Discussion in 'Spirituality and ME/CFS' started by CAcfs, Dec 8, 2011.
Yes but, don't you ever have the need to just..........GROWL?
Well, I think you got me there! After I made my post, I realized it may not have been in the spirit of this GROWLING thread. So to try to get a little more in tune with things here...
I went to a doctor visit a few years ago, and the nurse practitioner who I normally saw was not in. The doctor seeing her patients that day was the head of the clinic, and after take a few seconds to peruse my file, turned to me and asked me what I did for a living. After telling him I was unable to work, he launched into a "serious" lecture on how we all need to work to have self-respect. You know what? I growled at him! And looking back, I'm pretty proud of myself for having done so.
And I have to admit, that I I also growl on an almost daily basis as I deal with my difficulties, probably especially the cognitive stuff. When I walk to another room to get something, and then forget what I was going to get, and then go back to where I came from to try to remember, and then remember, and then go back to get it, and then forget again, and sometimes do it a third time..... yeah, I growl. And then there are the auditory, olfactory and MCS "assaults" I experience on a daily basis. And then throw in my almost complete loss of ability to organize, which keeps me from getting things done.....
So yeah, I do growl. And I NEED to growl, as I don't believe it's good to hang on to these emotions. But even as I growl every day, I also realize I need to center myself in whatever ways I can. I guess that was the balance I was trying to describe with my earlier post. Didn't want to distract for this therapeutic growling thread however.
So, to my fellow growlers. May we all have a great day!
A time to accept...a time to growl
a time for everything under the sun
A time to laugh...a time to howl
a time for everything under the sun
A time for peace... a time to be a game fowl
a time for everything under the sun
After yet another night of really crappy sleep, I am growling once again.
A picture is worth a thousand words.
OK, it is not a growl, but it is The Scream.
I am angry that I am facing the loss of my job, no real answers. Feel scared about future. My brain is so dysfunctional I dont even know how to verbally defend myself or figure out what steps I'm supppose to take .... this is a hard mean world when you dont feel well and have no explanation...
So sorry Roxie... I know what you mean about the mean world. It is not chronic illness friendly.
I feel for you. I was unemployed when I got CFS, but it certainly does not make the future look any brighter. I have gone through periods of fear and then release to some kind of acceptance. I think it requires some adjustment of perspective and it likely does not come all at once - kind of like falling down a stair case in slow motion. It is not fun.
Am starting to think the world is a chronic illness.
I think man in general 'is' the world's chronic illness. I think we are all a virus on the world and man is self correcting the problem, by playing god and wiping out the majority of the human race on purpose. The fact that i'm one of the ones being eradicated makes me want to SCREAM!!!!!!!!!!!! I love this planet, but i hate the 'people' who are running it. GROWL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Not too much, was just thinking of all the bad days still yet to come, then i fixed the problem by turning off the internet for a while
Of course I am angry, I can't even pray at all. For 15 years I prayed that God would heal my bladder (I have severe Interstitial cystitis since I was a kid) and it just got worse and worse and eventually destroyed my sleep.
I don't think he is going to heal me, in fact I don't know anybody who has been healed and I've been in A/G churches my entire life.............Sad but true. The worse part is I don't feel God, I don't hear him, for years it's been loneliness and dead silence, as if He didn't even exist.
I am actually getting worse each month and unless something drastic happens in research and treatment, I will end up bedridden again, I don't know that I can continue from that point, been there done that. I am young but I've lived a nightmare my entire life, I've never had a break, and it never stops. This seems to happen to good people all the time which I don't understand.
I would be more apt to accepting things if I at least heard from God once in awhile, but it's silence ALL THE TIME. So yes I feel abandoned and completely hopeless and I am literally being tormented physically and psychologically and emotionally, in every way, and I don't think that things will ever change. I also feel guilt all the time as if I did something wrong, all the time, it'd be nice if God would let us know why the he** this is happening, but He doesn't, it's just silence.
And yep, I use the f word all the time, something I used to feel guilty about, not anymore, I've lost everything so I'm going to curse when and where I please. LOL. Rant done.
I hear your anger and you sure are entitled to it. I'm glad you were able to put it down in words here. I know it doesn't change things but, sometimes it can alleviate the tension a little bit.
I know that when I am in an angry state like that, I cannot listen to any rationalizations. The power of my pain
drowns out anything else. I know with me personally that when I am in that state I can't feel God. I don't think that He is not there, I just am not able to feel him there. Which in turn makes me even more angry!
I don't really have any wise words of advice for you except to tell you. I can only tell you that I understand.
Thank-you for the kind words. It does help to know we are all not alone.
What's troubling though is there have been times where I'm not angry, I'm just in pure anguish, or I am sad, and I kneel on my floor and practically beg God for something anything, "I just want to know you're here". But there is nothing.
The past few months I've gone from decently active back to 80% of my time in bed. And I wish someone would take me out the back and shoot me. I have been meditating and not having any problems dealing with stress.. yet my quality of life is between a 0 and 1. Its very frustrating. I believe the longer and more difficult an illness --> the less you respect modern medicine.
Really having a chronic illness.. if they fixed it with penicillin, it would completely change my view on it. The only thing I've learnt is to lower my conscience so I can freely be angry with those who have hurt me and get past it.
Definately would not have a problem meeting the reaper now though, as shocking as it seems -- death doesn't much bother me anymore. Learning to destroy unhealthy relationships, attachments and distractions is useful.
My quality of life ranges from about 1 to 3 lately. When I'm feeling like a 1, I try and look foward to an upcoming 3 day. I just keep in mind things will get better tomorrow.
This disease can fluctuate and it is important to remember that.
Agree with every word you wrote and feel the same myself. Especially about the longer an illness is - the less you respect modern medicine.
I am curious by what you mean by
"The only thing I've learnt is to lower my conscience so I can freely be angry with those who have hurt me and get past it."
It might help me get past my anger at those who have insulted me.
I understand if you aren't well enough to answer/can not answer.
Like Jarod said, quality of illness does fluctuate a lot so try to keep that in mind when you feel extra terrible. I hope you are lucky enough to get some very slightly better sleep tomorrow or in the future and get a slightly better day.
I have found it somewhat of an outlet to play chess on the computer. Given the time in bed, and even with a poor memory and cognition, just the very act of repetition (reminds me of the movie Groundhog Day, a bit) has allowed me to find some combination of moves for a devastating kill - checkmate, I win. Attached is my idea how every chess game should end, if playing white against black. Of course, after the game, I can feel that the roles are then reversed, as the the mind often heads that way.
You can also try a Google Site Search
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