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Feeling very depressed right now

Blog entry posted by taniaaust1, Nov 14, 2011.

Ive cried for hours today.. I guess it was stupid but I got my hopes up thinking a doctor may be able to do phone or email consults with me, desperately hopeing that due to my circumstances a face to face visit may not be expected.

but unfortunately the reception of the surgery didnt pass my email to the doctor and has said I have to see him face to face.. and when I then mailed back asking them if the doctor in this case could at least send a letter for me to take to airport saying Im safe to fly to get there.. they said no he cant do even that without seeing me.. so its a catch 22.

Right now I just wish I'd die... I have so much emotional pain and I know I shouldnt as it is the reception of the surgery but I feel like another doctor has rejected my case, I feel like there is no one out there who understands ME patients and our difficulties.

I wish I had something in my cupboards I could kill myself with.. no one cares about us.. doctors dont care.. they dont care how much we are suffering... I'd OD right now like I did last time I ended up in intensive care if I had the drugs I used last time to do it with. I sooo wish I had those drugs... I dont want to live right now.

I may ring the emergency line later on or I may not (ive been told they arent there to be used as some kind of regular crisis line). Probably end up cutting .. using physical pain to take away my extreme emotional pain over abandonment with our medical system right now.

Im so distressed right now that Im missing my favourite TV show and dont even care about it.
taniaaust1

About the Author

Doing a bit of a blog at http://forums.phoenixrising.me/index.php?threads/tanias-journal-of-drug-treatments-and-other-me-things.13903/page-4#post-273488
  1. Glynis Steele
    Hi Tan,

    Glad to hear you are feeling a little bit better. Regarding the POTS, have you tried lying on the ground with your legs in the air, perhaps against a wall to support your legs? I've heard it's very helpful, but only for short periods, and then it wears off. It might be worth trying a few times a day to see.

    Hugs

    Glynis x
  2. Ocean
    I'm so sorry for all you're going through and really glad you called the hotline and that they were helpful. Are you able to attend any counseling to help manage some of the feelings that come up from dealing with this difficult situation? Or have you tried any medication? I don't do well on medication but I found that talking to someone a bit in the past helped me learn some ways to feel a little calmer when things go wrong or feel awful, as they inevitably do with an illness like this. I still have some very down moments relating to being sick too. I'm glad this forum is here so those who can relate and understand can be a support to each other. Hoping for a brighter day for you. Stay strong and keep the faith!
  3. taniaaust1
    thanks Ocean. I ended up calling the emergency crisis line and the lady there was very nice who I ended up having a long talk to, (today they didnt tell me that I shouldnt be ringing them).

    Im feeling better some (still highly anxious about my situation and what Im going to do and how Im going to go with getting interstate) but the suicidal thing has now passed.

    She made me feel better by getting me to see maybe there will be some changes for me some.. maybe when I ring tomorrow those who are passing my case onto another agency ONCE AGAIN.. just maybe I will get the home help i need or something. She made me feel some hope again.. so im now hanging on in till tomorrow.

    (that thou still wont fix the fact that I have no good GP anyway Im not going to think about that right now as its all too depressing). I refuse to go to another GP who dont understand ME and just ends up abusing me.

    I also go again to my CFS specialist tomorrow.. "maybe" this time he will listen to me for once and go and research POTS and try to help. This is going to be the third time I will be telling him to please please research POTS as its my big issue.
    (I think im going to go emotionally to pieces if the POTS is ignored by him once again.. emotionally I just cant handle my health issues being ignored any more and my whole life effected when I know there could be being things done to help me).

    maybe I should throw myself on the floor of the surgery and refuse to get up until he's did a search to find out about it..... (i truely dont know what to do to help myself anymore as I feel like Ive tried everything i can reasonable do to try to get the help I need).
  4. Ocean
    I'm so sorry to hear this. Is there a friend or anyone you can call to be with you while you're feeling this way? Please don't hurt yourself. There are people who care, like the people on this forum and I'm sure others too. Please call the hotline or a friend or family member. I know things are hard but please hang in there for the better times. I will be thinking of you and hoping for you to feel much better by tomorrow.