Quilp interviews The Editor Sir Wayne Kerr of The Daily Times Newspaper, one of the most well respected fictional papers in the whole of modern civilisation Quilp : Sir Wayne Kerr I really would like to draw your attention to the recent Alter paper, that confirms an earlier association of M.E with a debilitating retrovirus. This is huge news but as yet nothing has made it into the main stream press here in the Uk. Are you aware that the embargo has been lifted ? My eyes followed Kerrs all the way from her head to her toes, as a bossom brunette fragrantly wafted into the room launching Kerr into a paralytic cacophony; like a teddy bear that had been wound up and left to wander freely; a meandering halted only by her smile, as she gently poured his coffee, her bossom breasts heaving themselves in a rhythmic oscillation only inches from his racing, clinking, spluttering, heart. She left the room and a silence ensued. He was fixed on nothing in particular but his head was slightly cocked and his grinning, fiendish, rubicund face threatened to crystallise his expression ad infinitum, before a spasm of unknown origin sparked his lifeless corpse into production once again. Quilp : Sorry Sir Kerr but time is of the essence, our blood supply is being contaminated as we speak. Millions of people around the world are in danger and they dont even know it. This is a medical urgency of the utmost importance. We should go into print right away, here I have some notes that might help Sir Wayne Kerr : Would you look at that little dolly, I wouldnt mind contaminating her. I wouldnt mind being in danger with that little philly. Look at those legs, thats what I call a health warning. Came from The Daily Mail you know, well built, a little controversial, right of centre, doesnt like foreigners. Shell go far, and let me tell you Quilt, I wouldnt mind going far with her Sir Wayne Kerr winked, nodded, winked again, closed his eyes, opened them again. Im not sure if he was trying to elicit a smile from myself, but I have M.E. I was already feeling spikey, and so I just stared at him; one of my stony faced M.E stares that nothing can shift; that total indifference to anything and everything. Instead I rolled my eyes, but he repaid the gesture without exacting a reply. I rolled them again, twice more and again before falling out of my chair. Sir Wayne Kerr : Ok Quilt, look, back to Antler, tell me more. Canadian is she ? Quilp : HE, and its ALTER, and Im Quilp Sir Wayne Kerr : Look Quilpy we are in the business of selling newspapers, but our remit extends beyond that of the bottom line. Oh I know that political machinations command a degree of diplomacy across a wide spectrum of our social strata, but we are fundamentally a paper of record, with exacting standards of the highest order. At the start of a speech suggestive of Churchillian proportions a young man, fresh from the rigours of puberty scurried by Kerrs window, cognisant of the fact that Kerr was inside, and anxious to move his legs as quickly as possible, sight unseen, his hunched figure moved with such alacrity as to mimic that of a static figure on a fast moving escalator. Sir Wayne Kerr : Peanuts !!! What about that Cameron story ! Kerr bellowed with such voracity that even after some ten minutes, the bossom brunettes bossom, perched no less than three corridors away refused to stop violently vibrating. Several production team members, a sub editor, three cleaners, a street vendor, ( seconded for the purpose ) pickled with an assortment of office pencils and rubbers, finally managed to subdue the two beauties in question. It would be remiss of me in not mentioning the fact that the said beauties in question had in fact exploded after the street vendor had tried to subdue the offending beauties by diving on top of her. Peanuts : Yes Sir Wayne Kerr esq, Sir, Master, Sir, I did, I mean I have, I mean I will. One of our easily corruptible gutter journalists, whilst scouring some rubbish bins and bribing a local window cleaner. Well, not exactly bribed as such, they had to beat him up Sir Wayne Kerr : Steady peanut, steady. Peanut : Sorry ( here peanut pinched something from his pocket, glared at it with an engaging intensity, then put it back ) we had to reorganise his posture as it were, and we didnt bribe him exactly, we furnished him with complimentary gifts commensurate with our charitable status and yes we found that he does indeed wear his wifes lingerie on a Wednesday. Sir Wayne Kerr : Capital young peanuts, capital. Well run along. You see Quilt that is what I am talking about. Without our roving reporters who would have known that our Prime Minister indulges in such salaciousness. Well run that story tomorrow, lets see what Barak Osama makes of that, not to mention that Russian bloke, Pukein Quilt old boy are you ok, you seem to have turned a generous shade of yellow. Is that Antlers doing ? Is she bribing you as well ? Would you like me to take out an injunction out on her ? Leave it to me, shell never work in this city ever again. He rolled a Cuban cigar under his nose and sat back into his chair, and contemplated all that was good in his world. An effusion of power seeped from every waking moment, every gesture of the hand, every scribe of his pen. He wrestled with notions of death and the beyond but only in private. He tried to bargain with time, treaded the tides of destiny but just now and again, and lately more now than again, a tsunami of inevitability washed over him and he would sink to his knees in a bumbling flood of tears. I couldnt help wondering how someone like this had become so important, have so much influence, become so detached from the ordinary man. He was devoid of any insight into human suffering having been raised above the reaches of such tentacles from a tender age. What would happen to him if he woke tomorrow with M.E. ? Like a pack of cards; like a pack of cards. Sir Wayne Kerr : Quilt, I am a Knight of The Realm, born into importance. My Father too was also a Sir Wayne Kerr, my grandad the same, and his dad also. Try as I might, try as I would to escape greatness in all its glory, what can one do ? I come from a long line of Wayne Kerrs. I am, always was, always will be, a first class Wayne Kerr. Quilp : Millions of people out there are suffering from a serious, debilitating lifelong illness, that is destroying our lives. Nobody will listen, nobody in the Uk will help us. I am riddled with pain, I cannot work, I just feel like ending it all, because I just cant take it anymore. If I have to, I will beg you. Please tell the world what is happening, let them make up their own minds, let them, the people, be the ones who decide. Sir Wayne Kerr stroked his whiskers, perused the contents of his desk, sat back and stared at his achievements adorning every square inch of every square wall, in every square way. After Eton followed a first at Harvard, Cambridge, Oxford, Yale, back to Oxford. A PHD in abstract nothingness from Cal Tech, and an Editor of the Year award from family and friends. Sir Wayne Kerr Bsc, Wtf, Xmrv, TIT.. having exhausted the English alphabet numbers soon followed. His peers described him as the most intelligent man they had ever known, though it has to be said that that particular appellation was afforded to each and every one of them..by each and every one of them. It was said that Sir Wayne Kerr was so important that were he to die, the earth would tilt on its axis towards the sun because his life needed to be celebrated in brilliant sunlight like the northern star that he was ( actually he was afraid of the dark ) I had a real concern that Kerr was about to fall asleep, but just then a change in his countenance, like a Phoenix Rising, ( only not as Rising as ours :Retro smile: ) a smile stretched across his face like a shaft of light filtering through the clouds, compassionate cherubs adorning his ageing features, angels dancing, music playing, he stood, nodding his head with such solemnity, such reverance, that I felt compelled to stand too, my soul at one with his, my life in his hands, this was it, I had climbed the mountain. Sir Wayne Kerr : Paracetamol ?