Discussion in 'Lifestyle Management' started by Christopher, Nov 15, 2009.
Awsome post Ross, thanks for sharing. . .
Thanks, Jen, for the NYTimes link re: man who stepped beyond his limits and connected to another...so touching. Just watched "March of the Penguins" a second time this week. The narrator says its about surviving, and most of all, the power of love. Another nite of the Empire State building in blue and white lites for Channukah; another reminder of reason to celebrate light. Good day/nite. SueC.
I was in a relationship for 7 years while being sick. But, he knew me before I was sick. That ended back in 1994. I have not had a successful relationship since. I am like Michelle above. I had good days and bad days. I could sleep all day and be ok for nighttime. I have had dating experiences but nothing like that 7 year relationship.
I actually ended a relationship with someone 5 months ago who I dated for 8 months. IT was a real eye opener. He was needy and wanted to "help" me with being sick. He tried controlling me. It took the life out of me. Like Michelle said, I feel that someone who is with someone who is quite ill has to have some issues or needs. They like that we are vulnerable. I am not saying everyone is like that, but there is something about being with someone so sick. I couldn't do it.
I honestly wouldn't want to date anyone sick. It's my own personal hang up. After seeing what I go through, do I really want to witness someone else who is so ill? I have a hard enough time dealing with my situation. I am an attractive girl who likes like the picture of health. I have been sick for 20 years. There are days where I can't even talk because I am so tired. How am I supposed to date if I can't talk. Everybody needs to talk. Sometimes I seem emotionless due to the fatigue. Plus, I have no sex drive...so, what's the point.
The whole thing is so depressing and honestly out of anything I have ever gone through in the 21 years I have been ill, this is the worst thing to face. The fact that I may end up alone. That I will have no one to hold me or tell me it's ok. It's an awful feeling. We all deserve love.
I broke up with the last guy. He was needy and sucking the life out of me. That relationship caused me to become so ill. I worry because almost every relationship has impacted my health so negatively. I am sorry to sound like such a downer. I am responding to your post because I am going through the same thing and wondering the same thing.
How can I work and have a relationship?? Something has to give and right now work is more important and stress which =a relationship is just not in the cards.
I believe everyone withCFS deserves to date if they feel physically and emotionally able. It's really tricky though. Do you just date others with a similar illness who understands and in doing so alleveiate your own guilt of being a sick companion. It's horrible to feel limited in that way but for some it's the only way to feel comfortable with someone.
I am luck enough to have been married for 15 years to someone without CFS. My wife does have signicant depression so we can find understanding and relate to having an invisible illness. I have found this to be imprtant in our being understanding of one another. I don't think I could have married a bundle of sunshine and energy. It obviosly never would have worked. At least for me.
I do think it's really important to be upfront about having CFS and what that means earlier rather than latter in dating someone. I told my wife pretty early on in our dating what CFS was and how it might limit me as a wage earner and as a companiion. She accepted this and I fealt a huge burden lifted.
Anyway I wish you luck dating. It's never easy without CFS and this illness just makes it that much tuffer to meet and get to know someone. Good luck my man.
Dating Site for Singles with Health Conditions
Dating Site for Singles with Health Conditions
looks interesting, but when I tried to explore the site a norten security warning came up.....it may just be bc it is a new site and they don't have info on it yet, but it was enough of a concern for me to immediately leave the site
I misread this thread title as: Dating Site for Singles and Healthy Controls.
for me, the impact of this illness on relationships (dating and otherwsie) is the worst part of it......I have always needed SOME time to myself, but I have also always needed human interaction, and as far back as I can remember the number one thing I have always wanted was to have a family of my own
well, considering that I am going to be 38 on the 26th of this month, and considering that if I get any sicker I will not be able to live on my own, bc I am barely managing to get the most basic things done now, there is really no way that dream is going to happen, barring a major miracle
at this point, as much as I miss having someone special in my life, there is just no way that I could manage a dating relationship....and if I were to try, it really would not be fair to him, bc he would wind up either being more of a caretaker than partner, or he would wind up being almsot on his own all the time bc I wouldn't be able to actually do anythign with him
situaiton really sucks, and it scares me bc if I do get any worse I really have no idea how i will manage, but about the only way dating could work at this point is if I saw him one evening for an hour or so, every other week, at best, and could cancel at the last minute if needed.....and if at the saem tiem I had someone else who could take care of my grocery shopping, cleaning, laundry, etc, so that the energy taken up by those things was still available for dating
Dating outside the house is impossible if you can't get out. I once dated someone inside a house for 4 years, so if you can find a friend who wants to live in your house - then bingo.
I must say it is quite wonderful to have someone who realises why you have symptoms, and tolerates them - mainly as they are trapped too. Dating if badly affected it a bit like
living in a luxury prison. Neither of you can get out, so you just 'exist' together.
Looking back to my attempt at having a girlfriend - the highlight of my day together was picking out my lady some sparkly shoes on the web, telling sarcastic jokes or having a bowel movement.
XMRV Dating is going to be even worse than just saying ME or CFS to someone who asks tentatively why you don't work or wear clothes from the Cretaceous period (maybe that's just me).
I'm dreaming of a Phoenix Rising Dating site and we can all chip in with 20 bucks a month to find our dream dates from all around the world. I'm sure everyone on here has been chased around the internet by prospective buyers of 'us' only to wait for that 'drop a clanger' moment of: So what do you do at weekends? Or...... What sports to you do, you are fit and healthy, arent' you? My last boyfriend/girlfriend just say on the couch all day..... sort of thing....
Wouldn't it be cool to have people asking about you, who like you, who actually no all about your disease first? No stress and no worries. Everyone knows we are really sick, and they are sick too - so we accept them and they accept us. There must be lots of people on here who are single, who are so lonely and need someone of the opposite or same sex - and can't 'get' them because we don't know about each other!!!!
Can't see any other possible way that people who are often house bound can interact with 'healthy people' other than a dating site on here.
What a smashing thread.
Hardly getting out of the house does throw a spanner in the works, even if you were looking on the web. How do you meet up?
Even without a separate dating area, this could be as good a place as any to meet up.
so, in that vein.......
I'm a male, looking for a female.
feel free to PM me.
I was going to do a pros and cons list thingy, but top of the cons list is not giving too much away online, so I didn't.
So, Im getting more and more chicken to get out and meet men. In the beginning, since no one knew what was going on, I just told guys I get tired real easy and they tried to help me.
But now that I might have an infectious illness....what now?
How do you hook up with other people for the above....any good internet dating sights for sick people? I just hadnt planned on being alone the rest of my life. Ive created a pretty good managable life on my own, without anyones help, but do I really want to be a lonely single female in her own apt, for however long..
Im contemplating choices. Can I overcome fears? Do I have enough energy to put into a relationship. I dont HAVE to be in one. I used to get so scared I NEEDED a man, but now Im okay on my own, but it's not fulfilling. I have more to give than a tired bod.
Wanted to put that out there and see how others are dealing with this. Many women I meet in my local support group are married and have been for years.
But how to break into the dating world now? I used to put myself out there a few years back, and the single scene isnt easy even if you are healthy.
Hmmmmm....any sites people know of??? I hate internet dating, it's so backwards, but maybe it's best to be with someone else with CFS too.
There's a yahoo group for cfs singles.
Spent all day on there....made contact with the creator. Problem is, people dont fill out their profile, so you dont know where they are from, what age, or what they look like. And many have their profiles on private.....so it's not an efficient site at all. But thanks for the suggestion, Andrew.
DMarie- Have you tried the regular sites with mention that you have a health condition? Heck, people with herpes mention it liberally now with the hope to meet their soulmate. See what you get. You may have to mention what your health condition is at the first e-mail- Personnally I'd wait and see if saliva is contagious. Kissing is usually one of the nice things to do in a relationship...
The other idea would be mentioning that you'd like to date "casually" first- And in my opinion casually means going out on dates, dinner, movies, whatever you can handle. Some dating services organizes "dinner for 8" 4 men and 4 women, matched by ages- and you get to know one another that way. Speed dating- Done that once. Oh dear god !!! Talk about a sale pitch!!! :Sign giggle:
How about asking your married friends to match you with husband's friends?
The best way I've met people is through common activities. And now, I am limited to my apartment and the grocery store and I usually don't flirt with a head of lettuce :tongue:
Dating is certainly tricky in these times, especially when transmission is uncertain and health is not the best. I have hope though that when treatment starts and people starts feeling better, there will be more energy to invest into social life and meeting the one.
Wish you the best. The best approach is not to be too desperate because guys feel that 100 meters away! Be cool, tell it like it is and have fun.
:Green hat:well there are a lot of interesting, smart, funny ppl on this website and they all understand our illness...maybe this site can have a singles looking for (whatever you're looking for) section.
You might be interested in checking out a thread that was active in December called Dating.
I totally get this. I am tired of being alone and yet I feel like I can't date. The last relationship I was in, 7 months ago, almost killed me due to the explaining, his needs and negotiating. It's not worth it. I want a relationship, but there are so many things I can't do. Guys love cuddling in the morning...I hate it. I am not awake and it's my worst time. I am wide awake when they are asleep.
I don't know what to do about this. I want a companion and I do have things to offer. I just can't have a full time situation. I want what Kati said, something casual. But, when i have gone on the sites, the guys move in fast....I get overwhelmed easily and the whole process becomes so stressful.
I also am not sure about dating someone who has a disability. This sounds like discrimination, but I don't want to date someone who is really sick...the irony. I don't know.
I have been wondering what to do about this. A dating site on here would be great...it would probably all be long distance though. That's not always good either. Match.com, all of those sites....the guys see my blonde hair and blue eyes and move in and get angry if I don't get back to them. And honestly, I don't want to advertise that I have an illness. I want to tell them up front, but not for all to read.
re regular dating sites.....personally I would not have a problem with telling people that I have a disability - would rather them know rt off....however, most of those sites have all sorts of multiple choice types of things that ask you to mark interests, etc & there is no way to say, well I have a ton of interests, but most of the time I cannot do them
so if I mark all the things I am truly interested in it is very misleading - like I am actually actively doing most of them.....but if I don't mark them, then there is almost nothing left to mark and it looks like I am not interested in things that I really am (just can only do very rarely)
Yes. I like to ski, walk, dance, eat out, travel around the world, sing in a band....when I am not disabled with CFS! So yeah, I get that; what do you write? A couple of years ago it was easier for me, but now I need to come out and say I am sick right away because there really is no hiding it. I want people to know, just not through the site. I want to get together with them to see if there is an attraction before I drop all of my "Hey, I am quite sick and not able to do much...do you want to hang out?" I want to draw them in first with something positive before I throw out there just how sick I am. At the same time..I am quite ill and really can't hang out like I did even 2 years ago. It's all so hard to know how to handle it.
Great post jenbooks!
You can also try a Google Site Search
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