashamed too, and I don't know how to laugh at everything. I am sort of ashamed to try to explain that it's a big deal just doing little things like if they wanted me to go outside with them for a few minutes or go into a store. I have sensitivities and stuff. Also people might understand a lot but they don't understand completely. Or they understand it logically but they are still a little hurt. Like if I forgot something about them because I am having brain fog and memory issues, that could hurt, and I could apologize and they accept it, but it's still bad and I feel so bad about it. I am not good at dealing with any negative feelings and friends often want me to listen to their stressful problems, but I get so highly bothered and stressed by certain things. Sometimes I can handle it at the time and be supportive but I feel like it comes back to me as nightmares or insomnia or general worry. Also with friends it's one thing and in dating it's even worse. I want to hug the person and cuddle for example but some positions hurt my back, and I just don't know how to cope. If I don't go ahead and hurt my back, then I feel this big mental struggle because I WANT to hug them so badly. It is like I'm starving and having food right in front of me if I could only reach out and take it, but I am supposed to have more self control and not eat it, since I know the food will cause me a bad stomach ache later. Well it's hard to think about after-effects when you are having a need right now. Also my brain fog makes it so I can't think all the time to pick positions that won't hurt me as much and stuff like that. I know there are other points I wanted to make, but I don't remember. I am just really upset by it being a Catch-22 where I am going to hurt no matter what. It hurts to be alone but it hurts to be around people who don't understand and give me funny looks or make a joke about it. I try to make jokes about it sometimes too and apologize but no matter what, it's just not enough. People obviously don't get how seriously bad I can feel from stress and how I am confused and feel trapped. Part of why it's all very hard for me too is I have been sick since I was very young and my parents never acknowledge my illness and I don't know what it's like to have real acceptance or caring very much. Some people have cared about me and were kind to me but it has damaged me a lot socially and with accepting myself. It's common for undiagnosed people to start getting low self esteem, and I am no exception. I also think highly of myself for various reasons but think that the illness destroys most of what's good about me. People can still see goodness in me and care for me, but I know they are also seeing so much bad, and it's painful for me.