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Online Disabled Dating Sux

Blog entry posted by Carrigon, Jun 18, 2010.

I've been a member of an online disabled dating site for several years. And all I've met are losers, abusers, and incompatibles.

I've also met alot of disabled men who said they cannot handle my disability. As soon as they learn about it or watch my videos about it, it's totally forget it. I've had men with cerebral palsy tell me that they don't go through a fraction of the suffering that a CFIDS/ME patient goes through and that they could never handle being with someone like me. You'd be surprised how often I hear that from men with other disabilities. No one can handle the level of disability a CFIDS/ME patient goes through.

I've met phishers, alot of phishers. Phishers are the ones who are just checking to see if someone will actually be interested in them. They have no intention of ever having a relationship with you, although they will lead you on for awhile. They just want someone to tell them they are attractive and that you are interested in them. Then, after a few weeks, they will drop you and move on to the next one.

I've met men who have led me on for a few weeks and then decided to attack my religion or my disability. Abusers. They were well aware from the start what my religion is and my disability and I'm very open with explaining both. But after a few weeks, it's suddenly, "I'm a devout whatever and would never date someone who is Wiccan." Or "I will never understand your religion no matter how many times you explain it. I don't want someone like you."

I've met men who will just plain drop you for no reason at all. They act like you're kewl and interesting and they really want to have a relationship with you. And then, nothing. No letters, no response to you asking if something is wrong. Just nothing. And yet, you will still see them showing up on the dating site. So, yes, you are being dropped and ignored for no reason at all. These are the ones that make me mad. They just leave you hanging, wondering if you should kick them off your Facebook or MSN or whatever. No explanation on if you said something they didn't like, if they met someone else, if they just don't think it will work out. Nothing. Not even a note to say, I don't think we'll workout, Just nothing. I usually give them a few days, and if there's still no response, I kick them off anything I added them to.

I've met alot of men who were too disabled for me. I'm not well enough to care for someone who is mostly paralyzed in a wheelchair. I can't care for someone with seizures or mental illness.

I've also met alot of men who really aren't that disabled at all. They can travel the world and work and all kinds of stuff and they want someone who can also travel and do stuff. They always say that they don't let their disability stop them from doing anything they want to do. Well, I'm sorry, but severe CFIDS/ME does stop me from doing those things.

I've met a few who wanted to change me or fix me. That doesn't work either. Accept me as is, or forget it.

I've met tons of scammers. The foreign ones want an American mealticket or greencard. They will do or say anything to get out of their home country. And then there are the ones that just want your SS check. They all have an ulterior motive.

I've met alot of disrespectful ones that don't respect a thing in my profile or even bother to read it. I've clearly stated that I cannot have kids and do not want someone with kids. So what do I get? Tons of men with kids looking for me to be the new mom. Or looking for a breeder.

The list is long of what I've met. Alot of them lie. They just want cyber and when they see you won't go for it, they drop you.

So basically, I haven't met anyone in years online. Online dating sux.
  1. Daffodil
    i can SO relate to this article. i havent really tried dating sites but used to frequent chatrooms instead. i can't really say that i have met men in real life who are any more stable than the online ones lol

    i decided long ago to wait until i improve and there is a vaccine or something, to try to date again. life is hard enough as it is!
  2. Carrigon
    oipemowell I won't respond to any non disabled man on a disabled dating site. Right away, I think there's something seriously wrong with a healthy non disabled man who is deliberately looking for a disabled woman. I've actually met men who said they wanted an amputee, healthy men looking for that. And I was like, that is bizarre.

    I've had all the same experiences you've mentioned. They even put up pics that look twenty years old. I saw one guy's profile yesterday where it looked like he put up a pic from the 70's. Like disco era.

    My latest thing is to request a video chat so I can see who I'm talking to. That doesn't stop them from lying, but at least you get an idea of what you are dealing with.
  3. oipemowell
    I have found many men in there that arent disabled and I wonder what the heck they want a disabled woman for? And when you email them, you dont hear back. Also, 3 guys have emailed me from weird places that Guana.....maybe they think a woman will be interested and they can marry and come to the USA??? Not much action on these sites, including the Yahoo CFIDS singles and dating. Internet dating in general is rather backwards to me, and have come up with some will doozies. They do not represent themselves correctly. And lord.....the pics guys put up!!!! You cant even make out what they look like, OR they dont put up a pic, and expect you to respond. Frustrating world, dating is, especially when you arent perfectly healthy and perfectly financially set, etc. etc. Very scary and intimidating. Best to meet men through meetup groups in your area, where you can check each other out in person first, in a group session, and go from there. Good luck!!
  4. Carrigon
    I have enough internet friendships. I don't need more of them. At this stage of my life, I am looking for a real life partner.

    They attack the religion whether I speak of it or not. I think it's just an excuse to dump.

    I have met someone else, but it's way too soon to know if anything will come of it.

    Everyone is different and everyone is looking for different things. I am beyond sick of being alone. On good days, I can go out to dinner. I do have trouble with the noise and crowds, but I can actually have dinner out. Movies would probably be a no, unless watched at home. I think the sound and the large screen would kill me off. I really just need someone who doesn't mind someone who is mostly dead :D Now if I can only find a zombie :D
  5. Victoria
    Yes, I understand what you're saying Carrigon. But my point was to, not aim for a "dating in person" (type of relationship).

    Don't allow yourself to become so deeply involved with someone online, that you want to meet & go out with that person on a date. Try not to talk about health or disability at all (if you can).

    I've been interested in health & alternative therapies for a long time, so enevitably, I will talk about these things at some stage in a friendship, but I try not to talk about what I can't do, or what I want in a relationship.

    Give the disabled internet dating sites a miss for the time being. Just aim for an internet friendship with someone who shares your interests (not your health problems).

    I can honestly say, that I don't have the health or energy to go out with anyone. Most of the time in the past 5 years at least, I haven't even been able to go out with friends, let alone an actual date with the opposite sex.

    I usually went out about 3 times per year when working. Christmas dinner with the family & extended family was exhausting. Easter Sunday (afternoon tea) with family was tiring. Dinner with friends for my Birthday usually fizzled out relatively early.

    I couldn't keep up a 2 hour conversation. I certainly can't hear well enough in a noisy room or restuarant. I really don't want to eat "wrong" food in a restaurant & feel unwell the next day. I feel unwell with nausea in a crowd or with family who might wear perfume, aftershave or even just a strong deodorant. I can't really drink alcohol. I can't be the witty, funny lady I was 25 years ago. I am not good company at all (in person). BUT I can manage the occasional online conversation. I can talk passionately about subjects I'm interested in.

    Try to avoid talking about what you can't do. Try not to see every new online person as a future partner (or date).

    And try to keep in mind, that relationships & friendships sometimes just fizzle out, or fade. It happens to even the healthiest person. No one is necessarily at fault.

    It just happens.

    The important thing is to move on & not allow those failed relationships to colour your future relationships.

    Enter every new day with a clean slate.

    And as to religion, my philosophy leans more towards Buddhism than anything else. If your Wiccan beliefs cause an issue, don't talk about them. Religion & politics often end in a heated discussion, so leave them out of the picture.

    Or, have you thought about doing a search on the internet to see if there is a Wiccan forum you can chat on & meet people with that shared interest?

    I'm trying to be helpful here. I certainly sympathise with your plight. Most people want someone to love & share their life.

    And I think we can all agree that chronic illness is very isolating & a very lonely existence for many people.
  6. Carrigon
    I do talk about other interests, quite alot of them. It's not about this illness at all. It's about meeting someone else who is disabled with something else or possibly the same thing, who would understand more that I can't do the traveling or the rock climbing. The problem is, most other disabilities are no where near as disabling as CFIDS/ME. So they still don't get it. I'm always told how they don't let their disabilities stop them from doing anything they want to do in life. It's just not the same thing at all. And it goes back to sick vs handicapped. I am sick with a disease, most of these people are just handicapped, but they are not sick. There is a huge difference between being fevered, weak, dizzy, having swollen glands, feeling faint. And someone who never gets any of that, but just has a mobility problem. They aren't sick, they just have a problem getting around.

    I think another problem is like I already stated, alot of them are just looking to get laid. And when they see you won't do cyber or phone sex or whatever, they try for a good few weeks with that, but when they see you want a real relationship, they just drop you.

    Many are scammers just looking for your money or they are in bad situations and want you to get them out of it.

    But I have had a few that were abusive and suddenly decided after a few weeks to attack my disability or my religion. My guess with that would be they had no intention of ever having a relationship with me and those were just excuses to dump me.

    There are all kinds out there. And it's very hard to find someone who will understand that you can't keep up and may often be too sick to do alot of stuff.
  7. Misfit Toy
    I agree with Vicky that interests outside of the illness are the way to go. If I was to watch videos of someone saying how ill they are and how they are unable to do much, I wouldn't want to date them either. That isn't being mean, but honest. Especially if that is what someone is putting out there and they have nothing else to go on. Even when I am at my worst, I don't want to date someone who is really sick either. It's funny how we discriminate even though we are quite unwell ourselves. I won't go on a disabled website. No thanks. I would date someone who has a disability, but I want to know who they are outside of their illness. Just when I think I am my illness at times, I will find myself wanting to dance or sing a song and I remember, "ahhh...this is me." That is what someone wants to know, not just the "oh I am so tired and I can't do anything" thing. I have friends that are wiccan and that is hard to find others who get that, but not impossible. And if they don't like it, that is ok. I don't want to be with anyone who is die hard into a religion...so, they can say the same about me not being into a religion. There is a lid for every pot..remember that!
  8. Victoria
    I cannot imagine online dating, but do understand how much you want to have a male friend or someone to share your life.

    Perhaps a disabled dating site is not the way to go for you (at the present time in your life & illness).

    I hope that one day you will feel well enough to enjoy the company of a partner, but in the meantime, I would suggest just enjoying some online time & friendship with someone with mutual interests.

    I met & wrote to a man in France (with mutual interests in art & design) for about 5 months, some 10 years ago. We exhanged about 170 emails in that time & had a lot of fun joking & talking about our daily life. We also spent alot of time talking about famous painters of the past & their influence on the art of their times, especially the French & Australian Impressionists.

    He started getting a bit weird eventually (in his emails), but I can honestly say it was a richly rewarding & enjoyable online realtionship - one that I don't regret in the least (after it ended).

    It was the shared love of Art which helped the friendship along & our conversation.

    Perhaps you have some interest (from the past, or that you enjoy talking about in the present) outside of your illness or disability, which might link you to an online friendship?

    I can highly recommend online friendships - they are what keep my life in balance (& sometimes give me an introduction to a new interest or pastime).

    These online friends are very good company (from the other side of the world). I've also found a few Forum members who share my love of gardening, humour & more recently, my new hobby of photography.

    Friendship is a good start to any relationship.
  9. silicon
    I admire your courage to explore online dating, etc., and your openness about who you are. Your depth and authenticity is rare, and is probably beyond the capability of many people to appreciate--but such people do exist, and hopefully your quest will be rewarded. Your blogs and other posts are so raw and real that it’s inspiring and life-affirming! I am ambivalent about dating as it seems unrealistic for me at this point, and I have thus far resisted the online dating scene. Disabled dating sites seem like a good idea on paper…I’m sorry to hear of your experiences in practice. Maybe that will change. Perhaps the universe will respond positively to a sincere yearning for companionship.
  10. MNC
    Losers? I can't believe you still dare to call someone like that. So what are you then? Please stop insulting men the way you usually do. Reading your posts makes me sick. OK?