So I had a unscheduled crash, I say was unexpected because was not fall, I did not overdid, I was not sick. I really do not have an answer. I did all that I was supposed to do.
But this one hit me hard from an emotional point of view. Not because a particular reason except that JESUS CHRIST how many times do I have to do this again and again and again.
I crash (go back from a 7 or 8 to a 3 or 4) and gaining a point is Freaking hard work. I have teach myself math from scratch, teach how to walk, how to stand longer than 2min at the time. Do you realized how much sheer determination it takes to rehab myself over and over and over. So this time I was like just as I hit 7 in a few months ALL THIS HARD work will be gone and I have to start all over, so why bother.
I was not sad or mad or given up really. Is hard to explain but was more a practical question. There is a point where you ask yourself the work / reword balance, And if it is a loose/loose you start to wonder why Am I doing it? To turn around and have to do it again. Is like with a cancer patient after the 90th chemo round is like ok I just gonna accept this and just take it.
Am I crazy by keep trying? I am barely raising from the last crash. I had to go down to elementary school level since I had PEM by thinking or the smallest mental effort, I started with mental exercises, then simple math until I taught myself again to work hard math problems and condition my brain (since is my bread and butter) to take the mental effort. The same physically, I did the autonomic therapy where you stand against a wall little by little and increasing until I conditioned my body to be upright. Started exercising and I am still not able to be upright while walking, I am working on that. But went down and fortunately brain is ok. Is the physical part that is not working.
I received a card from a friend, I wish I can type it all here. But she said something keep telling her in her mind that I needed something, something telling her to send it to me, must be divine intervention to be honest. She just wrote the right things and is amazing how somebody's touch can give you the strength you need to lift yourself up to keep going. Sooooooo Rehab starts again take #45 (no kidding). Even the number makes me tired. Sigh.
How many times can one raise/rehab oneself? Sheer Determination needed
Blog entry posted by lnester7, Mar 17, 2016.