A couple of things keep cropping up for me as I peruse some of the threads here... I wonder if anyone else experiences the conflicts that arise for me when trying to maintain a perspective on this extended visa to Bedland. One thing that bothers me a lot is that, especially in my crashy phases, I cannot even imagine what my healthy life will be like. It's like I won't dare to even have a fantasy of a better life, because from here it does not seem possible...from here so many dreams, desires, or even simple expectations have been crushed, so relentlessly and repeatedly, that I don't dare imagine a future self that can work, dance, play, scuba dive, travel etc. Of course on my good days, I will start planning activities, trips, projects that I've been unable to even imagine from Bedland. But before I know it, my GoodDays energy has been spent on boring catch-ups with laundry and dirty dishes, and Bam! Crashed again. It seems to partly have to do with the conundrum of sorting out what my genuine limitations at this point really are (which of course shift continuously with the vicissitudes of this illness) and what limitations are somehow self-imposed through fear or despair or conditioning. It's a question of sorting out the difference between surrender and capitulation, and that never seems clear. Which aspects of my current situation do I gracefully accept? Which do I shake my fist at and rail against? Upon which limitations do I base my fantasy-future; because to dream of a future without them seems like an express ticket to disappointment. The main thing here is, I have to plan my life, practically speaking--How much rent can I afford with no income? Which treatments will I go for? Will I ever be able to earn money again? All these very real, urgent issues require some sort of projection into the future, and if I based that projection on how I feel now.....the future is bleak. So many of the simple plans I make, like spending a day with friends, or even going to the grocery store, get foiled by the waves of illness. So how do I plan for the future? Do I go with the most debilitated and plan from there? No! I refuse! But to pretend I'm just fine, or will be tomorrow or next month or next year, just seems dishonest and a little bit foolish. It's similar to the problem I've always had with "Affirmation" type approaches. It's my feeling the subconscious has to at least partway find truth in what you're affirming. To look in the mirror and say "I have abundant wealth" when you are in overdraft at the bank is basically just telling yourself a lie. But I see the benefit in looking at the health that is there, looking at what is working, and good, and pleasant in all this, and I do it regularly. I see no point in lying to myself, though, and it is very difficult to tease out what really is (or will be) true and what isn't. Does any one else go through this? Those of you who work with visualizations--are you easily able to foresee a brighter, stronger healthier life? Is that vision colored by your current limitations or is it no-holds-barred? Are there those who can maintain the balance between surrender and capitulation? Crikey, this got long. Sorry.