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Chronic fatigue and masculinity

Skippa

Anti-BS
Messages
841
A super king bed with memory topper has saved us here, 'cos you can't feel a single ripple across the waves.

I need a map and compass though to traverse the seas and journey over for some rumpy pumpy. But I don't, 'cos I'd like to be able to walk the next couple of days. *sigh*

Hey I used think I was like Russell Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall all over the room in all sorts of positions, but the problem now is, whatever position you choose, you gotta tense those quads when you get near the moment, and PEM is always waiting...
 

msf

Senior Member
Messages
3,650
I don't think you need a complicated excuse for sleeping in a different room. It's actually gaining popularity. Or rather regaining popularity, since it used to be more of the norm. A good recent article on it is https://www.yahoo.com/news/6-reasons-why-boyfriend-love-150000870.html

My fiance and I have been in different bedrooms for most of my illness (5 years). Mostly because I can't stay up nearly as late as he does, and I sleep too lightly so every snore is a problem. And I really need 8-10 hours of quality sleep to be at all functional the next day. We can still cuddle on the couch, or even spend time lounging in bed together before I go to sleep. So sleeping all night in the same bed really doesn't have to have much to do with emotional or physical intimacy.

Cool. So in classifieds I should put that I´m hoping to find a woman who doesn´t want to sleep with me?
 
Cool. So in classifieds I should put that I´m hoping to find a woman who doesn´t want to sleep with me?
Both my wife and I would very much prefer that I'm able to go to sleep and then wake up in the same bed the next morning but we have had to accept that I can suffer from periods of sleeping lightly, she does tend to wriggle about in her sleep, as well as bouts of insomnia. So, on the occasions when I am woken or wake early, I will go to the spare room and grab what sleep I can get there - disappointing for both of us but better for our relationship than me getting less sleep than I might do.
 
Messages
4
Thanks for your replies everyone. For now I've changed the title to this thread - let's see if there's an appetite for ongoing discussion for this, and maybe it could be turned into a sticky thread if there's ongoing appetite (and if that kind of thing is done on this forum).

For me personally, having chronic fatigue affects my sense of masculinity in the following ways:

- Less of a provider: I feel I can't fulfil the traditional role of 'provider' very well, as I currently can't work full-time and my career trajectory and therefore salary has also stagnated.
- Less physically fit, strong and active: Have basically stopped all exercise, am in poor physical shape in terms of athleticism and strength, and my body looks very unimpressive and unmasculine
- Less confident and authoritative: Because of how I feel physically and cognitively, and how that can get me down psychologically, I just feel much less confident in myself - I feel comparatively more meek and self-conscious and unsure of myself
- Less good in bed: Can't be as physical, dominant and confident, and can't last very long without a break (in terms of the physical exertion of sex, not ejaculation)

There are probably some other things but those are the key themes. I guess my questions are:

1) Do other men feel similarly?
2) If so, have you found ways to cope with and/or mitigate these things, e.g. by finding a different sense of masculinity?
3) Ladies - any advice from a woman's perspecitve on how we can cope or mitigate these things?
 
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4
After a rip-roaring start, seems this thread has immediately shut down!

In an effort to see if it's worth reviving - has anyone found effective ways of mitigating CFS' effect on sense of masculinitty? Someone mentioned mindfulness - any other successful approaches?
 

eastcoast12

Senior Member
Messages
136
Location
Long Island ny
Think of it this way: you can still last about 13 min longer than someone who suffers from premature ejaculation (not making fun of this disorder, just pointing out that there is always someone worse off than you).
You know what they say about premature ejaculation. Men don't suffer from it the women do. Waka waka waka
 

panckage

Senior Member
Messages
777
Location
Vancouver, BC
Fozzie-Bear-8.png
 

wastwater

Senior Member
Messages
1,270
Location
uk
Buy a tool kit and put up a shelf that'll make you feel more manly :)
 
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Messages
18
I dont feel anywhere near as manly as I did before I got sick. Before I had a job, worked out, was in great shape, had lots of energy etc..

Now I go around fatigued 24/7 and dont really feel like talking much, I lost much of my muscle mass, lost confidence and cant work anymore

Not having a job is detrimental for a man I think. We need goals, and purpose in life.
 

Hugo

Senior Member
Messages
230
I dont feel anywhere near as manly as I did before I got sick. Before I had a job, worked out, was in great shape, had lots of energy etc..

Now I go around fatigued 24/7 and dont really feel like talking much, I lost much of my muscle mass, lost confidence and cant work anymore

Not having a job is detrimental for a man I think. We need goals, and purpose in life.

Yes, woman need that to but it may be more of a masculine trait. Its terrible not beeing able to work, thats the worst with this crazy shitstorm of an illness. I write a lot to handle that. But I will work again soon cause I wont be able to miss that part of life, I just have to find a way somehow.
 
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4
Without working, how do you both get by financially?

And have you found any other ways of mitigating that loss of manliness?
 
Messages
24
Most definitely my masculinity is affected. In fact I believe my lack of masculinity from as far back as I can remember is a big part of how I ended up like this. And yes I'd join your forum
 

nsdn

Senior Member
Messages
183
After a rip-roaring start, seems this thread has immediately shut down!

In an effort to see if it's worth reviving - has anyone found effective ways of mitigating CFS' effect on sense of masculinitty? Someone mentioned mindfulness - any other successful approaches?

Tadalafil.
 
Messages
24
Testosterone therapy? I've wondered about that but don't want to be addicted to any 'unnatural' state
 

EtherSpin

Senior Member
Messages
257
Location
Melbourne , Australia
masculinity was one of the prime hinderances to my initial diagnosis *along* with the masculinity (or sense thereof) on the part of my not so great Doctor at the time ( early 30s , sport fanatic)

I investigated all the sleep stuff, looked into my pain as a separate issue to fatigue, looked into cognitive fog separately, in the end, after a neurologist that this Doctor referred me to tried to wink wink at the doc via the back and forth of referral letters and also after the neuro refused to look for small fibre neuropathy (via glandular fever as a kid making my skin forever heat reactive thereafter) I took referral to a CFS interested doctor at a clinic for the condition exclusively.

I remember struggling to walk round my workplace with clammy forehead and underarms, chafing legs from the same , tremors in muscles as I did it and in between kinda screaming military orders at each leg to locomote me and at my mouth to force a smile at colleagues I would think "don't be something like that CFS, that sounds so incredibly lame'

i guess I wasnt wrong, it was lame, but i could have avoided 2 years with a fitness tracker cancelling all family and social activities and hobbies because i thought my fatigue could be wished away by taking on tasks at work that were strenuous and doing walks and frisbee or whatever i could on weekends
 

PracticingAcceptance

Senior Member
Messages
1,858
Have you guys heard of 'toxic masculinity'?

I'm not sure if this article will hit home with you: https://www.indy100.com/article/toxic-masculinity-viral-tweets-male-mental-health-8515101 (it's lots of tweets so it's easier reading than a proper article)

Toxic masculinity, as I understand it, is what we as a society think a man SHOULD be, regardless of what he actually is. Men are expected to not feel pain, to be angry rather than upset if something goes wrong, to always be assertive or even aggressive (but never passive), to be strong physically and mentally, to not need to talk about emotions, to make the first move when it comes to dating, to be a provider and defender of the family, to have good sperm and always want to have sex, etc... basically, everything you think a man (but not a woman) should be, that's probably toxic masculinity. They are unfair standards to hold yourselves to.

The truth is, everyone is different. And it is possible for men to feel pain, and it's utterly ridiculous that you've been raised to feel shame about expressing difficult emotions. This may be why men are more likely to kill themselves than women are - because men are much less likely to talk out their emotions.

You might be typically 'masculine' in some ways, and not in others. And that's ok. You are just as valuable as a human being as you would otherwise be.

If you google it, you might find stuff about the patriarchy and rape culture, and that's worth a read if you care about women. Otherwise, the concept of toxic masculinity is really worth looking into in regards to self esteem.
 
Messages
24
I just want the courage to physically defend myself and others if need be without fear I'll shortly collapse from my own preexisting weakness and maintain a decent erection for over three minutes lol. Not too much a minimum to expect out of this supposedly 'masculine' vehicle. The rest in this day and age isn't really so important.
 

ScottTriGuy

Stop the harm. Start the research and treatment.
Messages
1,402
Location
Toronto, Canada
...physically defend myself and others if need be without fear I'll shortly collapse...

Ditto.

I do not like feeling vulnerable.

Now in potentially violent situations - like at the dog park last week - I think "I only have about 1 minute of intense energy - how am I going take this guy down?"

Previously, I had a pathological tendency toward looking for fights, confident my strength and endurance would make up for my inability to control my mouth. I lost track of the number of times in my head I would be repeating 'don't say anything / don't go over to him', yet my mouth and feet paid no heed. It was like I was a bystander.

Now I can - usually - control my mouth. Its a learning process.