- Messages
- 49
Welp, I tried changing my environment, and it did not work.
Background: my mother has been verbally, emotionally, mentally, and at times physically abusive for as long as I can remember. She has severe type 1 Bipolar Disorder, and all my childhood I thought that this was why she was so goddamn mean. After being diagnosed with type 2 BD myself, I've since realized that mental illness doesn't make you abusive, being abusive makes you abusive. But I digress.
The only time my mother was ever nice/maternal towards me, aside from when she was in a good manic phase, was when I was sick. I remember feeling that my mom only "loved" me when I was sick. That's why, when I got sick with my ME two years ago, I've had a lingering, nagging feeling that maybe it was all in my head, that my subconscious was making me sick so my mom would act like a mom and "love" me. I also thought that maybe the stress from being in such an environment was what was causing my symptoms.
In short, I thought maybe I didn't actually have "real" ME, just being in an abusive household was making me sick.
About 2 weeks ago I moved out and moved in with my grandparents. My grandmother is my mother's mother, and since Bipolar runs in the family, it is, uh...strongly believed that she is Bipolar as well, though she adamantly denies any sort of mental illness and insists that she's perfectly sane, thank you. (I must add, nobody's calling her insane, and nobody is acting as though Bipolar Disorder is something to be ashamed of. Really we just want her to be happy, but we can only do so much). That said, I was a little concerned that I'd be moving from one Bipolar-dominated environment to another, but my grandmother is a much better person at her core and her BD, what there is of it, doesn't make her an asshole like it does to my mother. So I moved.
It's been, like I said, about 2 weeks and I'm happier than I've ever been. I'm in an environment where people love and care about me, something I've never experienced before and am still learning how to handle lol. My grandparents don't understand ME in the slightest but are more understanding than my parents and are willing to learn and try. They are also dedicated and completely dead-set on "getting me better" and "getting through this." Unfortunately, they think this is something that will go away with time after getting out of the stressful situation. For a while, I was really hoping it would, too.
My IBS is MUCH better, my anxiety is gone, my depression is better, my mood is stable, I don't need and graduated from therapy, I've started physical therapy, and my energy levels have improved slightly. However, every other aspect of ME is still very much present. My positive attitude, supportive environment, and overall genuine happiness has done nothing to improve my health besides make it more bearable to be sick.
Overall, of course I'd rather be sick and happy than sick and miserable, but it still stands that being happy has not made me less sick (on the whole). (It's almost as if ME is a disease that isn't in our heads and therefore isn't affecting by mood...wow....who'da thunk?)
But anyway, that's my update. Maybe I haven't given it long enough, but so far getting out of an abusive household has helped me tremendously mentally but health-wise has been about as effective as a lead balloon. Go figure.
I was on crutches for a while and they did spread out the pressure/effort to walk, but they also spread out the pain...But they did help with the energy expenditure with walking. However, thanks to Neurontin/Gabapentin, I'm not using them at the moment and am usually able to walk on my own. I've only missed one day of school this week, which is REALLY good considering the unbearably shitty week I've had.
This is my first week back at school after a week-long school break, but my break wasn't very relaxing due to moving my entire life and belongings (and 2 very confused cats) from one house to another. But things are settling down, I'm getting adjusted, and maybe, just maybe, my health will follow suit.
Thanks,
Lauren
Background: my mother has been verbally, emotionally, mentally, and at times physically abusive for as long as I can remember. She has severe type 1 Bipolar Disorder, and all my childhood I thought that this was why she was so goddamn mean. After being diagnosed with type 2 BD myself, I've since realized that mental illness doesn't make you abusive, being abusive makes you abusive. But I digress.
The only time my mother was ever nice/maternal towards me, aside from when she was in a good manic phase, was when I was sick. I remember feeling that my mom only "loved" me when I was sick. That's why, when I got sick with my ME two years ago, I've had a lingering, nagging feeling that maybe it was all in my head, that my subconscious was making me sick so my mom would act like a mom and "love" me. I also thought that maybe the stress from being in such an environment was what was causing my symptoms.
In short, I thought maybe I didn't actually have "real" ME, just being in an abusive household was making me sick.
About 2 weeks ago I moved out and moved in with my grandparents. My grandmother is my mother's mother, and since Bipolar runs in the family, it is, uh...strongly believed that she is Bipolar as well, though she adamantly denies any sort of mental illness and insists that she's perfectly sane, thank you. (I must add, nobody's calling her insane, and nobody is acting as though Bipolar Disorder is something to be ashamed of. Really we just want her to be happy, but we can only do so much). That said, I was a little concerned that I'd be moving from one Bipolar-dominated environment to another, but my grandmother is a much better person at her core and her BD, what there is of it, doesn't make her an asshole like it does to my mother. So I moved.
It's been, like I said, about 2 weeks and I'm happier than I've ever been. I'm in an environment where people love and care about me, something I've never experienced before and am still learning how to handle lol. My grandparents don't understand ME in the slightest but are more understanding than my parents and are willing to learn and try. They are also dedicated and completely dead-set on "getting me better" and "getting through this." Unfortunately, they think this is something that will go away with time after getting out of the stressful situation. For a while, I was really hoping it would, too.
My IBS is MUCH better, my anxiety is gone, my depression is better, my mood is stable, I don't need and graduated from therapy, I've started physical therapy, and my energy levels have improved slightly. However, every other aspect of ME is still very much present. My positive attitude, supportive environment, and overall genuine happiness has done nothing to improve my health besides make it more bearable to be sick.
Overall, of course I'd rather be sick and happy than sick and miserable, but it still stands that being happy has not made me less sick (on the whole). (It's almost as if ME is a disease that isn't in our heads and therefore isn't affecting by mood...wow....who'da thunk?)
But anyway, that's my update. Maybe I haven't given it long enough, but so far getting out of an abusive household has helped me tremendously mentally but health-wise has been about as effective as a lead balloon. Go figure.
I was on crutches for a while and they did spread out the pressure/effort to walk, but they also spread out the pain...But they did help with the energy expenditure with walking. However, thanks to Neurontin/Gabapentin, I'm not using them at the moment and am usually able to walk on my own. I've only missed one day of school this week, which is REALLY good considering the unbearably shitty week I've had.
This is my first week back at school after a week-long school break, but my break wasn't very relaxing due to moving my entire life and belongings (and 2 very confused cats) from one house to another. But things are settling down, I'm getting adjusted, and maybe, just maybe, my health will follow suit.
Thanks,
Lauren
