The stress of decision making with CFS

[Misfit Toy]

I had put it out there that I was thinking of moving or trying to relocate due to an awful lot that has happened in this apartment. Well, now I am in standstill mode. The cost to rent is outrageous here right now. People are losing their homes and renting, so it's a landlords' market. For a good apartment in a nice area where it's not so...trashy, it's about $1,300 and that doesn't include much. For that, you can't even get a washer and dryer in your building. I have now thought of buying a condo. If I am going to spend that much to move, I want to own. I have some savings to do so, but it's a little bit harder, as many on here know. I need some serious advice and have no idea where to turn. Real estate agents just want to sell. I need a mentor or financial advisor. I am not asking for that on here, I just know that that is what I need.

These decisions and thoughts are crippling me. I don't want to make a mistake, so I feel like my illness is in full bloom from thinking, fear and exhaustion. When you buy anything, you are taking a risk. When you rent, and your rent is over $1,000...you are throwing money out the window. Money I could use one day.

My fear is that that money that I would take and buy something with could evaporate and what if I needed to sell? Condos are not as wanted as houses. And some condos don't allow you to rent your place out. So, I could be stuck. It's all such a huge risk. I could never own a home. For one person? A person who has no desire to weed, or do much to a garden. And what if the roof goes or a tree falls on top of my house? GREAT.

I now, on top of everything else, have roaches in my apartment. They came and sprayed today. My rent is too high for all that is wrong.

I am so tired from this and so worried. I miss my sister, who is deceased and my dad, who could have helped me. I have no one in my family to ask. So many have that. People will say to me, "don't you have a father or brother or someone who can help you with this? " NO. I don't. I have been crying a lot. My mom is completely too unwell to hear this and she is overwhelmed by it, understandably. I cried to her today and said, "I want a house, with a lawn and a barbeque. I want what others have. I don't want to live in a box where I have no real access to lounging outdoors." I felt bad that I did that to her. It made her sad.

I have no rush to get out of this apartment. My lease isn't up until December or actually January 1st. But, I don't like the feeling that I really can't make a decision. And sometimes, the more I talk about it with someone, the more overwhelmed I am....and I shut down.

It's awful.

 

[roxie60]

Sorry you are feeling so stressed Spitfire. I understand needing to talk to someone but knowing the few family members available are in no shape to handle my/your struggles. It is frustrating needing someone you can trust to work through all the needs you have but feeling you have no one you can really trust and to be so stressed out you cant trust your own judgement. I am also going thru the same right now. You would probably be surprised how many of us are in this battle alone, no one to assist for variious reasons. I understand your fears of making the 'wrong' decision, it can be paralyzing. Our medical condition seems to be overwhelming to others (including Drs) so when you add the issues related to just existing in this world (paying bills, making money to pay bills, trying to stay organized enough to not lose bills, grocery shopping, showering, keeping your abode clean and organized, making major life decisions like moving) all this while the world outside seems to be out of control. I have to keep reminding my self I have no control some days. Given your apparent stress level it might be good to walk away for a bit and not think about it. Then maybe contact a local financial service (there are ones that are free I just dont know how reliable) and walk them through your questions/concerns regarding moving options. You could report your landlord but in a dysfunctional world where up is down that could come back to bite you, as you said it is a landlords market right now. I dont have too amny specific suggestions but just letting you know you are not alone in feeling stressed over this and it is ashame you have to feel stressed and w/o a support structure, I feel I am in the same boat. Probably not too helpful. There suppose to be so many services to help people but it is hard to find the good ones (ones meeting their service objectives and not in it for fraud).

 

[Nielk]

Hi Spitfire,

This sounds like a hard decision to make..especially alone. I think that in general, now is a good time to buy real estate because the prices are down and the mortgage rates are low. With that being said though, condos come usually with the extra costs of maintenance fees which at times could be pretty high. If you add up your mortage expense and add taxes and condo fees it could amount to much more than what rental would be. In addition, like you stated if you would be in the situation that you might need the money, one cannot always sell when they need/want to. In other words, it's not liquid assets. For these reasons I don't know if that would be such a great decision for you right now.

It sounds to me like you are going through a grieving period. This in general is not a good time to make major decisions.
I woud really advise you to wait a period of time when you become calmer and can think through things more clearly.
This grief could be darkening your thoughts about the current apartment that you live in. When one is feeling so low, it is difficult to know how much of it is that you just miss the family you lost or is it your current living situation?

I would try to first put all my attention into working out your grief. It is so difficult especially when one is chronically ill to deal with the loss of loved ones. I would ease off with the pressure you are putting yourself under to make this decision right now.

If you have a need to talk about this please send me a pm.

 

[Misfit Toy]

Sorry you are feeling so stressed Spitfire. I understand needing to talk to someone but knowing the few family members available are in no shape to handle my/your struggles. It is frustrating needing someone you can trust to work through all the needs you have but feeling you have no one you can really trust and to be so stressed out you cant trust your own judgement. I am also going thru the same right now. You would probably be surprised how many of us are in this battle alone, no one to assist for variious reasons. I understand your fears of making the 'wrong' decision, it can be paralyzing. Our medical condition seems to be overwhelming to others (including Drs) so when you add the issues related to just existing in this world (paying bills, making money to pay bills, trying to stay organized enough to not lose bills, grocery shopping, showering, keeping your abode clean and organized, making major life decisions like moving) all this while the world outside seems to be out of control. I have to keep reminding my self I have no control some days. Given your apparent stress level it might be good to walk away for a bit and not think about it. Then maybe contact a local financial service (there are ones that are free I just dont know how reliable) and walk them through your questions/concerns regarding moving options. You could report your landlord but in a dysfunctional world where up is down that could come back to bite you, as you said it is a landlords market right now. I dont have too amny specific suggestions but just letting you know you are not alone in feeling stressed over this and it is ashame you have to feel stressed and w/o a support structure, I feel I am in the same boat. Probably not too helpful. There suppose to be so many services to help people but it is hard to find the good ones (ones meeting their service objectives and not in it for fraud).

Thank you Roxie. I so know I am not alone and that is why I came on here to write about this. I know others are struggling and are probably struggling with just having any roof over their head. I know that and worry about it constantly. I am trying to get to a therapist to see about getting my feelings of instability under control. When you are sick, don't have a ton of money and realize just how precious life is and how making one wrong move can set you so far back, it's so easy to go downhill. I am trying to step back from it a bit. I don't know what really spawned this feeling to have to move. I never felt this way until I came home from an awful vacation and walked into an apartment that is a mess. I guess I am sick of feeling out of control. My apartment has been a major problem all year and then this vacation with the woman I went on was torture. I came home and now I am a complete mess.

 

[Misfit Toy]

Hi Spitfire,

This sounds like a hard decision to make..especially alone. I think that in general, now is a good time to buy real estate because the prices are down and the mortgage rates are low. With that being said though, condos come usually with the extra costs of maintenance fees which at times could be pretty high. If you add up your mortgage expense and add taxes and condo fees it could amount to much more than what rental would be. In addition, like you stated if you would be in the situation that you might need the money, one cannot always sell when they need/want to. In other words, it's not liquid assets. For these reasons I don't know if that would be such a great decision for you right now.

It sounds to me like you are going through a grieving period. This in general is not a good time to make major decisions.
I woud really advise you to wait a period of time when you become calmer and can think through things more clearly.
This grief could be darkening your thoughts about the current apartment that you live in. When one is feeling so low, it is difficult to know how much of it is that you just miss the family you lost or is it your current living situation?

I would try to first put all my attention into working out your grief. It is so difficult especially when one is chronically ill to deal with the loss of loved ones. I would ease off with the pressure you are putting yourself under to make this decision right now.

If you have a need to talk about this please send me a pm.

I agree 100%. I am glad you know this because I don't think of these things. This realtor said to me yesterday that when you buy a condo, you can't always sell it right away and it's not as easy as just saying, "I will rent it out" because the condo might now allow that. Good point!! The only thing major that i have ever bought was a car. That's it. I have been sick since I was 18, so my life has been on hold since then and there is a lot I don't know. I never had the chance to marry or buy a house. It's so different becoming sick as a kid. You sort of remain there in a way. I am mature and responsible but I don't know what many deal with because I have never owned, had a child, etc.

Anyway, as far as the grieving. My sister died 7 years ago. My 2 nieces, her daughers just moved. One to Chicago and the other will move to CA. We have no family left. I grew up with a huge family. All family members have died. I have no grandparents, no Aunts or Uncles left really and they are old and unable to hear and across the country. I was born when my mom was 41...which SUCKED. Everyone around me was older. I would NEVER ever do that to a child. My sister who passed was 15 years older. When people ask me if I would have a child now I look at them like are you crazy? It's not fair to the child to have one in your 40's unless they have lots of sisters or brothers around. My mom has been sick since I was 29 and I have taken care of her ever since. She has a heart condition, was an alcoholic after my dad passed and she helped me financially and so I had to help her. It was stress like no other. I was sick on top of that. My dad died when I was 17 and all fell on me. I got sick 6 months after he died, which makes sense.

As far as the grieving...when will it stop? The next one to go will be my mom who is the most supportive person in my life. She has believed in me with this illness and stood by me-no one else did. She helps me financially and is my best friend. I would do anything for her and I cry all the time because she has dementia and I feel like she is slipping away.

Some of my well friends will say, "Lots of people don't have families or better yet...move on" but what do they know. I am unwell and have no one. I have friends, but some are superficial and others are there, but have their own things going on and I am always apologizing for calling them or asking for help. I also have friends that are helpful, don't get me wrong. One friend's husband is a psychiatrist, so he found a therapist for me to see who takes my insurance. That is so hard, finding a psychologist who takes medicare. I feel like a nutcase and a bother, so I withdraw. I hardly have any confidence. I hate it. People don't get why I am anxious, but who wouldn't be? Walk in my shoes. I feel like every step I make, I have to look over my shoulder. I hate living like this.

I am so sad.

 

[Sushi]

Hi Spitfire,

I hear you! I also don't have family.

But just to talk about the condo part, there are a lot of hidden expenses and uncertainties with owning a condo. Aside from purchase costs and mortgages payments, there is insurance (usually on your own condo and then paying into the condo association's insurance on the buildings), taxes, condo fees (which can go up), and ASSESSMENTS! Those can be thrown at you if the condo association has to do big payouts for building upkeep and repair, or lawsuits with a company that did repairs--plus any repairs on your own unit which you have to pay. And if another condo owner gets foreclosed or can't make their payments, the other owners may have to chip in.

When everything goes well it is nice, but it has its uncertainties.

And true, you can't just sell when you feel like it. Markets go up and down and it could take a while to sell for a fair price. At least with rent, you know pretty much what your expenses will be.

Best wishes in getting through all this uncertainty and loss,
Sushi

 

[Misfit Toy]

Thank you for your insight. I am glad for this. It's true, with rent...I can afford clothes still! I know what my expenses are. They don't tell you this when you are looking. They try to make money from you and tell you your mortgage is a deal compared to renting. But all of the other stuff gets put under a rug.

 

[Ember]

My heart goes out to you. I missed the opportunity to buy my mother's house when she died (the grief, the stress of deciding, and my illness all being too much for me). I too felt badly for having complained to her earlier about my rental apartment. The last thing she needed to hear about was my frustration. That was over two years ago.

Like you, I became ill within months of my father's death, and now I find myself alone. I cared for both my parents. Grief takes time. Moving can be stressful. No words of wisdom, I'm afraid, just lots of compassion.

 

[*GG*]

I have heard/read recently that buying is not such a great deal. Like people have said, hidden costs etc..Perhaps you could look around for a cheaper rent, different area? I luckily found my small place years ago, and have been able to pay the rent, wtih all kinds of crazy things happening in my life. Glad I don't own, I wouldn't be able to take care of the place or it would take up so much of my precious time and money! I can move out to a different area if I really needed to, but don't plan to until I retire or go out on disability. Only time will tell.

Landlords want a tenant who will pay the rent, and on time, and will not likely raise rent, because they will be afraid to lose you. Better to have a constant source of income instead of an empty place. I actually used to be a landlord. I bought a place for my quadraplegic brother to live in. He died years ago. I let the place go (foreclosed), just became to much even though I had a "management" company, shafted me.

GG

 

[Misfit Toy]

I have heard/read recently that buying is not such a great deal. Like people have said, hidden costs etc..Perhaps you could look around for a cheaper rent, different area? I luckily found my small place years ago, and have been able to pay the rent, wtih all kinds of crazy things happening in my life. Glad I don't own, I wouldn't be able to take care of the place or it would take up so much of my precious time and money! I can move out to a different area if I really needed to, but don't plan to until I retire or go out on disability. Only time will tell.

Landlords want a tenant who will pay the rent, and on time, and will not likely raise rent, because they will be afraid to lose you. Better to have a constant source of income instead of an empty place. I actually used to be a landlord. I bought a place for my quadraplegic brother to live in. He died years ago. I let the place go (foreclosed), just became to much even though I had a "management" company, shafted me.

GG

GG, I just found out from the tenant below that they are planning on raising our rent by $40 this year. We are livid. That is the steepest they have over done. It's always been $30. I plan on talking to them about that. My kitchen is so small, I live on the 3rd floor and I have no washer and dryer. This apartment is so dated and I am unsure as to why they would raise the rent.

The manager of my building says he doesn't want to lose me. I have been here for 8 years and pay my rent on time every month. I live in a college town and people come and go in these apartments. I keep my apartment immaculate. I want to talk to him and say, "you can't raise my rent." They had a hard time getting someone in here in the first place. I got it on a promotion. The woman here before me left 2 months due to all of the stairs and no washer or dryer.

I could move to not such a nice area, problem is...rent isn't much in difference. I live outside of Philly and Philly, the city, is less than the burbs right now, which is fascinating to me. I will not move into the filthy, air polluted, city.

I think because I am so scared, I will stay here for a bit, but look anyway at apartments. I may talk to a elder lawyer. Hows that for you? He helps with older folks and money. He may be able to take me on and help me with deciding what is right for me.

I am so sorry about that management company! That's a huge chunk of change to lose...my gosh!

 

[*GG*]

Yes, I would try to haggle for the same price or better. I am not to bashful to haggle in the right circumstances. Some stores it wouldn't work, but small shops etc. it can work. If a person wants your business/sale, they can compromise, as long as they still make some money.

I assume you mean $40/month? Probably a small percentage of what you are paying for rent, but I'm sure you could find something else to spend the $40 on! Yes, look during the summer in a college town, they are usually a lot less occupied, but they know they can jack up rent on "poor" college kids with loans and free money sometimes. It's not like you need to pay those bills until later anyways. Been there, done that.

 

[Misfit Toy]

Agreed. Yes, $40 more a month. That's a lot! That means every 2 years it goes up by almost $100 bucks. Usually places increase by $20. I remember back in the 90's, places would increase by like $5.00. WOW! That was then. Like I said, no washer and dryer, small kitchen and no major closets, and now roaches?? YEAH...good luck with that.

 

[Misfit Toy]

Yes, I would try to haggle for the same price or better. I am not to bashful to haggle in the right circumstances. Some stores it wouldn't work, but small shops etc. it can work. If a person wants your business/sale, they can compromise, as long as they still make some money.

I assume you mean $40/month? Probably a small percentage of what you are paying for rent, but I'm sure you could find something else to spend the $40 on! Yes, look during the summer in a college town, they are usually a lot less occupied, but they know they can jack up rent on "poor" college kids with loans and free money sometimes. It's not like you need to pay those bills until later anyways. Been there, done that.

PS...I spent many a summer at Hampton beach. I grew up in Sunapee, NH!

 

[SickOfSickness]

That's sad about your mom being sick for so long, and all the other family things you've dealt with

Some condos and apartments have very nice balconies, patios, and shared areas. It's worth waiting for one you like, so you aren't living in a box.

If you did want a condo, you might be able to get a foreclosure at a good price. If you get a foreclosure, get it inspected and try to find one without problems, you don't need the hassle. Or find a deal from a private seller who is desperate to get out, because they need to move or already moved. Be careful and research the association.

You would probably be surprised how many of us are in this battle alone, no one to assist for variious reasons. I understand your fears of making the 'wrong' decision, it can be paralyzing.

Yes

 

[SickOfSickness]

$40 more a month is outrageous! I think $20 more is a lot! I guess I'm not with the times.

 

[Nielk]

" I may talk to a elder lawyer. Hows that for you? He helps with older folks and money. He may be able to take me on and help me with deciding what is right for me."

Spitfire,

I think that's a great idea if you could do that. He can look at your whole situation and give you an educated
reply and advice based on your specific situation.

Nielk

 

[hurtingallthetimet]

hello spitfire, hope you are feeling less stressed : )

thinking about a move is very stressful for anyone who is healthy and for someone who is ill is it is even more stressful.
if you decide to move hopefully you will find lots of people to help you move to make it as easy as possible..

these illness seem to make everything worse and harder
sounds like you youve gotten alot of great advice on here from everyone so i hope that it helps you and ease your stress
take care

 

[CAcfs]

Didn't have time to read the replies, but hubby and I are going through a similar situation. I have thought a lot about this lately. I live in a very expensive area to live in the U.S., so it is stressful to pay so much in rent. We could get more for our money if we bought vs rented, but due to our calculations, it would take living there about three years, before we would have paid enough down on the principal on the loan (as opposed to the monthly payments going only to the interest....in the beginning, most of your actual mortgage payment is going to the interest rate, not the actual cost of the place itself, not paying down the loan itself).

I have thought a lot about this. Here is what I think. First of all, how old are you? If you are 40+....might as well buy within the next 4-5 years, because think of it this way.....assuming you are 40 yrs now, when you are 70 years old (so that would be 30 years from now if you are 40, figuring a 30 year fixed mortgage), or if you are 50, when you are 80, etc.....your place will be paid off. At that point in your life, you'll be living off social security, and you will want to know that your place is paid off. I have elderly people in my building paying rent, and it seems stressful for them. They know their income will never really go up, yet their rent can keep going up, and it does every year. A mortgage payment won't go up, and then once your place is paid off, you have it. So while homeownership isn't a money-maker really, at least it is security as you get older.

That said, a place can be a money pit.....so be conservative and don't be picky with stuff like kitchen finishes, etc. Buy something below your means. We were looking at places worth 240,000 I think, and we ended up calculating 1,100 a month for the mortgage (after putting the 20% down), 200 for condo fees, and then add in whatever you would pay for homeowners insurance, 200+ a month for property taxes in our area (like 3000 a year?), and then I would say either some money in the bank if things break, or budget a couple hundred a month for the "what ifs." It sounds like a lot of money, but it would still benefit us after like 3 years......we figured that even if we only sold it for what we paid (which I doubt would happen!) after 3 years, then paid realtor fees, we'd still come out not loosing any money, because some of the money would have gone to the loan amount, and because of the tax write off from hubby's income.

So here's what I'd say:

-get a steal of a deal (so if you have to resell you won't realize you overpaid. I think my inlaws recently overpaid for their new neighborhood because they were wowed by a crazy glitzy bathroom, but the school district is bad, etc, so bad for resale). In other words, don't overpay for the neighborhood its in, look at the neighborhood as a whole and what places go for there, and pay less than that. Don't get caught up in cosmetics, because you are buying the bones and the land.
-do get a place with a small private (not shared) patio that gets sun during the day (it is nice with CFS), pref first floor
-plan on living there at least 3-5 years. If you don't know what the next 3-5 years look like financially or if you can't predict where you will want to live, don't buy.

Interest rates are low so that's one reason to do it, but I personally think they'll be low for at least another year, and I think prices will stay down for at least a year. I would say take your time.....there is no rush, but I don't think it is a bad decision. If you budget properly, you should be able to afford to get a professional in there if something goes wrong. Just plan for that.

Take all my advice with a grain of salt because I have never bought a home! But this is my opinion as someone who is now looking.

 

[CAcfs]

Keep in mind that despite everything I said, homeownership is just not the right thing for some people.....they are just better off having a landlord handle things like leaky pipes, etc. Just think about if you are willing to handle things like that, or hire someone to handle it. I dunno how that works in condos, but I think pipes you gotta fix yourself? Toilets, etc.

I have decided that hubby and I will definitely buy at some point, because I think over the longterm it's the best $$ decision, because my hubby can fix stuff and make those decisions. Having CFS makes it harder, and not having a partner who is handy. However, if you are realistic about that stuff, I would say don't be too fearful.....do it when you are sure you can handle it, both emotionally and financially. But overall, don't fear it.....and don't get into something where the final costs (after adding in all the condo fees and insurance and property taxes and maintence) are more than what you pay now for rent only! Because that is what you know you can handle. And if you can't afford anything that adds up to your monthly rent after you add in everything, you'll just have to wait and save more I guess! That is our situation.

 

[taniaaust1]

Thank you Roxie. I so know I am not alone and that is why I came on here to write about this. I know others are struggling and are probably struggling with just having any roof over their head. I know that and worry about it constantly. I am trying to get to a therapist to see about getting my feelings of instability under control. When you are sick, don't have a ton of money and realize just how precious life is and how making one wrong move can set you so far back, it's so easy to go downhill. I am trying to step back from it a bit. I don't know what really spawned this feeling to have to move. I never felt this way until I came home from an awful vacation and walked into an apartment that is a mess. I guess I am sick of feeling out of control. My apartment has been a major problem all year and then this vacation with the woman I went on was torture. I came home and now I am a complete mess.

From what you said there.. not really knowing what spawned the feeling to move, feeling like this after that bad time you had with your friend etc. It sounds like you need to be taking some time to sort your thoughts out before deciding to make a move. Probably would be good to get to that therapist before making any major decisions. What's happened to you of late may be impacting how your are thinking.

Be clear about what you want to do before doing anything major.

I understand about that family part. I too grew up in a big family (3 sisters and many aunts, uncles, cousins etc who'd we see a lot). Im in a horrid situation now thou in which I dont have family support.. (both my parents are disabled and my sisters I rarely get to see).

Im currently seeing a guy who Im not sure I want to continue a relationship with (the relationship is wrong) but have no choice but to do so as I dont think I could survive without his help (without him I cant get to my medical appointments etc)... the whole thing sucks