This is meant to be a reflection, I was thinking last night, that CFS has humbled me as a person.
I used to consider myself strong and independent. I got CFS and I did not handled it we AT ALL. I was so damn arrogant, and smart that I could solve it all.
I was let down by myself and family, others really surprised me and I found support and help in very unexpected places. For the first time I was vulnerable and dependent on others. Not a very good feeling but a very humbling one.
* I learned that I did not know how to ask for help. Or that others around me did not know how to give it?!?
* I promised my husband in health or sickness, but my first instinct on this was too go away because I am so damn exhausted that didn't want to even bother with the loved ones. I had to learn and accept that sometimes you have to let others just take care of you, and yes you will be dependent but not necessarily a burden. I still wonder if my family is not better off with me dragging along their style and having to restrict their activity choices to accommodate me. So I feel like somewhat I was not very good at handling CFS and family, I guess is a learning and continuing to do so.
* God and I, wow, this one I will not even go into, all I can say is that my faith was not as strong as I thought. As soon as I didn't get relieve by prayer I just simply stopped praying. I stopped going to church because of the noise and over stimulation. Will try to work on that one.
* Family: Completely let down. I have learned the different ways people deal with pain and bad news. Interesting and I have learned to be more patient as they learn about my disease.
*Friends: There are good (AND REALLY BAD) people out there, Some will try to accommodate you and try to help you as they can. I have found new friends and rediscover old ones. Also learned that there will be people praying on the helpless and vulnerable, if they see you desperate, they will offer you anything and try to make money off of you or take advantage where they can.
Overall I feel I am turning a page in my life, I feel like I was in a nightmare, Alone and very terrifying times, the denial, the anger and the roller coaster of emotions that comes with this.
I just want to move on. Be a better person and try to deal with CFS with more courage . I look back and I feel ashamed of myself for how I handled things so far, I guess I was not as strong as I thought.
I don't feel charged with guilt and confusion anymore. I am not doing physically that much better better but I guess psychologically I am in a good place, Acceptance and understanding of my new situation and ready to do the best under this trying circumstances.
Blog entry posted by lnester7, Aug 24, 2012.