Facing the Memories

Blog entry posted by Pen2, Aug 27, 2017.

So I haven't written for awhile. I not only have been facing my memories, I have been confronting them.

I know I have talked alot about horses. How "ME" took riding away and I had to sell my horse.

At the risk of wearing this subject out, I need to mention a new experience. One that involves my granddaughter.

My granddaughter,( I'll call her Laney), called me asking if she could take riding lessons. Since her Nana has always been the horse lady and knows where/who to call, it was natural for her to call me.

As we ME people know, our family does not understand how we're feeling each day.
I have had such little time with Laney since I've been sick so I told her, of course I'll set it up.

Her first lesson was on Thursday. You know how when you have done something most of your life your instincts just kick in? As soon as I got out of the car.....boom....in my zone,my glory, my joy.

I helped Laney get her horse, get all her tack and grooming supplies. Then helped groom, saddle, hug, and talk to her horse.

I could feel my brain getting foggy, the OI kicking in....I didn't want to listen to it.

I took Laney out to the riding ring. I couldn't even stop myself from teaching her! The horse was being lazy....I wanted to get on him and make him move....memories...instinct.

I finally knew I had to sit down before I pass out. As you all know sitting down does not always help at this point. My brain was fog, my vision blurred. I didn't care.....I was loving everything about being there and with Laney!

The next morning, I felt so sick when I woke up. Then I was ok after moving around a bit. I thought about the farm. I could only smile, knowing how great it was to be there.

I have crashed but I'm not terrible. I wonder......will I be ok going back next week?? I'm going to try. Can't let go of my horse memories........
Pen2

About the Author

Former Healthcare worker, cared for patients of all ages and their families. ME has now prevented me from doing this work. What it can't take away are my memories. Memories of helping people, memories of things I've done that brought me joy. Looking back doesn't have to stay sad. Memories are a gift to smile about. Sometimes for little while, we may need to mourn them. Then smile, hold on to them, remembering the good, letting go of the bad....easy? Not really....just good.
  1. MTpockets
    Never underestimate the power of enjoying life. Be careful and listen to your body, but if something is important to you find a way to make it fit into your new reality. Don't let go of who you are, find a way to do you differently. I love to garden, in the past that meant planting, weeding tending the gardens, now that means sitting in my wheelchair as my husband wheels me around so I can "supervise" my children as they act as my hands.
  2. Master4thDegree
    I am so sad for your experience. I was in the same boat having lost everything that I lived for, so I understand your pain. I have discovered a new lease on life through self Phlebotomy (removing toxic thick blood). Ever since then, my brain fog and pain have mostly gone away. I stopped pain medication and basically everything. I still have a few weeks to go as I remove only 1/2 unit (1 cup) twice a week. This is dangerous though if you are not keeping track, but an average female can easily loose 1 liter before having any issues. You might look into this as a way to get back on your feet.