In the first three months of this year I was “officially” diagnosed with ME and during the time it took to reach that diagnosis, my doctors discovered that I had cancer and I would need nine weeks of daily radiation therapy. On the morning of my tenth radiation session, I suffered a stroke and lost my abilities to speak and walk. In the matter of a few months I had lost over 90% of the abilities that I had previously had. My once, vibrantly healthy and very active life had been shattered.
The “old” me is gone…all the fighting to hang on to that “idea” of the “old” me, to be something other than what I am right now, takes a great deal of energy, energy I desperately need for other things.
Now, today, I am a “different” me, I do a few of the things I use to do, but I do them very differently than I did before, and when I catch myself feeling angry, upset, and despondent over the all of the things I can no longer do, I don’t hold on to those feelings…I watch them rise up, I experience them briefly…and then, I say goodbye to them and I let them go…and they do go, just as long as I don’t try to keep hanging on to them.
I wake up every morning with the intention that I will find at least one thing to smile about and be grateful for…it may be a look from my wife, hearing the sound of children laughing and playing outside, or just the feeling of a gentle breeze, something…anything to let me know, there is still life in me and with all of the challenges that continue to come, I still have the power to choose how I will respond to them.
Feel whatever you feel about your life…hate it or love it, but don’t fight or hold on to those feelings…let them be what they are and then let them go…look for anything, no matter how small it may be, that brings you a moment of relief, happiness or peace, try to string a few of those moments together every day, and smile at the simple gift of being alive now, in this moment…that’s all we have.
I wish for you peace and love.
mrs_took, It’s raining, it’s pouring…Your posting has deeply moved me.
Blog entry posted by gsteb, Sep 12, 2013.