Well, after that awful vacation from hell and then problems with my apartment...if you recall, I wanted to move. I started looking, I started having panic attacks, I started becoming really sick. Many said on here that they thought I was grieving and that I shouldn't do anything. No impulsive decisions. I didn't. But, then I got a letter of eviction from my apartment complex because I didn't pay a full months rent due to the damage that was done to my apartment and the fact that I had to hire cleaners to come and clean the mess up in my apartment, which I had paid for out of my pocket. That was something I dealt with this week. That. The eviction, the staying, them not kicking me out. They made a mistake in sending it. Now, I am super sick. I can't function too well. All of the stress has taken me down completely. I cant' even make up my mind about simple things. I want to swallow salt or some quick fix for the adrenals. What fix is there for adrenals? I have pondered that before. Nothing has worked or it overstimulates them. I am exhausted and I feel like a crazy person. I am constantly thinking something bad might happen to me. I am waiting for the other shoe to drop. I can't sleep or I can't get up. I am exhausted. I feel so lonely and yet I need the solace. Everything is a dichotomy. Nothing and I mean nothing is making me happy. I am too bone tired to be happy. Last night I went to a concert because it was a planned affair I had to attend and I slept all day to ready myself for it. Today, I am in horrible pain and I hardly slept afterwards. The show was great, but that deep energy in your bones wasn't there. It was adrenaline energy that carried me through. That's all I have. I am so depressed. I mean depressed. I don't want to do anything, but again that is fatigue and I am just too unwell to want to talk about "bullshit." I want to talk about how awful I feel. The "me" of a few months ago is gone, but I was struggling then too. I went to a new therapist the other day who told me, "you need to accept your illness." Well, guess what? I don't think that will ever happen. My illness is constantly changing. I am diagnosed with a new illness all of the time. This year it is chronic discogenic disease, on top of the CFS, IC and Fibromyalgia. There was a time I could date, go out, work a lot, have sex, and it wasn't that long ago and you bet, I am still grieving. BIG TIME. I feel like an old woman. I used to dance. I used to get jazzed up and put makeup on everyday. Those days are gone, starting only a few years ago. I am grappling with this new me. This exhausted, I can't sleep or if I do, I can't wake up self. I have no confidence anymore. Who am I? And why does no one really get my situation? Why do I always feel like I am having to explain myself? This lawyer asked me the other day, "Well, you sound so articulate to be on Medicare?" So, if you are on Medicare, does that mean you are supposed to be stupid? What kind of response, or question is that and why do "we" have to hear this everyday by some dumb idiot? I know I shouldn't feel this way, but I feel crisped. Like that is it. My life is over. Again, the fatigue, the listless feelings, the PTSD. Yesterday I had a dream about my ex boyfriend of years ago. It was so real. He was the one true love in my life. He met me before I got sick. We were together 2 years before I was sick and then 5 years after that. He couldn't handle my illness. I loved him more than I have ever loved anyone. I broke it off because I knew we weren't going to make it. He still thinks of me and I still think of him. Anyway, I miss those days and that relationship. I could sleep next to him. I didn't have IC then. I didn't have fibromyalgia then. CFS, which was plenty. He knew me and spent everyday with me, sick or not. I feel like he was it. He was the last. He was the only person who will know me and who I will love like that. He knew me. He was quiet. My mom is the other person, but she has dementia and is slipping. I am sad. I don't want to die alone. This illness keeps me alone. It keeps me in pain and feeling exhausted. I don't know who I am anymore. I don't feel that core personality because it's floating in fatigue and exhaustion.