PracticingAcceptance
Senior Member
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Two issues to ask your advice on, which I imagine so many of you have had to deal with already:
1. How can I make it easier for other people to accept and respect my energy limits? And what do you do if they just don't care?
2. How do you deal with friction over housework?
and maybe...
3. How can I stop caring if I've upset someone else, as a result of my energy limit?
The backstory:
I live in a flat share, and my housemate has OCD and is very controlling, with an authoritative attitude (he's a teacher).
I'm in a condition where I can't always cook, but sometimes I can. When I do, sometimes I can't wash up. So the dishes get left til the next day when I can do it. Sometimes I can't wake up until the afternoon, so that's when it would get done. I don't cook every day, and if I do it's simple so it's never a lot of dishes.
This housemate gets extremely upset and angry if a single dish has been left overnight. His style is to send patronising, angry WhatsApp messages to the flatshare thread (there are 4 of us). He blames people incorrectly sometimes. He is a source of drama that seriously has a negative impact on me - I need a restful environment at home.
The other two also think his behaviour is unacceptable, and don't think the occasional dish is a big deal - I'm not the only one leaving dishes sometimes - it's actually more regularly one of them.
One of them, and I, separately have talked to him about how he handles things. We've said that we're not happy for him to send those messages over WhatsApp, and a face to face conversation asking us to wash up would be much better. This, I hoped, would mean the end of incorrect accusations, and a little more understanding both ways; I thought that's the way to handle it as adults. I heard him and understood how upset dirty dishes made him. I explained to him that I don't always have energy to wash up, but he refused to believe me. When I asked for understanding, he said he wouldn't stop bringing up the issue of dishes if there are ever dishes on the side.
After that conversation with him, I prioritised washing up over other things like contacting friends, to avoid pissing him off. I don't find this constant fear of him being pissed off at me a good environment to recover in.
This guy is beyond reason. These messages have happened too many times. I don't want to have to waste my small amount of concentration energy on this issue with him, stemming from the banal issue of washing up. It's caused me a lot of anxiety for the year that I've been here, to the point that my therapist sometimes asks when I'm going to move out. (My limited energy has stopped me from taking on flat hunting as a project.)
Tomorrow we're going to have a house meeting about this. I'm at my wit's end. I don't think he's going to change his tune. I don't know how better to get understanding from him. I've sent my housemates the spoon theory link to try and explain how my energy levels work. The other two are neutral and just ask me occasionally how I am. I'm ok with not having any support at home, but I'm not ok with more stress being created at home.
Please help, this is an issue that I want to resolve and stop worrying about.
1. How can I make it easier for other people to accept and respect my energy limits? And what do you do if they just don't care?
2. How do you deal with friction over housework?
and maybe...
3. How can I stop caring if I've upset someone else, as a result of my energy limit?
The backstory:
I live in a flat share, and my housemate has OCD and is very controlling, with an authoritative attitude (he's a teacher).
I'm in a condition where I can't always cook, but sometimes I can. When I do, sometimes I can't wash up. So the dishes get left til the next day when I can do it. Sometimes I can't wake up until the afternoon, so that's when it would get done. I don't cook every day, and if I do it's simple so it's never a lot of dishes.
This housemate gets extremely upset and angry if a single dish has been left overnight. His style is to send patronising, angry WhatsApp messages to the flatshare thread (there are 4 of us). He blames people incorrectly sometimes. He is a source of drama that seriously has a negative impact on me - I need a restful environment at home.
The other two also think his behaviour is unacceptable, and don't think the occasional dish is a big deal - I'm not the only one leaving dishes sometimes - it's actually more regularly one of them.
One of them, and I, separately have talked to him about how he handles things. We've said that we're not happy for him to send those messages over WhatsApp, and a face to face conversation asking us to wash up would be much better. This, I hoped, would mean the end of incorrect accusations, and a little more understanding both ways; I thought that's the way to handle it as adults. I heard him and understood how upset dirty dishes made him. I explained to him that I don't always have energy to wash up, but he refused to believe me. When I asked for understanding, he said he wouldn't stop bringing up the issue of dishes if there are ever dishes on the side.
After that conversation with him, I prioritised washing up over other things like contacting friends, to avoid pissing him off. I don't find this constant fear of him being pissed off at me a good environment to recover in.
This guy is beyond reason. These messages have happened too many times. I don't want to have to waste my small amount of concentration energy on this issue with him, stemming from the banal issue of washing up. It's caused me a lot of anxiety for the year that I've been here, to the point that my therapist sometimes asks when I'm going to move out. (My limited energy has stopped me from taking on flat hunting as a project.)
Tomorrow we're going to have a house meeting about this. I'm at my wit's end. I don't think he's going to change his tune. I don't know how better to get understanding from him. I've sent my housemates the spoon theory link to try and explain how my energy levels work. The other two are neutral and just ask me occasionally how I am. I'm ok with not having any support at home, but I'm not ok with more stress being created at home.
Please help, this is an issue that I want to resolve and stop worrying about.