Update: I am doing ok again. Had neck pain and headache for one day ( I think side effect of LDN), but I am back to base and I am doing more everyday.
I changed a few things: Got off temazepan for falling sleep. Increased LDN to 3mg. Stopped OI training because I feel OK now that I am in the drug. I started exercising also, I change it everyday between pilates, walking, Will try leg weights next because w OI I need to focus on Leg and Abdomen training. Will try swimming too.
I am psychologically in a good place. I need to move on. I am done mourning for the old me. I need to redefine and find the new me. Make new dreams and accept my new life with physical limitations. I think I am somewhat traumatized by this last crash.
I really feel bad about how things went down. What could I have done better, Words said, the way I did things, I wish I could back then see things the way I do now, I was so damn desperate and scared. But whatever happened, happened, and I really need to find a way to live with this and move on.
It is very hard to go to oblivious existence when you have hit rock bottom, and see how far one can go just to stay alive, to survive.
How do you share the same hobbies and former way of seen life with your family and friends (who they think you are). After so much suffering and confusion and been through something like this, you will not be the same ever.
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger ?!?!. HA! whoever said that never had CFS. I feel humbled like a human been, I feel bear and stripped down to basic instinct level. All I care about is the next feed, sleep and very basic things in life. To stop and smell the flowers, see the sky...
My mom said that she misses my smile and my old carefree self. I am not sure I can have that naivete again. That I can be careless without having CFS relapse in the bottom of my mind, or if I will ever be not afraid to relapse. And where I go mentally on every little crash. If I ever will stop "twitching" or cringing at the thought of what being relapsed means. That I can be in Hell again at a blink of an eye.
Also, there are so many people here that have been so good to me. I am enjoying life again but How can I go oblivious of the suffering here and the people that were there for me when nobody else was??? I have learned to care and form very deep friends here and I want them to find at least the same amount of life I have now. I am sure I will find a balance at some point of it all. But that is where I am now.
Blog entry posted by lnester7, Feb 12, 2013.