I write this kind of thing in my sketchbook a lot, but sometimes I feel like typing it and sharing it with other people, because I hope that others will relate
Today I feel more optimistic about the future. I am empowered because I am taking action to change my circumstances. I no longer accept being in a bad situation that I can remove myself from. All my life I've put up with bad situations because I thought that was the only way. But - I don't have to put myself through it. Nobody benefits from my unhappiness.
I am grateful that this week I have had a bit of a break from brain fog. It's been so wonderful to be able to think things through, most days this week. I'm so grateful for all these days that I've been able to mentally function for, for the most part.
I am grateful and glad that I've worked to get myself into a place where I rest before I reach my limit. I'm grateful that I need less rest than I did a couple of weeks ago, so the rest that I do have seems to be effective.
I'm glad that I worked on myself as soon as I recognised that my attitude wasn't helping. I was over working and not resting, and I knew that was wrong, but I struggled to change. So I sought support, and joined this forum. It's making the difference I hoped for - you are all the voices of experience and support and positivity that I needed. Thank you Phoenix Rising <3
This week I have accomplished:
- a good work event, co-ordinated by moi
- meeting some interesting people in my field and leaving a positive impression and connection
- good amount of hula hooping (exercise) and plenty of walking
- supporting my friend who is going through a break up
- cleaning the flat
- staying on top of washing up
- resisting alcohol (it's easier now that I have memories of how badly even one drink affects me)
- a shift of attitude into optimism
- a good amount of drawing
- recording podcast intros and out-ros, even on a day where I was quite anxious
- supporting a new employee to join the team, and being supportive when she was unwell on Day 2
- life admin - bank things, legal battle thing I'm in, getting broken toilet fixed
I'm proud of this week. I haven't been working all the time, but when I have been working, it's been valuable stuff. And I'm glad I'm doing right by myself by prioritising my health over work, in the moment, when I need to. I'm listening to my body, and getting better at doing what it demands rather than pushing through.
- I'm going to Wonder Woman tomorrow with friends and I'm going to wear my superhero cape!
- My computer still works, even though it's doing something dodgy recently.
- I have enough money to not be constantly stressed out - and my living costs aren't too high.
- It was so sunny and I love the sunshine. I'm brown and warm. I could wear shorts and get away with it!
- I got to play with kids in the park and we drew each other in my sketchbook with felt tips. It felt like a gift from god. Maybe there is a god. It was such a precious experience that money can't buy, to be surrounded by children that were instantly adoring and wanted to play. It sounds like an odd experience because it's not traditional; I feel like there's this constant suspicion of peodophillia in our society (it's good to be vigilant) so people look upon adults that aren't teachers or mothers or elderly, but love children, in an odd way. So I couldn't have organised that time in the park - it could only have happened by serendipity. A sunny day, the churchgoers hanging out in the park, and the kids from the churchgoers crowd wanting to play with my hula hoop. Me deciding to go out rather than sleep. Everything just lined up. Does god act through people? Did god act through me? The kids said they didn't have felt tips at home... I was glad to get them to do drawing.
- My nana is getting better at emailing, well done her!
- My mum is sending non-passive aggressive messages, which is a huge improvement.
- My dad and I are communicating a bit
- I feel that things are on the right track, and getting better. My attitude is reset to put my health first. I have enough energy to take action to change my bad flat/flatmate situation. Things at work are lined up in a way that things can only get better. I don't feel powerless (the lack of energy does frequently make me feel this way).
- I suspect that what I think may be CFS could actually be something else to do with anti-depressants I'm on, so I'm going to reduce them - maybe that will make a difference. If not, then maybe I'll be able to get a diagnosis soon. It makes me feel empowered to have spotted something that may change my condition, and I am taking action on it. Even if the anti-depressant dose lowering doesn't make a difference, I will still have done something within my power... and I can move towards a diagnosis, which I do think will help me.
Good things & accomplishments & gratitudes & affirmations
Blog entry posted by lior, Jun 18, 2017.