Every time I think I understand the gravity of my situation, something surprise me.
So I went to the rec center today. I sat on the only bike that has a back rest so I can recline and be comfortable. About minute 2 or 3 a very disabled man walks in, his feet were twisted, it was like if his leg were a candy cane and the feet were to the outside, he kinda dragged on his feet. He puts the walker/scooter next to me and grabs himself hanging from arms from machine to machine.
At this point I feel selfconcious and want to offer him the machine, but at that point he pulled himself to the very uncomfortable bike and start pedaling. "I am like how can this guy pedal. Would it be rude to ask him if he want this bike?". At this point guy is going faster than me. And I am like WHAAAAAAT????? .
I don't feel like such a B%%%% anymore I just feel plain competitive, I am like I should be able to do better. Please do not even post to tell me about this sentence, I know, Not a rational thought specially coming out of a crash and against a poor very disabled guy, but I am just plain mad about my situation at this point.
Is hard to explain but in my irrational head I HAD TO DO BETTER than him, it was like my disability self image depended on it. I tried to keep my HR under 115 (my AT) so the guy was just going faster, I started yawning and just looking/feeling very bad. I couldn't keep my HR under 115 no matter at this point how slow I try to go. I knew it was time to stop and give up.
I will not tell you how that made me feel. It just makes me question that 7% I am so proud of in the energy scale.
So, how disabled am I ???
Blog entry posted by lnester7, Jun 25, 2013.