How many times can one raise/rehab oneself? Sheer Determination needed

Blog entry posted by lnester7, Mar 17, 2016.

So I had a unscheduled crash, I say was unexpected because was not fall, I did not overdid, I was not sick. I really do not have an answer. I did all that I was supposed to do.
But this one hit me hard from an emotional point of view. Not because a particular reason except that JESUS CHRIST how many times do I have to do this again and again and again.

I crash (go back from a 7 or 8 to a 3 or 4) and gaining a point is Freaking hard work. I have teach myself math from scratch, teach how to walk, how to stand longer than 2min at the time. Do you realized how much sheer determination it takes to rehab myself over and over and over. So this time I was like just as I hit 7 in a few months ALL THIS HARD work will be gone and I have to start all over, so why bother.

I was not sad or mad or given up really. Is hard to explain but was more a practical question. There is a point where you ask yourself the work / reword balance, And if it is a loose/loose you start to wonder why Am I doing it? To turn around and have to do it again. Is like with a cancer patient after the 90th chemo round is like ok I just gonna accept this and just take it.

Am I crazy by keep trying? I am barely raising from the last crash. I had to go down to elementary school level since I had PEM by thinking or the smallest mental effort, I started with mental exercises, then simple math until I taught myself again to work hard math problems and condition my brain (since is my bread and butter) to take the mental effort. The same physically, I did the autonomic therapy where you stand against a wall little by little and increasing until I conditioned my body to be upright. Started exercising and I am still not able to be upright while walking, I am working on that. But went down and fortunately brain is ok. Is the physical part that is not working.

I received a card from a friend, I wish I can type it all here. But she said something keep telling her in her mind that I needed something, something telling her to send it to me, must be divine intervention to be honest. She just wrote the right things and is amazing how somebody's touch can give you the strength you need to lift yourself up to keep going. Sooooooo Rehab starts again take #45 (no kidding). Even the number makes me tired. Sigh.
AndyPandy, GracieJ, alkt and 3 others like this.
  1. GracieJ
    I think you give a very good description of being totally fed up and annoyed with a relentless Groundhog Day!
    lnester7 likes this.
  2. lnester7
    Just a note I don't mean like give up live, Is just the rehab part that is sooooo hard work and the one I wonder if it is worth the trying if I will go back to crash again.
  3. GracieJ
    As many times as it takes.

    In the last two years, I have lost seven relatives to premature death. Sobering. I am still here, still alive, still have another day to kick the crap out of this thing. I prefer being here still, hard as it is going into year 26, and not getting any younger.

    Inester7, if it is any comfort, there have been many times now when I am struggling with symptoms that I come on here and find you have posted something about your own. It always helps me regain my perspective. Thanks!

    I have cycled back again to needing to be right down on my back once home from work. Discouraging. Humorous, too - one client cannot figure out how on earth I can say I do not have time for projects, but I start work at 1 pm or later... I just smile. Nope, I do not have my mornings!! My activity during those hours remains a mystery.

    Hang in there!

    Grief work has helped me more than anything else to get to acceptance and tolerating the uncertainty.

    Newest complaint? Ice pick headaches. I am also back to being in pain just sitting up. No computer time for me, right when I have an online class to finish. Ha.

    Your comments and story have helped me cope today.

    Don't forget you are functioning at a higher level than your body wants, out of necessity. Feeling it is lose/lose is in the moment. You really are living win/win at many levels still.
    alkt and lnester7 like this.
  4. enginewitty
    I am looking for a similar solution
    although I can't compare myself to you in that I only have CFS, but that being said, I have gone through the gamete over and over and over again over the last 12 years of actively pursuing solutions. but unlike you , I haven't been able to find one thing, not even one that has made a noticeable difference, and I've tried hundreds. So I know how you feel with that feeling of why keep going?
    at least you have benefits or some source of income it sounds like, I don't know, maybe my situation would be more desirable for you. I'm running out of time in this country and if I go back to my own, I'll just be homeless and can't take care of myself. I also have no savings, disability benefits or friends/family to help. I'm looking at my options and it seems like suicide is the only one left. or suffer some more until I die of starvation, etc. which as much as I'd like to feel healthy again, I just don't see it happening, and when you're out of money, energy and can't take care of yourself and have no one who cares enough to step in. I don't know what else to do.

    I sincerely hope you find something that helps. I started reading a book called the Medical Medium a couple months back and have been applying whats in there to the best of my ability. He's apparently a channel from God who receives guidance 24/7 and can see where people are ill, the cause and how to cure it. The theme of the book is the cause of all mystery illnesses. from my experience, I have noticed my gut clearing out but that's it. fatigue is still full on if not worse..
    I don't know, maybe that will help someone else reading tho.

    hope you find something to get you consistently progressing until you have completely eliminated what's keeping you from enjoying a full life. and hope someone with an applicable answer replies to your post.
    Best Wishes to you
    lnester7 likes this.
  5. alkt
    simple answer all human beings need to be doing something might as well be trying to do that something for yourself. it took me three years to walk without having to concentrate on every single painful step if i had given in then where would i be now. so we just get through the days one at a time.
  6. hellytheelephant
    Sigh here too.I wish I had answers....but thank God for friends. The kind of friends who know you are struggling in the pit of despair almost before you do.
    lnester7 likes this.
  7. lnester7
    Back up and Running around. IS not like we have Any other option :)
  8. ahmo
    So sorry. No answers to the dilemma.
    lnester7 likes this.