The state where I live has a physician assisted suicide law passed now and I started researching that instead b/c I am an enormous burden on my family and the guilt is so hard to deal with on top of the physical suffering to breathe.
The world is round and the place which
may seem like the end may also be the beginning.
―Ivy Baker Priest
Thoughts of suicide can be a benefit if they act as turning point toward something better and more optimistic. Going through with it is a permanent solution to what may be a temporary problem.
As far as being a burden on your family, turn it around for a minute, if it was your husband or your child that had your illness and you were the caretaker, would it be a relief if they killed themselves?
Please remember what Firefly_ has said Gingergrrl. The real burden is in your mind. Instead of assuming you know what your family thinks, you could try asking them outright: "Am I burden to you?" A loving response from them may dispell your perception about being a burden.
Your love for them isn't a burden to them. The time you spend talking with them isn't a burden. The help you provide to your daughter with her homework or problems in life isn't a burden.
Think of what your family would
lose without your presence ― it would be more than what they would
gain. Your husband would lose a loving wife and wonderful person who shares his life. Your daughter would lose an experienced guide, friend, and mother. She would have many significant moments in her own life, such as marriage, that would occur without you.
The loss of your presence in their lives would be the real burden, especially if you
chose to leave them.
Consider what you're teaching your daughter: to persevere, not give up even when in terrible pain, to keep looking and fighting while you can. You can be an inspiration to her even with your poor health. If she meets with health problems in the future she can remember that you didn't give up, didn't just accept doctor's advice, and she can emulate your example.
Your condition also gives your daughter the chance to better understand people with disabilities and deepen her sense of compassion for them.
I have the determination but so far, I am just going in circles and it is so hard not to want to give up when I am holding my family back from having a real life.
Real life is every moment. A diverse life of rampant activity isn't any more real than a bedbound life. It's what you do with the time you have that really matters. The fact that they are with you shows that they
choose to spend their time with you, not that you are holding them back.
I still want to believe that I will figure out why my breathing has deteriorated so much the last 2-3 years and that it will only take one doctor to figure out the missing link or a treatment that could improve my life.
Don't forget about alternative medical systems such Ayurvedic Medicine, and Traditional Chinese Medicine. They both have very different, but often very effective ways of treating illness. They have intelligent, experience based techniques that western medicine isn't aware of.
Just like western medicine it may take time to find a decent practitioner, but it's worth the search just to expand your treatment options.
A simple approach would be a post to Ayurvedic and TCM message boards to explain your symptoms. The participants could give you a basic opinion and maybe even recommend someone in your area with specific experience. I think Ayurveda would consider your breathing problems to be a "vata" condition (wind/air related), and would have some possible treatment strategies in a short time.
I think I am back in the fight now but it gets so tedious and exhausting when I try so hard and there is no pay-off.
Long ago I read two words that I've never forgotten: Fail forward. Every "failure" is one less item on your list of things to research or try. Knowing what doesn't work may be valuable information at some point. I've read that Mr. Dyson who invented the cyclonic vacuum went through more than 1200 prototypes. He learned from what didn't work and failed forward toward a design that works beautifully.
Ninety-five percent of the remedies I've tried have either made me worse or done nothing. But without continued searching and trying I wouldn't have found the five-percent that
have helped and improved my health.
I just spent two days taking amisulpride and found that it made my light and sound sensitivities much worse. It was supposed to do the opposite. This is a useful lesson because now I can try to figure out why it had an opposite effect for me.
I can learn and fail forward. You can do the same.