I miss being in the warm sunlight so very much. I'm so pale, I look like a corpse. And I'm never well enough to go out in the sun much. And it hasn't been warm out for a long time.
Even when it is warm out, I'm usually too sick until nightfall to go out. So I never get to be out in the sunlight anymore.
Somehow, I always associated the warm sunlight with the light of God's warmth just shining down on you. And I miss it. It always felt like a warm healing light. Too many people take it for granted. They don't realize what it's like when you can't have it.
I'm feeling so down lately. I was down even before the jerk left me. The night before he broke up with me, I was thinking how he wasn't enough to make me want to live at all. If wouldn't have mattered if he was real. I'm just so tired of fighting. Twenty plus years of this illness, when is enough enough? I'm tired. And the financial stress is getting to me, and not being able to live in this world is getting to me. The endless suffering of new symptoms and new health problems to deal with. I don't know how much longer I can do this. I feel like there is no light at the end of the tunnel. And I'm just trying to endlessly dig my way out of a dirt grave. And the more I dig, the more the dirt falls through my fingers and I get nowhere.
I'm one of the strongest people. I've survived this for so very long, and I've survived losing my family and my homes and my health and my money and my pets. But I don't know how much longer I can hold on. I have only sadness left. And a life filled with constant pain and suffering a thousand symptoms that no one can help me with. I'm not well enough to live in this world. And I haven't been for a very long time. And I don't want to keep going on like this with no end in site. I don't know what to do anymore. And I'm tired of being entombed. I feel like a trapped ghost spirit on this earth. I'm only a shadow of what I once was. Floating in the shadows, watching others live, but I never can.
I Miss The Sun
Blog entry posted by Carrigon, Mar 7, 2012.