My carer is an absolute Godsend. There are loads of things i love about her, like her sense of humour, her genuine care for me, & her compassionate, kind, gentle heart. I could go on & on, I've been blessed enough to find someone who i would want in my life even if i didnt need her, someone i'd want to spend time with even if i didnt have to. But in terms of the main helpful things.....
- She is eager to do things the way
I would like them to be done, rather than the way
she would necessarily do them for herself/at her home. She recognises that this is MY home & she is there to be MY hands/arms/legs, not to do it her way or impose her will/preferences. Goodness me she even does things like slicing the butter the way i would do it. Little things like asking me where i want things put rather than just deciding where she thinks they 'ought' to go.
- She is, generally (barring unexpected things out of her control), on time, if she says 1pm she arrives at 1pm. Shes very reliable.
- She has willingly taken the time to learn about ME, is eager to read what i put in front of her & has been able to grasp some of the political nonsense going on & why i'm so nervous of the doctors
- She never, ever, "chivys" me along (more on this in the 'worst' answer)
-She is flexible when she can be, so if i need to modify hours etc wk to wk depending on how i am, then where she
can accommodate that she does
-She isnt in any way 'parental'. What i mean by that is she asks me what i want & then does it/buys it etc without comment or judgement - clearly does not see it as her place to even have an opinion on what i choose to have for my tea or how much chocolate i eat (for instance).
When I ASK her what she thinks about things (which i often do) - then she will give her advice & input in a very non judgemental, sensible & compassionate way.
But she
never treats me like a child who needs rescuing, never treats me as if i am incompetent or need someone to 'take over'. Even though at times she has to. - this is a biggy because when i crash i get so confused i dont know whats happening & literally incapable of knowing what i need & cannot speak coherently to express it, so if this happens while i'm out she has to take over. But that hasnt led to her thinking of me like that when i'm not in a bad crash. I think it may be because she has history of working with pwlearning disabilities & she is very respectful of me as a fully fledged adult, despite me sometimes needing her help to count out money in a shop.
- She LISTENS to what i need & has taken the time to develop a good grasp of the nature of ME, so that I never feel like small things like "thats a bit bright' or 'too noisy in here' are looked upon as being "difficult". She understand that what might be fine in terms of noise at 1pm is intolerable at 3pm after a trip to the dentist.
-She BELIEVES me. She knows i am genuinely ill.
-She holds my hand when i sob my heart out with grief. She doesn't want me to 'put myself away' or stop crying, or "be positive" but recognises that tears will dry up naturally with support & understanding. She doesnt let her discomfort and sadness at my pain (eg recent bereavement) prompt her into trying to 'cheer me up' - which when done by others only leads to smothering of feelings & further sense of loneliness.
-She is trustworthy
-She is full of creative ideas, she is interested in finding ways for me to access things/achieve things, fix little problems - but again not in an interfering way - she offers these ideas in the context of my talking through problems with her, not unsolicited 'fix it' behaviour.
- This isnt necessarily crucial for everyone but it's important for me because my life varies hugely, on any given dayy i might need her to take me out to an appointment & advocate for me, talk through a problem, mow the lawn, help me have a bath, phone a utility company, make dinner, assess whether the cat needs the vet & then take her, clean up my vomit, sit with me while im upset - i'm afraid there is a lot to be upset about at the moment, do a spot of decorating, bury the dead cat, clean the toilet, go to the supermarket etc etc etc. I mean all these are negotiated i dont just expect her to do things i havent discussed that she is happy to do, she is by no means a slave & i respect her righ to choose & opt out of things if she wants to & care deeply about her welfare too. But the point is that she is my helper & companion, she is whatever i need her to be at that time, she doenst do "thats not my job".
-She is respectful & mindful of my privacy & dignity with things like helping out of the bath etc. she looks just over the top of my head rather that directly at me.
LOL someone mentioned above being good with the wheelchair & recognising what it's like to be the 'pushed', it's not an easy experience sometimes.
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The worst things carers can do is "re-enablement". ie thinking i'm not already doing as much as i can for myself, that i need to be chivied along or persuaded/encouraged to do things - like going out when i'm not well enough.... things like "come on you'll feel better once you're out in the fresh air". Or trying to get you to "think positive".
My carer recognised very quickly that if i said "i cant today" that really did mean I
cant, not that I'd be able to if i thought positively or tried harder or 'had the confidence to' - she doenst say any of those idiotic things people say like "you wont know until you try", - because she can see that I DO know. And that actually i'm more inclined to push too hard than not enough.
But even then she never interferes unless i ask her to. - so sometimes (because of the cognitive issues/confusion i'm not too sure whether I am well enough to do something) I will ask her what she thinks - 'do i seem well enough to do this to you'? And she will answer which is such a help. But unless i ask she doesnt comment.
Also being intrusive, treating you like because you are ill you somehow lost your intelligence or competency, or right to make your own decisions about everything without comment or 'parental' input. This i refer to as 'top down' care, rather than support from underneath or alongside. Its people using "support" or "care" as a way to control or feel empowered themselves, having all kinds of opinions about what the person 'ought' to want/have/do/not do & then foisting them on you.
And there are obviously the issues of trust & respect & dignity in personal care aspects etc there are all kinds of horrors that could come under the 'worst' things but they dont need articulating here i dont think.
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Sorry that was long, but i think its important & i'm looking for another carer at the moment to supplement main carers hours so it was useful to write it down, thought i may as well write it here jic it helpful to someone else