When you’re trying to recover from a crash it’s a psychological game just as much as a physical one. As well as supplementing, eating the right diet, and getting enough sleep, I also have to constantly remind myself not to push, even a little bit.
Being on sick leave from work, inevitably I am conscious of the passing days and the need to get back to normality. Through focus and diligence I’ve achieved a slow progress, no longer in pain when I wake up, capable of a few hours work and light exercise, I feel I’m at around 75% of where I was pre-crash. But recently I was reminded how fragile this progress is when I decided to plough on through my usual work time-limit of 4 hours. Feeling pretty awesome and having made such great progress, I could see the light at the end of the tunnel and wanted to jog the last few metres. Pretty soon I’d be back at work, swimming lengths and going to the odd night out with my friends. My life would be back on track.
My body had other ideas.
That same afternoon I was consigned to the sofa. That feeling of lead running through my veins, of ants crawling all over my brain. Those feelings that recently had become so rare were back to visit and to remind me of that virtue – patience. The following day I awoke with those familiar feelings, the crawling skin, burning muscles, and the day was spent again on the sofa. All that progress in vain. It was a step backwards.
Impatience is a weakness of mine, I’m like a secret alcoholic swigging from a bottle hidden under the sink and hoping nobody will know. But M.E. always knows. It’s like a firm-handed teacher, slapping me across the face every time I fail and sending me to the back of the class until I learn. And in a way, although I hate that bullying teacher, I know it has my best interests at heart. Ever since it made an intervention on my life 3 years ago, I’ve known I need to give up the bad habits; the impatience, the over-achieving, the eagerness to please. I feel like I’m on the 12 steps and, although I just took one backwards, all I need to do is simply focus on taking the next one in the right direction and eventually I’ll get there.
Blog entry posted by eldorado, Oct 11, 2017.