The cruelest days of all for me seem to be the ultra rare good days like I had yesterday.
Yesterday, I wasn't lightheaded, I wasn't weak, dizzy, fevered, nauseated, not even in much pain. Some stiffness, but not enough to be bad. And the light wasn't bothering my eyes, and I was able to go out and drive myself to the store and have the radio on in the car because the sound wasn't killing me for once.
So I was driving and it just felt so good. And I was looking at all the people going to work, and I was like, why can't every day be like this? Why? Why do I have to be boxed in a living coffin all the time? I want a chance to have a real career and work and live in this world. Why am I not allowed to have that? A chance to be successful and a chance to have a real family of my very own. Why can't i have that? I'm not asking for the world and I'm not asking for a million dollars, I just want every day to feel pretty healthy. I want to be able to do real things in life again. It's just so not fair.
I was even able to walk around the foodstore without feeling like I was going to passout or having too much sensory overload. There was some scent sensitivity, but not as bad or worse than usual.
So I came home, mostly because I was out of money. If I had some real money, I definitely would have driven further.
And I still wasn't dead when I got home, which usually I am. So I was able to do some work on the computer and call someone on the phone and it was like this amazing nearly normal day.
Of course, it didn't last. And I started to get queasy. And the CFIDS stomach went back to flaring up and today, I am right back to feeling like a truck ran over me. I'm fatigued and in pain and nauseated and basically just want to die.
I have no idea what causes the very rare times of having a really good day. I did not do anything different to cause it. I simply woke up and was better. Just like I simply woke up today and was worse.
But it's so very cruel because it's like someone is saying, "This is what you would be like if you were almost well, but guess what, tomorrow I'm going to take it away from you again and beat you and make you wish you were dead." It's cruel. And there are no answers as to what triggers a good day. Not eating or drinking anything different. Do not have a clue.
The Cruelest Days
Blog entry posted by Carrigon, Dec 15, 2011.