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Professor CFS

Blog entry posted by lnester7, Aug 24, 2012.

This is meant to be a reflection, I was thinking last night, that CFS has humbled me as a person.

I used to consider myself strong and independent. I got CFS and I did not handled it we AT ALL. I was so damn arrogant, and smart that I could solve it all.

I was let down by myself and family, others really surprised me and I found support and help in very unexpected places. For the first time I was vulnerable and dependent on others. Not a very good feeling but a very humbling one.

* I learned that I did not know how to ask for help. Or that others around me did not know how to give it?!?
* I promised my husband in health or sickness, but my first instinct on this was too go away because I am so damn exhausted that didn't want to even bother with the loved ones. I had to learn and accept that sometimes you have to let others just take care of you, and yes you will be dependent but not necessarily a burden. I still wonder if my family is not better off with me dragging along their style and having to restrict their activity choices to accommodate me. So I feel like somewhat I was not very good at handling CFS and family, I guess is a learning and continuing to do so.

* God and I, wow, this one I will not even go into, all I can say is that my faith was not as strong as I thought. As soon as I didn't get relieve by prayer I just simply stopped praying. I stopped going to church because of the noise and over stimulation. Will try to work on that one.

* Family: Completely let down. I have learned the different ways people deal with pain and bad news. Interesting and I have learned to be more patient as they learn about my disease.

*Friends: There are good (AND REALLY BAD) people out there, Some will try to accommodate you and try to help you as they can. I have found new friends and rediscover old ones. Also learned that there will be people praying on the helpless and vulnerable, if they see you desperate, they will offer you anything and try to make money off of you or take advantage where they can.

Overall I feel I am turning a page in my life, I feel like I was in a nightmare, Alone and very terrifying times, the denial, the anger and the roller coaster of emotions that comes with this.

I just want to move on. Be a better person and try to deal with CFS with more courage:oops: . I look back and I feel ashamed of myself for how I handled things so far, I guess I was not as strong as I thought.

I don't feel charged with guilt and confusion anymore. I am not doing physically that much better better but I guess psychologically I am in a good place, Acceptance and understanding of my new situation and ready to do the best under this trying circumstances.
  1. lnester7
    If it is a private journal is ok. I think we all go through the grieving process several times. I am not sure if this is the same in all illness or if they go through each stage just once and then they reach a good place. But In my case is like every crash starts the grieving process again.
  2. GracieJ
    Beautiful! Do you mind if I copy your posts over into some journaling? They do inspire me. I think I went from my teen years with a medical condition then straight into ME/CFS and just never talked about anything, too much ridicule and shaming for "pretending." So ridiculous. Almost no one I know in real life knows I am ill. Those who do and are finally supportive have come along just in the past five years.

    Church, I find, is impossible due to MCS. :( I will find a way...

    I am at peace and so close to God these days. Life is just beautiful no matter how it comes.

    This has come after years of anger, frustration, confusion... thank goodness it mellows and resolves.
  3. SilverbladeTE
    yeah the anger...of being betrayed by your own body, by peope who are supposed to be healers...ugh.
    I never felt closer to God, than when watching the sun set over a river... :)
  4. lnester7
    LB: Good suggestion!! I will look into that. Thank you.
  5. Little Bluestem
    If the noise and over-stimulation of church are too much for you, maybe you could find a GOOD Christian radio or television network. I know there are a lot of charlatans out there waiting to take advantage of the vulnerable, but I have found one that I am happy with. I do realize that this is a less good solution for someone with a family; but as long as you are not able to join your family at church, it could be better than nothing.