I'm a bit stressed and down today. Please don't read, if that affects you negatively. I don't want to make anyone feel worse.
The words never really seem to come out. A constant feeling of stress and worry and some intangible sense of having done something wrong. The mood here at times scares me a bit. A lot of judgement around. It doesn’t really seem to matter that some people are hurt by it.
I have made that experience, where words don’t matter anymore. Your words don’t reach. There is not anything you can say to change the situation.
You give up on it and it hurts. A lot of things hurt. I have had to give up some things, I don’t look back at them much and I’m scared of the things steering towards me, that I will still have to give up.
The words don’t reach my heart. Some things, some feelings I never seem to say, to share. I’m carrying them around with me but when I reach to pull them out they sink down further.
I don’t really get myself.
Why does judgement have to wait here, too? You already find it in many other places, pushing your shoulders down further, making you feel like you always walk with your head down, shoulders bent, like a criminal. I try hard, like with everything, but it seems impossible to completely separate those views from me. They integrate in some form, on some level and add to the weight.
It does seem to get to me when many other people have such a different view on you from the one you have on yourself.
Everything always flows, there is some action and some reaction and sometimes there is nothing you can do to stop it. Everything always connects. You pull back. You think again. Maybe you don’t really fit in here, too
In the heart
Blog entry posted by PinkPanda, Sep 11, 2017.