In the heart

Blog entry posted by PinkPanda, Sep 11, 2017.

I'm a bit stressed and down today. Please don't read, if that affects you negatively. I don't want to make anyone feel worse.


The words never really seem to come out. A constant feeling of stress and worry and some intangible sense of having done something wrong. The mood here at times scares me a bit. A lot of judgement around. It doesn’t really seem to matter that some people are hurt by it.

I have made that experience, where words don’t matter anymore. Your words don’t reach. There is not anything you can say to change the situation.

You give up on it and it hurts. A lot of things hurt. I have had to give up some things, I don’t look back at them much and I’m scared of the things steering towards me, that I will still have to give up.

The words don’t reach my heart. Some things, some feelings I never seem to say, to share. I’m carrying them around with me but when I reach to pull them out they sink down further.

I don’t really get myself.

Why does judgement have to wait here, too? You already find it in many other places, pushing your shoulders down further, making you feel like you always walk with your head down, shoulders bent, like a criminal. I try hard, like with everything, but it seems impossible to completely separate those views from me. They integrate in some form, on some level and add to the weight.

It does seem to get to me when many other people have such a different view on you from the one you have on yourself.

Everything always flows, there is some action and some reaction and sometimes there is nothing you can do to stop it. Everything always connects. You pull back. You think again. Maybe you don’t really fit in here, too
Molly98, rosie26, Woolie and 2 others like this.
  1. Molly98
    bless you PinkPanda, thank you for having the courage to share your thoughts and feelings, sending you a big hug
    PinkPanda likes this.
  2. Skycloud
    You've said so much so much better than I can currently articulate so I'm just going to virtually hug you instead. Hoping for a better day.
    Molly98 and PinkPanda like this.
  3. Shoshana
    Thank you for sharing that piece of writing, PinkPanda. I am sending my caring to you.
    Molly98, Skycloud and PinkPanda like this.
  4. Pen2
    Hi @PinkPanda, I hope you are feeling a little better today. Sometimes even one day can make a difference. I am thinking about you so I wanted to say hello. If you want to talk or vent some frustrations, get mad, whatever, you can talk to me anytime.

    If you want ,you can just vent at me only. Whatever helps.
    Big Hugs to you!
    Molly98, Skycloud and PinkPanda like this.
  5. PinkPanda
    @Pen2 @Quilp You words mean a lot to me, thankyou!
  6. Quilp
    PinkPanda what a moving piece. I know that came from the depths, where words find it hard to give voice. And because I know that, perhaps even feel that, your piece is all the more powerful.
    If I were to judge you I would say that you are someone who has so much more to give. So many members are unable to articulate their innermost feelings; you have just done it for them, for us, and for those yet to come.
    Have you ever given thought to the possibility that the silence is the sound of so many of us trying to find our way ?
    There are those who have read your post and have taken strength, because they know they are not alone; they know that there are others that feel like they do, and in that the world becomes a more inviting place.
    This is the most unpleasant journey many of us will ever make. How ironic that it should be made in the company of the most pleasant people we will never meet.

    Love, Mark
    Molly98, Skycloud, alkt and 2 others like this.
  7. Pen2
    @PinkPanda, I know you felt there is nothing anyone can say. I have to try. Why? Because you posted here. I believe deep down you want someone to care. So many on PR have cared and helped me. I am happy to call them my friends. We truly care about each other...I care. I wouldn't be responding if I didn't.
    That said, don't pull back, except understanding, you don't even have to look at me. I can't see your reaction to my response. I just want you to know, your not alone like you're telling yourself, you have friends on PR, you have me. You can come and go when you want or can. Don't try to be anyone, just be. You will find support.....never give in to ME/CFS....there is always hope. You sound like a very intelligent person.
    Join us maybe not so intelligent people.

    That's why were / I'm here.