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Are you dreading the holidays too? I mean, it's the most wonderful time of the year.....right?
When I was younger, I always loved the holidays. Even when I had CFS in my 20's. It was not easy because that was when I had just become ill. I would become down because I would remember the holidays when I was well and say...how? I didn't quite have the excitement I used to and I was always worried about Christmas. Would I be able to go to so and so's house? Will my then boyfriend freak if I am really sick?
Now, as I am older and sicker than I was then and working, the thought of it sends a shutter through my body. I am too tired and sick as many people on here are. Due to the past couple weeks of working, I have gone under the water. It was great, all the work and well, what comes with it, but now I am tapped out. I spent today and yesterday, in pajamas, in bed. I slept....a lot.
I am supposed to have friends come down from NYC for the day. I am making the turkey, but here's the interesting part. The other gal who is coming has Lyme disease and CFS and she has a million food allergies. She also has a slew of sick animals. Both dogs have Lyme disease too, one cat is HIV positive, the other cat has a missing eye. I have had food allergies over the years and like I have posted, it got to the point of where I couldn't eat. Since October 12th, she has emailed me what she is preparing and at the end of every email she questions, "what are you making?" What she is preparing is gourmet hazelnut biscuits with a special sauce and all kinds of stuff. She is a foodie. Great, fine, knock your socks off! She also wants to know if she can bring her dog with lyme disease because this dog doesn't like being alone and needs to be fed with a spoon....Oh boy. She emailed me a list of all of her food allergies including specific directions her doctor has given on food. Totally intense. I couldn't even get through it and it's wrong to think I should. No eggs, no milk, a gamut of foods and I have no idea how to navigate around some of the most basic things you need to make a dinner....things she can't have.
The emails have become intense over the past few weeks with even more ideas on food that she is preparing. She is home and sick with a husband working and has all the time in the world to research. In the meantime, I am busy as holy hell trying to make custom orders and taking care of myself all in one. So, last weekend the question came again and my response was, "I am making a turkey." I then wrote, "this is becoming a stress for me. I feel like Thanksgiving is going to be a production. I am not well, nor do I have the time to come up with Julia Child's meals. The bottom line is, I am making a turkey, yams, and green beans. I know you can have them. Anything else that you want to bring, please bring. I am making a traditional Thanksgiving meal. I will leave butter and eggs out of everything I make and I will make no red vegetables. I do not want you to bring the dog. My apartment is too small and I am not allowed to have dogs in my apartment."
I said this in a nicer tone but seriously, I wanted to scream at her. Have some social etiquette! When you go to someones house for dinner, you don't make these kinds of demands. You don't constantly ask them what they are making. And you don't bring your sick dog who has to have special homemade meals cooked up, then and there to come to an apartment that is tiny. Too tiny for this.
Because of her special needs, which she wants me to accommodate, I have become quite nervous for her to come. Firstly, I am really wasted and super tired. When I have gone to peoples homes for dinner, there have been many times when I brought my own food due to knowing I couldn't eat what they were having. I am stressed out and hurt that she hasn't considered someone other than herself. I have looked for duck eggs, to no avail, but I finally put my foot down....do for you, I will do for me. She also asked me if I have wine and do I have sparkling water because that is what she drinks. Oh, and the wine has to be without sulfates.
The funny thing is; I never expected this. We had agreed that we would have Thanksgiving together to boycott our families and spend Christmas as friends, who are ill and understand eachother. Now, I wish I had spent Thanksgiving with my family!! Sometimes, I have noticed that spending time with those with CFS is more stressful than spending time with someone who is well.
I emailed her today to let her know how unwell I am. That I have totally crashed. That yes, the shots are working, but I still have CFS and clearly, I pushed too much by having 3 jewelry shows in a week. I don't regret it. No way, but I must pay the price now. I let her know that I am nervous. And honestly, she has helped that along.
Then there is Christmas. Because I am the single sister and with nowhere to go...so they feel, my family thinks it's an automatic that I must spend time with them. My brother. UGH. It's the worst Christmas ever. I seriously mean that to the fullest. It's a huge drafty home with a 15 foot tree and diamonds for the girls, iPhones, a BMW one year. When I am there, I feel invisible. No questions are asked such as, "how are you?" It's all about them and being in their home which resembles a Macy's store. Meanwhile, I am sitting there sickened by it. I am on disability and trying to make due. Plus, well....I could go on forever with that one.
I long for the day, when I spend the holidays doing what I want. Nothing. Looking at my tree or going to my best gal friends house for dinner. To me, that is the best Christmas. THE LIGHTS. SILENT NIGHT and good food.....that I buy. I dream of Vermont and my family who is up there and wish I was there. Too far of a drive, but how I miss it. A 7 bedroom farm house where it's ok to take a nap while you are laying near the fireplace. Across the street is a pond for ice skating and when you go outdoors, the smell of the cold crisp air is so clean...so so clean and beautiful. How I miss those times. Back in 2008, I was able to make the 7 hour drive. But, now with my business and people placing orders up until Christmas eve and then being so tired, I can't do it anymore.
It is the dream however and one day I will....again.
How are you feeling about this fabulous season?
Happy Holidays??? CFS and the season.
Blog entry posted by The Spitfire, Nov 21, 2010.