Sometimes I think this disease should be called "Rescheduling" disease because I'm always having to cancel anything I have planned to do. Over the years, I've canceled a million appointments, plans, things I was supposed to go out and do. I've missed so much time with family, friends, life. I've missed every family wedding and birth for the last twenty years. And birthdays and holidays. Today I was supposed to go with a friend to an annual thing. Really wanted to go. Can't. Can't even walk across the room today. I had to call and cancel and she sounded so disappointed. And I felt awful for canceling. But I can't go. I actually sat on the bed praying for energy today and it didn't work. It's just so frustrating. You want so badly to do something and you can't do it. Or you think you are well enough or will be and it doesn't happen. And not knowing day to day how you will be. I never know. I don't know if I'll have a good day, a bad day, or somewhere in between. Or there are days when I can be deadly ill in the morning and be okay at night. Or I can be feeling like I'm dying the entire night and then be okay to go out in the morning. I just never know. Last night, I was alot better than I am right now. Today I feel like death again. The unpredictability is horrible. It's life destroying. You can't make plans. You can't have friendships. You can't do anything. And healthy people don't understand at all. They think you can just push through it, and you can't. There's nothing to push with.