My sister says that I have to recognize I am a coward and that my problems would eventually dissapear if I get out and start doing things. She says I have "fear of adult life". She suggests start by going to a farm in the Canary Isles. I only like that idea because I would be doing kefir with raw milk! Other than that, she is actually a good sister who tries to support me as she can and a beautiful person, it is just that she is a nurse and doesnt believe in alternative health, so for her it is just psychological. My father have said that I am "pusillanimous", that I "lack balls" and that "you have a weak will". When I tell him that I sleep horribly he tells me that happens to everyone. I tell him I dont see everyone dragging their feet with a haggard face and not being able to live their lifes. On the other hand he is the "good cop" of the dad/mum duo. He is the one that buys me countless of supplements and therapies and is somewhat open to scientific explanations of adrenal fatigue and stuff but some days before I discover he is back to the programmed trance of the System and acts like only the official story (allopathy) is the legit one and my problems are not real. He watchs television a lot so is no surprise. My mother is the best. She is the one that started the trend of seeing me as a coward, and will maintain that in my face. She is a big fan of psychobabble and wants me "not to focus in my illness and be positive" She is the one that made me lose precious years going to professional psycho-babblists and is convinced that everything is mental and you can create your reality with thoughts. She will go hysteric when I tell her my problems, because I react to her denial of their seriousness repeating how I feel over and over again. All of them act like the numeorous tests I have run trough conventional doctors, endocrinologists, naturopaths and private labs that show plenty of problems and defficiencies are not a proof of anything, because the doctors available in this city will only run some basic panels that show nothing or very little problems (like high prolactin and very low free testosterone), problems that they dont understand anyway and let alone treat. Basically if they recognized urine and saliva tests as better tools for cortisol and thyroid there would be hope with them but they dont. I even recall one "famous" endo of my town that told me he "didnt know what DHEA was for" (I had it low in serum of course). He only knew that "some old men take it to reverse olding, but there was no science behind that belief". I stopped seeing my friends a long time ago but I know they would probably not understand it, although they arent the type of attacking you either. I recall one scene, when I was trying to study journalism that I looked for the dean to talk about my problems and why I couldnt assist as much as it was needed to pass. I remember explaining him how it felt like I had some sticky substance around my brain (brainfog) or a stone inside my forehead (headaches) and he said something very offensive, I cant remember exactly but it was something in the line of you are weak and a coward as always. I only remember I got quite angry with that feminine idiot that had a scarf, long hair,a corduroy jacket and colourful glasses emulating the aesthetic idea of a modern universitary dean or something. My little brother Manuel of 14 years old is the only one that makes me feel good in a way... Because everyone says he admires me, and they always said it like "God knows why but he admires you". And he always want to show me new things and ask for opinions... Maybe the only one that doesnt think I am a lazy fuck paralyzed by fear, but he is growing up now and I dont know... In university there also was a guy that admired me, because of my language and attitude. People also told me about how he commented my ideas and talk like quoting an author (yes they also added that they didnt know why he admired me so much). God, it felt good. All your life with low self-esteem, atractting people that reinforce that shit (like a girl that told me I was garbage and went with another guy while telling me "she needed some time" haha yes some time, and she came back again because the guy was a jerk, to briefly after leave me and in two weeks be with another guy) and when someone sees your value it just feels so good and healthy. How have been your near people? Judgemental or not?