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please tell me i'm really sick...

Blog entry posted by RestingInHim, May 4, 2011.

and not just
lazy...depressed...mental.

where does your mind go when you're knocked down? to...

what others may be thinking?
if you got yourself into this state?
what's the point of ever doing anything if i have to pay with days, a week, a month, or longer in bed?
how do i pace when at an event that lasts all day?
if i just push myself...couldn't i get over this?
maybe i just want to be sick?
when should i push myself?
am i only ever to do stuff with family and rarely have energy for friends?
how hard do i push to make a bed-ridden day an up & at 'em day?
am i on the right meds?
what other therapies/treatments should i try?
will i ever find a doctor that gets it, now that i've lost mine?
will i ever be well again?

how do you know?

this i know...that my Redeemer lives, and at the last He will stand upon the earth...and after my skin has been destroyed, yet in my flesh i shall see God, whom i shall see for myself, and my eyes shall behold.

in the meantime...as i wait, in a sure hope...that this is not all there is...

please tell me i'm really sick.
  1. taniaaust1
    how do i pace when at an event that lasts all day?


    That one there is often ways to get around it but the pacing shouldnt be just about that one day but the preparation for that day should also be about the preceding days before that day and the days after.

    Resting up in the days leading up to that day (conserving energy for that day) can give one more energy on that day. Planning to rest up in the days after that day.. can help too. During an all day event depending on where the event is at.. one can do things too.. if out in a garden one eg say a garden wedding... one could take a picnic rug and lay down.

    I brought myself a tiny panel van and have the back of it decked out in a mattress, pillows and blankets.. when I was still driving, this allowed me to sneak away from events for a short time to have a quick nap. At events the fact that you are gone for a while often isnt even noticed much.
  2. Emmanuelle
    Great posts, everyone! It's late ... I should go to bed. But I really relate to everything said here. When the illness strips away so much from life, what's left, but God ... It really is a gift in that way-- (I wouldn't say that to many people ...) I've always had faith, but I know if I was BUSY out in the world, I wouldn't have as much time or NEED to turn to God ... Thanks for your story, One way. I'm going to (try) to remember that! I, too, agonize in advance over social events ... I'm going to turn it over to Him ...

    Blessings, all.
    Emmanuelle
  3. RestingInHim
    all i can say, OneWay, is Amen!

    thank you for your comments!

    resting...by faith
  4. OneWaySurvival
    Great post, RestingInHim.

    I don't post very often, but I was just so struck by your list of honest questions (I could add a few more) that haunt all of us in moments of suffering (our accusations against ourselves tend to be even harsher than any we ever hear from others) and then your important conclusion that returns us back to the solid rock of Jesus Christ who never forsakes us and indeed is our ultimate hope.

    This eternal perspective is truly a difference maker in my outlook on this wretched illness. There are so many things ME/CFS causes us to be uncertain about. Questions that I'll add to yours are:

    * How will I pay bills and care for my family?

    * Should I even attempt any suggested family activity or social plan given how bad the day/week/month is going?

    * If I do push myself to participate, should I explain to people there that I don't usually feel up to things like this, that the next few days will be worse, and should I feel guilty when I am able to do something and yet I'm not working?

    Part of the battle of this illness is being at peace with the uncertainty. Having a few or even one close friend (my wife in my case) who can help me keep perspective and remind me that I am worth something to those around me is key.

    And with all the uncertainty, we can be confident in this above all else: that Christ is who He said He is and that He will restore all things at the end of this world when He begins His reign forever, as promised in Revelation, the final book of the Bible. In the meantime, He shares in our suffering (and shared first-hand) and gives grace and mercy to us. I would offer that two far more important questions than the ones we torment ourselves with each day are "do we believe Him?" and "will we trust in Him?" All our own current uncertainties and pain will eventually pass away.

    A quick personal story. Just last week, I was stuck in one of these self-inflicted tormenting questions about whether or not to commit to attending a special family event that would be held on a Sunday afternoon, knowing that it's a weekly toss-up whether I'm even strong enough to make it to church in the morning. I knew it would be a poor example to my kids to attend the family event but not attend church, so I continued to wrestle with it. In fact, I wrestled with the question for 2 days and didn't get anywhere and finally I thought to ask for wisdom from the Lord (I'm not always good at breaking out of my own mindset to do this). I decided to read scripture to get my mind off the question. Unexpectedly I got my answer in the gospel of Luke (ch1, verse 50). Mary (the mother of Jesus) said to Elizabeth after learning that she would carry the son of God, "His mercy extends to those who fear [respect, honor, obey] Him, from generation to generation."

    From these words, I immediately had my clear decision that I would first attend church if I was able. Then, if my strength continued, I would have the opportunity to also attend the later family event. It took all the worry away ahead of time. As it turns out, I attended both, and was given mercy (just as His word had given me confidence I would receive) to last most of the day with only laying down for short rests at various opportunities throughout the day. Yes, I had 3 poor days following that day (and missed other things I would have liked to be part of), but it was wonderful to be confident in my decision and then look back with satisfaction on what the Lord did for me in allowing me to participate that day.

    Thank you Resting, for your post, which is one of the many sources of encouragement to me lately as I look expectantly to what the Lord is doing to help the entire ME/CFS community. It has been my prayer that we will all be restored together, physically and spiritually. I believe He will use things like getting an audience with President Obama to bring help to all of us through advancing science, and posts like yours to make our hearts right with the Lord.
  5. RestingInHim
    Thanks so much for your comment, Ben. i really don't know how others do this without Christ. however, i have certainly been helped with other aspects of dealing with this illness from so many people on this forum...all coming from different perspectives spiritually.

    i am so grateful that in the midst of the most awful days...God meets me and lifts my perspective to Him. it's not to say what i'm experiencing isn't awful...but an eternal view makes all the difference. hard to see it sometimes. but faith that isn't tested is no faith at all.

    by His grace...we stand firm.

    blessings!
    resting...much more than this morning.
  6. Ben!
    Hey there,
    Sorry that I don't have much time/energy to write anything in depth... let me just say that I feel you completely. I have turned all of the above thoughts over in my head multiple times, many of them on a daily basis.
    It is good to see that your faith is in a safe place. It seems to me that the spirituality (christianity is the only I have experienced thus far, but I'm sure other forms of spirituality are present here) is much stronger in people with CFS. We don't have the luxury of turning to worldly pleasures - be they conventional, like partying and friendship, or unconventional, like the feeling of making a difference in the world - to fulfill us: we really only have faith and patience. Therefore, while I can't say I'm thankful for CFS, I definitely know I wouldn't have been able to experience this kind of faith otherwise in my life.